Factual Illusions (Novel)

Factual Illusions XIV: The Disembodied Head Of Johnny Depp

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Mitch had to pry the hysterical woman's fingers from his leather jacket one hand at a time.  He glanced at the gift shop, where the ride exited, and saw the fire and smoke was getting worse, so he decided to go through the regular entrance. It would probably take longer, but perhaps he could sneak up on the creature. He raced over to the ride entrance doors and sped on in, alone. The line had always been one of his favorite things about the attraction, but now it made a confusing and scary situation all the more surreal. 

Good, he thought, the boats are still running. Better than wading though three or four feet of water! He jumps into the nearest moving boat after running along a thin ledge into the actual entrance to the ride. The boat is slowly making its way further into the cool, dark, indoor attraction. 

He passes the skull and crossbones advising him – there was no one else there!  –   to hold on tight and soon he plunges down the small waterfall and into the grotto, passing the usual things he remembers from the many times he rode the attraction as a kid and even more recently on a few dates after moving to his adopted Orlando. He is slightly amused that the automated ride’s soundtrack is still blaring:

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.

We pillage plunder, we rifle and loot.

Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.

We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot.

Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.

As he approaches a misty screen with the projected image of a tentacle-faced pirate – was that there the last  time?– he hears something definitely not on the soundtrack. He emerges from the misty screen, readying the shotgun, to see a giant lizard man on the pirate ship. This was always his favorite part of the ride where there was an enormous room with a ship on one side and a fort on the other and they lobbed cannonballs at each other. The beast is ripping apart the big, beautiful, fake ship. It rips an animatronic Captain Barbossa – at least Mitch thinks that is who it is – from the deck and hurls him out into the water. Mitch crouches down, wanting to get as close as possible with his sawed off scatter-gun.  

The lizard turns suddenly then jumps well over the gunwale, plunging thirty feet out from the ship into the water below. It obviously spotted something, so Mitch follows it gaze.

Oh shit!

He sees a little kid carefully making his way deeper into the ride along a walking ledge on the side of the huge room in plain view directly in front of the fort. The kid is soaking wet and visibly shaking.

The creature points the trident in one of its wicked-looking clawed hands and lets rip with a beam of greenish-yellow energy that tears into the walls of the fort a few feet above the little kid's head sending fragments flying everywhere.

Mitch can’t wait another second; he takes aim hunching over the front of his little boat and pumps off four quick rounds of the Super-X Magnum Buckshot. As he reflexively reaches for shells to replace those he just fired, he sees the creature drop the trident into the water, grabbing at its back. It roars, making a sound the likes of which Mitch has never heard before. The nearest thing he can think of is a grizzly bear on steroids! The creature glances at him, then starts looking for the trident, but in the dark and in several feet of water, those precious seconds allow Mitch’s boat to get quite a bit closer so he squeezes off a few more shots. The creature yells something before plunging under the water, its long tail and one clawed hand disappearing last.

Was that thing speaking English … how? he thinks.

“Hey, kid! Over there. I’ll catch up!” screams Mitch. Pointing to the red-lit EXIT sign nearest the little boy.

He reaches the boy a few seconds later, glancing over his shoulder several times expecting to see the creature surface any second.

Could it be that easy?

“Here, that should stop the shiverin’ ” he says, taking off his leather and wrapping the much too large jacket around the boy’s back like a cape. “Now get moving –”

Oh, Lord!

He sees bubbles in the water very close to where he they are standing on the ledge. “Go!” he shoves the boy, just forcefully enough to get him going.

The next minute will be a blur for the rest of Mitch’s life. The creature slowly emerges from the water. When it sees Mitch, it opens its dripping maw. It slowly rises to its full height – it is huge! – and stands motionless save for its heavy breathing for a moment before moving as fast as lightning. It grabs up one of the boats, lifting it over its head.

Oh, fuaaa- that has to weigh a good ton!   

Before Mitch can think of anything else, the beast hurls the boat at him. The boat is obviously even a bit much for the massive creature, as it falls a bit short, but still grazes the back of Mitch’s leg as he jumps out of the way, shallow diving into the water.   

Mitch surfaces after swimming a good forty feet toward the pirate ship, hoping to elude any further attack. He nearly screams. He is staring right into the eyes of Johnny Depp’s disembodied  floating head!