Indifferent or not || Taekook

4 - Hearts

22nd March

„I love you, Tae." Jungkook said sitting behind his desk facing me.
„What? I love you too, Kook." I smile at him. „Is that the one you were drawing at the cafe the other day? It's beautiful!!" I admire the drawing of me, looking all excited at it.
„Tae, I'm serious." He says calmly.
„What do you mean?" I look at him confused.
„I'm in love with you."

So Jungkook confessed a week ago. I mean i'm interested in guys too.. well.. I dunno. What is this, really? It's true he didn't say he's interested in someone and it's true that even tho he was talking to every one of us equally he was nicer to me and so but I didn't really expect him to love me. I love him too, don't get me wrong, Just.. it's not in a romantic way. I've never thought of it that way.
He's the closest friend I have, that's true and I'm really grateful for everything he has done for me. He helped me a lot of time. We're young.. I'm 17.. and I don't want to say that life already fucked me up pretty badly, but there was a time 2 years ago, when I was in a psychically abusive relationship.. My Boyfriend was older than me, I was 15 and he was 20 at that time actually... I ended up having heavy depressions and anxiety. Sometimes when I'm tired I have these attacks when I can't breath, feeling of someone or something choking me, when I feel like fainting anytime. It happens anytime unexpectedly and Jungkook really did help me through the worst of it, thanks to him I was able to stand up again.. after 2 months of laying in a bed blankly watching ceiling, not having any little bit of desire to live. I thought of giving up, taking my life. They were only thoughts. I never did anything to me. I didn't harm myself.

The truth is.. me and Jungkook hasn't spoke to each other since the White day. We're not avoiding each other, we just don't initiate any kind of conversation between us. Yes, i did reject him.

31st March

„Pst.." I hear someone turning around to see who made the noise.
„What is it?" It was Jimin.
„Can I talk to you a little bit my dearest friend?" He whispers to me while in class. I have now class with Jimin and Jungkook has his own scheduled class. I encourage him to continue.
„You and Jungkookie seem to be fighting." ... Jungkookie..?..
„We're not fighting." I answer him.
„Then why aren't you two talking to each other? It looks like both of you act like the other doesn't exist and you were like always glued to each other." He states leaving the question float in the air.
„He confessed to me and I rejected him." I let out simply and I could hear Jimin almost screaming.

So it's been 2 weeks and it's honestly the weirdest situation ever. Yeah, ok, I do actually feel hella guilty, but I just can't talk to him.. I can see him hurting, I can see his puffy eyes and the lack of sleep on his skin.. I feel horrible..

I can see him talking to others. He smiles, showing his bunny teeth and wrinkles around eyes from smiling too much through his life. If only was that for me at this moment, what?!
I'm glad he doesn't abandon our friends, oh yeah why would he, it's only my fault, right? Yet, I wanna talk to him, I miss the things we did, I miss the laugh we had together. I miss everything we did together.
I miss him.