Timelines (Phan au)

Chapter twenty eight: S is for spooky week

October 19th, 2019

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I didn't just magically recover because Dan and I were back together. It doesn't work like that. Wouldn't it be great if it did though? If all it takes to heal is someone who loves you? Don't get me wrong, having people around you that love you and care for you sure help. Anything is better than to lock yourself away and try to fight the darkness and the pain alone. Because no matter how stubborn you are, you have to admit eventually that it's impossible to ask that amount of willpower and strength of yourself. You need people who are willing to fight alongside you, but they can't do all the fighting for you either. They're more like the people at the corner of a boxing ring. Giving me water, wiping away sweat and blood and encouraging me to keep fighting. They're necessarily but they're not the solution. I am getting better though. Slowly, very slowly at first. But more often than not I find myself genuinely happy and joyful again. It's mainly during quiet moments, like when it's a slow hour at the coffee shop or when I lay awake next to Dan, that it tends to overwhelm me again. When the pain of everything that I've lost washes over me so powerfully that my chest physically hurts and I either cry or feel completely paralyzed. The past months I have longed for home more often than ever. For mum's warm arms and soft words. For dad's silly jokes that don't help the case in any way but helps me smile nonetheless. It's probably a little ridiculous to long for your parents like that when you're already twenty six. But they remain my parents. The ones who would do anything for me. No matter my age.

"It's okay, Phil, it's just a dream." Dan whispers with a soothing voice when I wake up screaming, face wet. Tears or sweat? I have no idea. It was indeed just a dream. But the reality isn't much better with Martyn gone. The only thing left of him being the scar on my heart and the literal one on my side. "Come here." He whispers again. And I crawl closer to where he's waiting with open arms. I turn sideways and rest my head on his chest as I wrap my arms around his belly. His shirt tightly in my fist. Dan wraps one arm around my shoulders where he makes slow, soothing circles with his fingers, while he brushes my hair out of my face with his other. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asks softly and I tighten my grip on him a little more, just from thinking about the dream again. Dan waits patiently for a reply. So patiently that I almost think he has fallen back asleep, but I can still feel the circles on my shoulder and my back and the hand softly playing with my hair. "It was the night he disappeared." I finally speak up. Dan hums encouragingly and places a soft kiss on top of the mob of raven black hair. I close my eyes for a second as I even out my breathing. "It was already dark and it started snowing again. Like it's usual around the end of December." I start describing the dream. "He walked away, just like that night, while I watched him go. But then... You know how something can feel so intense in your dream while in reality it's nothing?" I ask him, looking up to see his silhouette. He nods softly. "Yeah, like how Chris woke up so angry he had tears in his eyes because someone ate his chocolate lava cake." Dan replies. A smile plays with my lips when I think back at how we all decided to sleep in the garden one night to look up at the stars. Everyone was surprised when Chris started yelling for his lava cake. I bet him more than any of us. We quickly laughed about it once he was fully awake and the tentacles of that dream let him go. "Yeah, like that." I agree softly. Dan places another kiss on top of my head. "What happened?" He asks with a soft voice. I let out a shaky breath. "Like I said it was dark, which was normal, but it didn't feel normal. It felt so wrong, I was so scared of it. It was looming over him like some kind of dark presence. I was petrified for a few seconds before realizing that he was walking right into it. It was going to swallow him whole. I started screaming. From the top of my lungs, I started screaming, Dan. But he didn't stop. He didn't turn around or even acknowledged my screams and pleads for him to come back. I started running towards him, to pull him back, away from the heavy feeling darkness. But the more I ran, the further he got away from me. I just kept running and screaming. But he didn't- it didn't matter." I whisper the last sentence so soft that I can feel how Dan leans forward to hear it. He doesn't say anything at first, but then he sits more straight up and pulls me in his lap sideways. My head now resting on his shoulder. My breath tickling his neck. He wipes away some tears that I didn't realize were rolling down my cheeks. "I am, so incredibly sorry, baby. If I could just take over your pain I would." He whispers softly, holding me close. I know he means it. He says it every time that I'm hurting over Martyn or longing for home. I was eventually able to forgive him, but I know that he still hasn't forgiven himself yet. "I know you would. But it's my pain. I have to go through it in order to heal properly." I reply and Dan sighs letting his head hang. "I know, it's just difficult to see you like this. You deserve so much better." I peck his cheek that is now hanging in front of my face. "I have you." I whisper. Dan chuckles humorless. "Yeah, I'm a real prize man." He replies sarcastically, looking away from me. I can see it because of the moonlight shining through my, not well closed, curtains. I grab his chin with my hand and softly force him to look back at me. I look in his dark, brown eyes from his wide pupils. "You are. To me you are." I tell him, looking from his eyes to his plump, pink lips and back to his eyes. We stare in each other's colorful gates to our souls until his finally flutter shut and I lean in to kiss him softly.