Finding Him

Chapter Six

~Nikki~

I arrive at home fifteen minutes earlier than usual. Mom isn't home yet, and the house is quiet. I wish that I had brothers or sisters; it's too cold and empty. I'm too cold and empty.

Dex had come back, and I had turned him away. I had turned away the guy I swore to find. I turned away the guy that I had loved. Dex was always special. He made me feel fantastic and perfect and amazing. It was like he was my missing piece. I was his and he was mine. I was Will's, but I still was Dex's.

I just wished that I could figure it out. I wish that the answer would just pop into my head, or that I could travel to the future and see who I'm with.

I sit down on the cold wooden stool that rests against the bar. The walls are beige and plain, and echo the coldness; the numbness. I shake my head and pull out my homework. Nikki, get over it! You are alone! Mom isn't going to pop into the "good-parent" role! Mom isn't going to love you!

Mom didn't love anyone or anything. Dad was it; the love of her life. I was born, and they loved me. Dad died, and suddenly Mom didn't want anything to do with me. I would cry, beg, and scream for her to hold me, but she would shake her head. I became independent at the age of five. I made my own food, put on my own clothes, and cried myself to sleep. Mom would just look at me in disgust, as if Dad made me more lovable. I didn't understand back then why my Mom didn't love me, but now I do. I was a reminder. I was a reminder that she had lost the one person she had trusted with her heart, and she hated me for it. She hated me because I had his eyes, his nose, his feet, and he was dead. Dex was always that one person that still loved me, still held me, and still told me I was beautiful.

I feel my eyes blur with tears. What was with me and crying today? I work through the tears and finish all my homework in record time, but the tears still quiver in the corners of my eyes. I take out the plugs that blast, Jesse's Girl, and tuck it in my back pocket. I pack all my stuff up and begin to prepare dinner. I watch as the water boils, and let the steam push back my tears. I hear the door open, and whip my head around. Mom doesn't come home until late!

"Hello?" I ask, leaning forward on my toes. The house echos my voice, but I hear no answer. God, is this a burglary? Don't go into the living room, Nikki! The people that go in the living room always get killed!

I look around and spot a knife. I can work with a knife! I grab the thick black handle, and hold it in front of me. "I have a knife, and I know how to... dance!" I scream, frowning at the last part. I'm totally going to scare away a burglar with the fact I can dance!

I walk slowly out of the kitchen, pointing the knife forward. I peek around and see the bathroom and hall are empty. I let out a little whimper, and hold the knife tighter. I'm going to have to go into the living room. I slowly enter the living room, glancing around with the knife stretched out in front of me. I hear the footsteps behind me, and whip around.

"Nicole, what is wrong with you?! Can't I come home from work without a knife being pointed at me?" Mom shrieks, the vein popping out on her neck. I squeal and drop the knife, sending it clattering to the ground. I let out a sigh of relief. Mom is better than a burglar, but not by much. At least she's not going to kill me.

"You scared the living crap out of me! I thought I was going to have to stab a burglar!" I pant, clutching my chest.

Mom sighs and looks me over with cold, lifeless eyes. I narrow my eyes at her; something I have never done. I just can't stand her! I don't care if she doesn't love me, but at least treat me like a human being!

"Don't look at your Mother like that, Nicole!" Mom commands, placing her briefcase on the ground.

I step closer to her, so close that we are almost touching. I realize that I am taller than her. "You are not worthy of being called a mother," I spit, hatred burning in my eyes.