What Life Holds

Chapter 72

"If I ask you a question, will you be 100% honest with me?" I ask.

"You know I always am." he replies, looking serious.

"This is mostly my fault, isn't it?" I ask but I already know the truth .

"I am afraid yes. But it's nothing you can't fix." He winks at me and then pats my back, before he carries himself out of the door, leaving me alone again.

He confirmed what I already knew, that I overreacted and that my last sentence was a low blow, but I never thought Robin would think I invalide what we have... That I am ashamed of her? That sparks the weekend's memories and as I replay the movie in my head I can pinpoint the discrete change in Robin's face the times I called her "friend", over the weekend. To my mother.. to Ben..to some acquaintances in the park on Saturday... I pace around the room again, dragging my hand through my hair and releasing long breaths as I get my thoughts straight. Twohours of pacing later, here's what I got so far:

I reacted spontaneously without realising that it wasn't really the outing to my brother that bothered me, not really, and that all the things I said, backpedaled all the progress I had made all these months with Robin. I snapped at her for not being ashamed of who she is, while I freak out everytime people stare at us together. I now realize I am jealous of her because I don't find that strength in me yet...

As for Robin... I can't possibly imagine how she feels right now, if she is more angry than hurt, more reasonable than irracional or more understanding than hateful. The truth is this: my fear of my secret being exposed and the anxiety mixed with, as I now see, unreasonable anger, hurt the person I love the most, and I need to fix it. ASAP, because, after 5 months of dating, spending my every free time with her, I got to the point where I can guess pretty well what she is thinking about and what her reactions will be to certain things, so I am certain that she blames herself for this... That her inner conflict to respect my wish and stay true to herself has been hurting her all alone, and for that, there is only one person to blame...

How do I apologize? Should I call or text her? nahhh... I shouldn't apologize via phone to my girlfriend..no.. but how do I face her? What if she is super angry and doesn't want to see me? Even worse... What if she doesn't forgive me? What if she wants to break up because of what I said? Oh God.. was that a break up?

At this thought I grab my phone to call her but her phone was switched off! She never does that... I start panicking, biting my nails, thinking that I should go to her place to talk to her, or maybe call her uncle? What if she told him what happened and he is mad at me as well? Ok ok, Soph, maybe going there is not wise right now... The only thing I can do right now is give her space and apologize tomorrow at class...

Drained and tired, emotionally and physically, I lay curled up in my bed, and close my eyes to dream of her and her beautiful blue eyes that always looked at me with love... But tonight I dream of her angry.. lifeless.. hurt.. and with blue eyes filled with tears.

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Monday

I peek at my watch every other minute, eyes hooked at the door as students fill the class, all of them except Ro... I tried calling her but her phone was deactivated so I sticked with texts.They went like this : I am sorry. I love you. Please don't be mad.

All 20 texts went pretty much like that. I turn my attention to the class to see the professor talking and I don't even remember him entering the class. Soon the class is empty while people one by one leaves the room and I do too, throwing away the her favorite coffee along with my I AM SORRY post-it on it.