✔︎ | Part of Me (Trilogy)

4 | give it a chance

As if knowing that I'm thinking about him, Axel appears at the back door. 

I want to run away, because he stops and looks at me, wondering if it's safe to approach or something, but I lazily glance away from him and look at the trees in the distance. 

He sits beside me, further than I expect him too, and gazes at nothing too. 

He sighs. "Can we talk?" he asks, finally. 

No, I want to say, and jump up and avoid him and never have to look into his eyes again. But I realize that we do need to talk, if we're going to be civil with each other while he's here. I won't let him ruin my holidays. And I'd like to tell him that him and I are over. We never really broke up, not technically. 

I nod. "I want to walk." 

He gets up and offers for me to lead the way, so I go out the back gate and down the sidewalk to the path that leads to the boardwalk by the ocean. Axel walks beside me, shortening his strides to match my speed, although I walk fast, trying to shorten the time our talk takes. 

He doesn't say anything for awhile, at least, not until were up on the boardwalk, walking and gazing at the waves. 

"I don't even know where to start," he mumbles, glancing at me. I don't meet his gaze. He sighs, "I want you to understand why I had to go alone. Completely alone." 

"I understand it, Axel," I mutter. "What I don't understand is why you had to leave a fucking letter and not say goodbye." 

"I thought you'd convince me not to leave," he admits. "I was scared. But it was the best thing to do." 

I sigh. "Yeah, it was, I guess. If you hadn't left like that, I would have pined over you until you came back. But I moved on," I turn to him, making sure he can see, or at least believe, that I'm telling the truth. "I have moved on, Axel. I don't want to be with you anymore."

He grabs my hand before I can pull it away and lifts it up to reveal the ring on my finger. "Then what is this, Aviana?" he asks me, almost hopefully. 

I shake my head, trying to keep it together, trying not to lose myself in eyes, wild and grey and blue like the ocean. "It's a nice ring," I tell him. "It means nothing. If you don't believe me," I tug my hand away, and slide off his ring, "I don't have to wear it." I grab his hand and place the ring in his palm, "have it back. I don't need it."

I keep walking, cutting through a parking lot to take the quickest route back home. I'm done. I can't talk to him anymore. I told him what I needed to, and yet, I feel empty. My finger feels empty, lacking his ring on it. 

I hear him curse behind me, and run up as I take an alley to the sidewalk on the other side of the buildings. This time, nothing is happening in here. 

"Aviana," he yells after me, "wait, wait, wait." He cuts me off and stops me from walking. "You made a promise," he recounts, almost begging me. 

"You did too!" I whine. "You said you wouldn't leave me!"

"I didn't say that," Axel defends himself, but takes my hand into his, "I said I'd come back to you, no matter what. And I'm here Aviana. I'm here. I know who I am and what I want. And I want you." 

I laugh. "Great. So, after this week is over, you're not just going to leave me here?"

"No," he murmurs, "I'm gonna take you with me." 

I laugh out harder, with more anger, and lean against the wall. "Seriously? You expect me to follow you to another state just so you can abandon me there?"

"I won't, Aviana," he tells me, leaning in too closely, as if being close to him, looking into his eyes, smelling him, might help persuade me. "I won't leave you again. I'm in love with you. I have my life figured out. I love it. I love Seattle. I have an apartment, a job. I'm going to school, and I volunteer. I even have a dog," he adds. He touches my chin with his thumb, "but I'm missing what's most important to me." 

"Have you even tried moving on?" I inquire, trying to ignore how fast my heart is pounding, and how hot I'm getting. 

"No," he says. He doesn't hesitate. 

"Maybe you should," I suggest, "and you'll realize that maybe we aren't meant to be." 

"That's fucking insane," Axel gasps, "of course we're meant to be together. We—"

"No, Axel," I say. "I understand why you'd think that, because I did too. We got each other through so much. We were each other's first true loves, or whatever. But that's it. We came into each others lives for a reason, you know," I look up at him, trying to avoid him licking his chapped lips, "I helped you take care of Jem, and then brought you two into my family. You helped me with Tanner, and with my anxiety and panic attacks, which," I smile a little, "I don't ever have anymore." 

Axel smiles too, and his face brightens, and I want to touch him, graze his face, familiarize myself with it again. 

I shake my head. "We helped each other grow and find our ways," I tell him, "and now, our paths are going in different directions. I'm with someone now. It's over, Axel." 

He doesn't let me leave. "Do you love him?" 

I don't answer. 

"Do you love Dylan?" he asks again. 

"I could come to love him, yes," I answer. 

Axel shakes his head. "Do you love me? And don't lie to me, Aviana." 

I look him in the eyes. "A part of me will always love you, Axel. But that doesn't change that we're no longer good for each other."

"Please give it a chance, sweetheart," Axel begs, and his voice sinks into me and burns my stomach. "Please give me another chance. I'll prove you wrong. I'll prove to you that we are meant to be together. Sure, Dylan's a nice guy, but he'll get over it. You don't love him Aviana, and you never will if you still love me."

I glance away, feeling my eyes water, but Axel takes my face into his hands and says, "come with me, Aviana. If you love me, even a little, come with me, and let's try this again. If it doesn't work out for you, and you decide at any point of the way that you want to leave, and if I can't convince you that we belong together, I won't get in your way. But if you don't try, you'll wonder your whole life what could've been." 

I'm crying onto his hands. God, I want to. I really want to. And I want to hold him, and touch him, and kiss him and talk to him, and laugh with him, but he ruined that when he left. I have forgiven him, or, if I haven't, I do in this moment, but I haven't forgotten, and I never will. 

I shake my head and push him away, and he leans against the wall in distraught. 

"No," I tell him, wiping my eyes, and walk away. 

・・・

Hey!

Oh my God, am I on a writing roll or what? I'm seriously having so much fun writing this, and putting my characters through so much pain haha jk on the last part. But yeah, I'm excited to be updating so much. I start uni next week though so the updates won't happen as much lol, but I'm living in res now with no job, so here I am....

Also, thank you so much for 300,000 reads! What?!?!?!?

You all are super amazing! I hope you don't get upset and like, stop reading if the story doesn't go the way you hope because half of you are like "THEY BETTER NOT GET BACK TOGETHER, FUCK AXEL" and the other half is like "AWW YAY AXELS BACK LOVE EACH OTHERRRRRRR" and I already know which I want too, but I hope I can make you all happy

Let me know what you think / how you want the book to go aha

Love you lots, 

-ADI