tessa || h.s

You've Gotta Hold On Me

H.

Last night could've been taken one of two ways. She was clearly still affected by me, but she seemed serious about her boyfriend. I still felt bad for ruining it all, the way I did, I mean, I had another idea of what I had wanted, it just didn't go as planned.

"These for your mum, Harry?" Beth, the local florist asked me as she handed over a bouquet of tiny white and yellow daisies.

"Erm-yeah. You know how much she loves flowers." I lied and handed her the money.

"Well, I hope they're up to par. Have a lovely day, dear."

"Thank you, Beth. You do the same!" I exited the shop and quickly got in my car. I let my mind wander to the image of Tessa's boyfriend as I neared her childhood home. Was I better looking? Was I nicer? Did he make her feel better than I could? I wanted to believe that I came out on top all around, but I couldn't be sure.

Within minutes, I was parking in her driveway and stepping out onto the concrete. My nerves were building up, thinking about the possible outcomes of what I'm about to do, but I buried them. She'd either shut me down or let me in. I sincerely prayed it would be the latter, but I just wasn't sure.

The door opened after four knocks and her makeup free face held a bit of shock because of my presence. "Um...hi?" A smile made it's way onto her face, which calmed me immediately.

"I wanted to apologize for bringing all that shit up last night-"

"Harry, it's fine, honestly. We both had things we needed to say, but it's in the past now." I handed over the flowers as I deciphered her words. Last night was in the past or us? "They're beautiful, thank you."

"Your welcome." I wasn't sure what to do, but I began to descend back down the front steps.

"Um-do you maybe want to come in? It's freezing and I was just going to put in a movie?" My smile must've been a clear giveaway, because she stepped aside, encouraging me to walk in.

∞

"That's a fat load of shit, and you know it!" She laughed and rolled over on her back. "I was a great dancer!"

"You thought you were a great dancer." Her smile was bright as the melodious giggle fell from her lips. "But I'm sure you've gotten better."

"You...are an absolute twat, Harry Styles." Now it was my turn to laugh.

"I beg to differ." Silence fell over us as she tipped her head to the side, gazing up at me.

"Look at us...getting along and all."

"We've always gotten along, Tess. Spending time with you still happens to be my favorite pastime, I just forgot for a little while."

"A little while?" She tried to giggle but it came out as more of a sigh.

"Four years too long." I corrected myself.

"Why didn't you fight for me?" Her eyes searched mine as I tried to wrap my brain around this abrupt question.

"I didn't think you wanted me to..."

"I did. You should've known that, I've always wanted that."

"Had I known, I would have. Believe me."

"But that's the thing...you should have at least tried, regardless of what I wanted. I shouldn't have had to verbalize it to you."

"You left, Tessa-"

"I left?" She sat up now. So much for the getting along part. "You left! Do even know how heartbroken I was? I left after I figured out you weren't coming back for me. That's when I left." Fuck, she's so beautiful. Especially when she's angry. "I realized that you didn't love me as much as I loved you."

"Don't fucking say that. I did love you. Fuck-I'll always love you. That can't ever change. Not us." Why I just said that out loud, I'm not sure. I couldn't help it.

"No you don't."

"Yes, yes I do. I've been with quite few women and not once have I felt the way I do about you."

"We were sixteen, Harry. We couldn't possibly have known what love was."

"Do you know what love is now?"

She sighed before answering me. "I'd like to think so...yeah."

"Do you love him?"

"Dylan?"

"I don't know, whatever your fucking boyfriend's name is."

"Yeah, Dylan." I rolled my eyes. "Yeah-I mean, I think I love him. But it takes more then knowing someone to love them."

T.

"What do you mean?" He asked me. I hated that we were having this conversation, but I knew it's something we both needed to put closure to.

"It takes more than knowing someone for a certain amount of time, to love them. It's like the mindset, ya know? The mere thought of being without them is terrifying and you want to be with them every single waking moment. When you want to fight, just to get to the making up part, and when something good or bad happens, they're the first one you want to tell...that to me, is love."

"I've thought about you everyday. Every girl, I'd compare her to you. You don't just forget or fall out of love with your first love, Tess. I can't, at least." When I didn't say anything to this, he continued on. "We could be happy, Tess. I could make you happy."

"What are you even going on about, Harry? We live two completely different lives and I'm quite fond of my boyfriend. We weren't meant to work out."

"I think you are trying desperately to convince yourself that that's all true, but it's not. Look at me in the eyes and tell me you haven't been able to stop thinking about me since yesterday." My silence gave him the answer he was looking for. "Exactly. Now, what the hell makes you think you'll be able to go back to him feeling the same way you did two days ago? I know for a fact, I won't be able to get you out of my head...and when I want something, babe...I'll make it happen." I found myself squirming at his arousing words.

"What makes you think I'm unhappy?"

"Well, for starters, the fact that you're even having this conversation with me..." Fuck.

"I am happy, Harry." I sounded more defeated, I think.

"Maybe you think you're happy, because you haven't known anything else. I've honestly got everything, except for you. If I had you, I'd never ask for anything...ever." I didn't know what to say to this, I really didn't. "Come on, Tess! You and me, we're good together. Just let me try again, and this time...I'll do it right." How could I say no to this?

"No, Harry. I'm sorry, but I just can't." Like that, I guess.

"Tessa-" He began but I shook my head and stood up, heading to my bedroom door.

"You should go, Harry. This was all just-it was a mistake." Instead of saying anything, he followed my orders and trudged out of my room. If I thought earnestly about this, I'd know that the last thing I wanted was for that boy to leave, but I needed to think clearly and factor in my boyfriend, whom I missed like crazy. Harry always has always had the ability to make me question anything and everything, but for once, I have focus on looking past him and controlling my selfish feelings.

"I do love you, Tess. You know I always have." His tone was sad and I fought the urge to clutch my chest as he turned back and continued on down the hallway, disappearing behind the corner.