[ ✓ ] 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐑 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐋𝐔𝐄 , taewin .

SEVENTEEN

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SEVENTEEN.

❝ even when the bright morning comes
it doesn't shine on me. ❞
— LIKE THIS ; PENTAGON.

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I walk outside in the cold, goosebumps rising on my skin as the chilly air washes over me. My heart is racing, eyes stinging. I can't bear to look at Jinhyuck, or even sit in the same house as him, or look at the pictures on my wall. The photos that mean nothing now. So I take the car and drive away, only ten minutes away to Taeil's house. As I drive there, I continue to check my phone, as if someone were going to message me. Hoping, praying, that maybe Taeyong would come through. To no avail, there's nothing. I bite down hard on my lip.

Once I get to Taeil's home, I lightly knock on the door. My knuckles hurt too bad from throwing fists at Jaehyun to make any loud impact on the structure. His mother answers the door, and greets me with the polite grin she always wears. She welcomes me inside, and I go up to Taeil's room. 

He's sitting at his desk on his laptop, also writing in a notebook. Once I close the door, he turns his attention towards me. I stand awkwardly near the entryway. He drops his pencil and shuts his computer. He can tell immediately something's off.

"What's going on? Did Jaehyun do something again?" he asks as he walks closer to me. I shift my glance from the carpet over to my left. Tears form, and they form fast. He moves his body to meet my eyes. I look up at him before passing him, sitting down on his bed. "Sicheng. Talk, please."

I bite on the fingernail of my thumb, trying to choke back any cries from escaping. Tears only run down my face quicker, though. Taeil sits down next to me and moves the pillows and blanket so that we sit more comfortably. I cover my face as he attempts to pull me further onto the mattress. I let my body collapse into his arms as I let out the held-in sobs. My chest aches as they come and go, the sores on my body from the earlier fight seem to hurt worse. Taeil keeps his hand stroking the length of my back softly. He eventually lifts up my body, pulling my hands away from my face to wipe my cheeks.

"I don't know what to do," I exhale. "With Taeyong. With Jinhyuck. With myself. I just, I ruined it all, I don't know what the fuck to do." 

Taking in a sharp breath, I let my head fall back into my hands. Taeil gently puts a hand on my shoulder, stroking the area with his fingers. My mind races, thinking about Taeyong. His face when I kissed him. How he used to smile, but all it took was a few guys watching to ruin it all. To turn that smile into a face full of fear. I think about Jinhyuck, how angry and disappointed he is. I, the last thing he has left, let him down. 

Then, his face enters my mind. The last face I wish to think about. My dad, and the smile he gave me that night before he left. How fake it must have been. The last kiss he gave me the night before when he said goodnight. Having to say goodbye just three days later as I watched him be put to rest. Jinhyuck sobbing the entire week. And all I could do, was just be. 

"You're okay. It's okay," Taeil says warmly. My sobs have become lesser, and I finally begin to catch my breath. My eyes are swollen more than they've ever been. I can't seem to make out any of the posters up on Taeil's wall, or any of the objects laying around. It's all blurry and double. Even Taeil's face, which is just inches from mine. 

I wipe under my eyes. "It's not fucking okay. If I weren't so fucking dumb—"

"No. No, you're not dumb. Don't even think about that."

I bite down on my lip before speaking again. "But everything. Everything is ruined. All of it. Every single thing. My dad, Jinhyuck, Taeyong, Yuta, every fucking thing."

My words come out fast and barely audible. Taeil lets out a deep breath. I know he's already tired of hearing me complain. He's sick of seeing me cry so much. I don't blame him. 

"None of them deserved it. It should have been me. All of it," more tears fall. "My dad. It should have been me." 

Taeil holds me again as I let out another sharp cry. "No, Sicheng. Don't ever say that. Ever. After all that's happened, you're still here, the world is still turning. You're gonna be okay. Just hold onto hope, okay?" 

As his arms wrap around me, I feel only worse. Taeyong used to hold me like this. The night I was upset and he took me to his bed to show me fake constellations, only I couldn't see. He just wanted to distract me. Help me forget about everything. And I—I outed him. I ruined things for him. I took something so important away from him that he can't get back. 

I feel Taeil's skin around me, only beginning to feel more comfortable. I burrow my head on his shoulders, and he doesn't flinch or move. He's just there. Taeyong used to be like that. He'd just exist with me.

When Taeil starts moving his hand along my back, I lift my head up again. His eyes meet mine, and I can't seem to catch my breath for a moment. I remember looking at Taeyong like this. I remember always kissing him afterward. And he'd hold me, and I'd tell him I love him. He'd wait a while to say it back.

Taeil opens his mouth to speak, but I only stop him from speaking when I press my lips onto his. I don't know why I do it—but I like it. He barely kisses back, but I don't care. He doesn't try to pull away. He doesn't push me off. So I keep close.

When I finally stop, he keeps his eyes closed. His hands suddenly aren't touching me anymore. He moves back away. His hand brushes over his eyes, then his mouth. The look on his face is almost just as bad as Taeyong's on New Year's. Taeil's eyes meet mine again, and it's hard to read his expression. 

"I-I'm sorry," I say before my eyes fill up again. I quickly get up from the bed, running out of his room. Once I get down to the main floor, I can hear Taeil's footsteps following behind me. He calls my name, but I'm already outside before he can get to me. I struggle to unlock the car door, and by now, Taeil has reached the point where I'm standing. Tears continue falling like waterfalls, and I can barely breathe. 

Taeil steals the car keys from my hand. I swat at his arms. "Tell me you'll be safe, and I'll give these back."

I rest my head on the top of the car. A pounding sensation pulses throughout my head as I try to keep myself from crying any longer in front of him. "I'll be fine. I swear, okay? Just let me go, please." I grab the keys from his hand, and he gives me a certain look. A look that says, I don't want to, but I can't bear to look at you. 

So I unlock the car, and I leave. I drive far from his house. And I don't look back. I don't know where I'm going, but, I go.