I'm So Exhausted

Satisfaction guaranteed

It seems that i forgot what normal is

When i say i haven't eaten in three days i forget others have a different reaction

They are horrified and i am proud

I am distorted
I am twisted
How do i forget that?

When i stand up and get dizzy
I am satisfied
That maybe , just maybe i have the potential to land among the stars

All i have to do to go star gazing is to stand up
Others think im having a stroke

When i see the numbers on the scale drop
I smile
Others yell at me

Sweating and shivering is what i crave
Others hate it

I take showers as cold as i can handle
Just to freeze away my fat thighs

I will never be okay until my stomach stays concaved and i finally die

I might be missed by one person
But either way i am not truly living

I have completely lost "normal"

Eat 500 calories
Call it a binge
Fat shame myself
Purge everything until all i have is stomach acid
Run 7 miles in a sweater
Pass out
Repeat

I only feel pretty when i am hungry

I only feel worth something when i can see my ribs Protruding and wrapping my frame with a hug.

I am only proud of what i am when i feel my stomach knot
Am Overwhelmingly nauseous
I cant sleep from hunger pains
Or when i purge the single cracker i ate in 4 days

There is no such thing as normal anymore

It is buried beneath my self-loathing