I'm So Exhausted

Anxiety

My mom doesn't understand.

No-one does.

You cant extinguish a fire by covering your eyes

You cant pretend you can't see something when it is waving in front of your head

It will only grow larger every waking moment

When we were told we were going to seaworld
They were ecstatic
I was already panicking.

I use a jacket and wear jeans as a comfort when everything around me is failing

My mom doesn't understand

She says "no hoodies or long sleeves, and no jeans. Im not doing this shit today, Krysta"

So i change
I cant stop shaking
Thinking if all the people going to be there
Looking at me
Staring at me
Judging me

Im not okay.

I used to wear shorts and short sleeves but boys at my school would grope my thighs, rub my legs, slide their hands up my pants leg, grab my arms, pull on me, kick my butt when we were walking, stare at me, create rumors, laugh at me and i could do nothing about it. I couldn't fight it.
I told teachers
I told the school counselor
I moved away
I asked them to stop
I was powerless.

Covering my skin was my only comfort.
I couldn't handle shorts and short sleeves anymore.

My mom doesn't understand.

When we arrive in the parking lot of my doom i start crying

I
Hate
Crying
So
Damn
Much

My mom tells me to "Get over it, im not having a bad day because of you. You always ruin everything we do"

Now i am vibrating violently

my head is racing

My heartbeat is pumping overtime

A single tear runs down my cheek

My eyes are racing from one attraction to the next because i cant process it all

I cant breathe

My head is spinning like a psychotic marry-go-round.

The further into the sea of people, the worse it gets

We are shoving through crowds
I bump into someone
Their hand grazes my hip
I am hyperventilating.

I don't want to ruin everything once again so i stay quiet

I suffer in silence.

My brother and sister are peering at me

I ask to go to the bathroom,

When i get in the bathroom i pace back and forth
Trying to calm myself
But i am a squirrel on caffeine
My head is dizzy

I throw up
I walk out the bathroom as though nothing happened.
I look to my mom
My hands are quaking
I am beaded in sweat
"Lets have a good day"

Excitement grows, and i can't measure up

Nobody understands what severe social anxiety disorder does to a person.

Nobody will.

I will forever suffer in silence.