365 Days (ziam fanfiction)

Day 73

Day: 73

Time: 12:00 am

     i sit on a bench at the park. its quite dark outside and no ones really around, so no one notices me. i see the beautiful stars above me and i check the time on my watch it reads 12:05 AM and i realize its day 116 since the night me and zayn broke up. i swallow the lump in my throat and hold back the tears that are threatening to spill down from my eyes. i spent hours walking endlessly. my phones been going off like crazy so eventually i just turned it off. now all i hear is the wonderful sounds of the night. i sigh and realize for the first time i can actually breathe. i look down at my arm. its covered by my jacket but the images never really left my mind after the first time. ill never forget. for as long as i live. it felt odd and weird and wrong at first.. but after awhile it felt amazing but as soon as i finished and the blood dried and the only thing left was the stinging and itching of my arm. i realized how stupid it was. but the next day i did it again.. and again... and again.... no matter how stupid it is... it keeps me from drowning. but lately its not helping anymore and i  need something else. i pull up my sleeve and see horrible red stratch marks on my arm. i didnt even realize i was doing this. i trace the marks with my cold fingertips and feel a tear fall from my eye and fall to my arm. i know eventually ill have to go back but i really dont want to right now.. but i get up anyway and head back. trying to think of what i am going to say...

As i walk in the hotel i close my eyes and breathe in. i make my way to the room and see the boys their and my manager is no longer in sight. i sit on the bed and face the boys i take a deep breathe and say "im sorry.. for the way ive been acting recently.. it has nothing to do with zayn. him and i are perfectly fine really. im just really tired." i smirk as i finish it. "i think maybe i am just a bit depressed. i dont really know why. but i am getting better. i am sorry for leaving and snapping at you guys. i really dont mean too. just been a bit snappy recently. i promise ill try harder to be better." i smile and i see them all return it. even zayn. the boys and zayn all come and hug me tightly, but somehow all i feel is the touch of zayns hands on my body..