A Tale of One Deviant (Book One)

Chapter 157: The Trial of Earl de Libellule

     "Don't be so selfish."

     "Worthless child! Bastard child! Why did you have to be born?"

     I pulled away. It wasn't that maid's memories, but my own rising up from deep inside me. The voices were in my head louder than just thoughts, like they were speaking right beside me again, like they were whispering in my ears and misting my face with their breaths.

     It was a newer maid, definitely, since I would've recognized one with as turbulent of thoughts and aura as her. I didn't get that far when placing my hand on her shoulder, since her thoughts at the time of me freezing her cropped up and triggered my own.

     I couldn't touch her. I didn't dare. If I did-

     "You have to be perfect. You have to make up for having ruined my life. If I'd just never had you...if I'd never had you!"

     I was on the floor. When my levitating had stopped, I didn't know, but I was at the foot of that maid and curled up into a ball, just trying to make it stop. It felt like I was there again, and I was trying so hard to not be there.

     Paivla's torture. Something I'd forgotten until Sherfire just had to mention it-

     "Hahhh..." I breathed out, arching my back and looking to the ceiling. It made air swell my lungs, but I coughed when my neck bent a certain way. The metal collar was leaning on my chin, making it even harder, but that was welcome. The pain was welcome. It was distracting.

     I blinked away the memories. Every time I closed my eyes...every time...

     I couldn't keep them closed. If I did for more than a while, then I would remember. It was like a subconscious alarm that was set to go off every time I wanted a moment's peace.

     Looks like I really won't sleep for a while.

     And my words to Sherfire were truthful. For the time being, I would have to rely on those few months of sleeping I'd had to be all I'd get for the year.

     Wonderful.

     I seemed to be losing more than I'd gained, on a trip to pick up my stuff and go back to my own "home."

     I left that maid behind. There was no way I was going to even touch a fingertip to her, when I knew exactly what I'd find. The feeling in her heart was similar to the one in mind, so it'd overwhelmed me what I went to dive in...

     Hey wait a minute, I struggled on the floor, looking at her face. I recognize you.

     And that made it all the more worse. Her face, free of tears, let me see exactly what she looked like on a normal basis.

     The girl that had sat alone amidst all of the servants inside the manor, with no one to comfort her when it seemed like the end was near. The one that didn't feel anything while staring out, unable to peel her eyes away from the scene.

     The one, I'd just figured out, that was somewhat like the past version of myself. Quiet, unassuming, spoke only when spoken to, trying to do her best, trying not to be a burden to others, and being...

     No, I tore my eyes away from her neck. It wasn't in sight because she'd pulled up her collar high enough, and for once had not let her hair down to cover it. No, not like me. I wasn't like that.

     My pride was already seeping in and steering me away from her. No, I wouldn't acknowledge that we were alike at all.

     I left that life behind when I died. I'm not like that anymore. I'm not there anymore. I'm independent, and strong, and I can defend myself. I'm not weak. I'm not stuck anymore. I'm not who I used to be. I'm not who I used to be. I'm not-...