The Truth About Yuuri Katsuki

Sechszehn

The painting was going smoothly, for the most part, until Otabek tried to paint the face. He didn't know what type of face to paint. Yuri had ended up becoming less like Yuri and more like the angel in Otabek's mind. His thoughts about Yuri ended up making the painting a little hard to believe. This wasn't Yuri anymore; this was his idea of Yuri. It reminded him of his self portrait. He couldn't get the face right on that one either. 

Otabek grabbed his failure and put it on a stand next to his current work. The two had a bit of a similar vibe around them. Maybe he should just touch them both up and submit them faceless. Otabek held his face in his hands and sighed. He didn't know what to do. He didn't even want to enter any artwork this year but Yuri seemed so excited to be his 'muse.' 

Jean-Jacques was the only person that Otabek had painted before (outside his own self portrait). Yuri was the only person that Otabek sketched. Why was it that he seemed to move onto a different form of art with each person he held an attachment towards? What would be next? Would he try charcoal? Maybe watercolor? Otabek had always wanted to try watercolors but he'd never gotten around to it. Jean-Jacques used to be so different when he was younger. Otabek wondered what had happened to that Jean-Jacques. Maybe his girlfriend changed him. Or maybe he just got a sudden boost of confidence from somewhere. Otabek didn't understand. But, the person that he had loved certainly didn't exist anymore. 

Otabek didn't know what to do about the face of his painting so he just continued to perfect everything else. It had taken him a while just to get this far. The deadline was within a few days. Should he just turn them both in and leave it faceless? But they needed faces. Without faces how could they be proper people? Well, they weren't even people to begin with. They were ideas. Should he leave it symbolic? Up to interpretation? But they needed faces. Otabek wasn't sure what to do. He'd been up for most of the night trying to figure it out. 

"Is that supposed to be me?" Yuri asked. Otabek was prone to hallucinating Yuri so he didn't realize that Yuri was actually in the room with him. He also didn't realize that he'd forgotten to lock his apartment door and that's why the real Yuri was able to get in.

"Yes, it's supposed to be you," Otabek replied.

"And that's supposed to be you?" 

"Yes."

"Why do you look so sad? Why'd you make yourself a demon?"

"Because it's impossible for a person like me to be in the same rank as you. Demons are fallen creatures meant to be in the cold dark areas furthest from God's love. My Father which art in heaven surely hast forsaken me or my real father wouldn't have been such a bastard," Otabek replied. It was at this point that he realized Yuri was real. The reaction on Yuri's face was one he wouldn't have imagined. The normal hallucination would've nodded and smiled sadly. But this one hugged him and began to cry. Hallucinations can't hug you. They aren't real. Inwardly Otabek cursed himself out for speaking too freely. He didn't want Yuri to worry about him or pity him in any shape or form.

"You aren't a demon," Yuri's muffled voice escaped. His face was buried in Otabek's chest. "You aren't a demon, Beka, you aren't," he sobbed. This wasn't the first time he'd called Otabek 'Beka' but it certainly didn't happen very often. Otabek knew for sure now that Yuri wasn't thinking about his actions or words. He was relying purely on instinct and raw emotion. Otabek would never be able to do that. This was part of the reason he loved Yuri so much. How is it possible for someone to act purely for themselves? Otabek was used to being controlled. He felt as if free will was impossible for a person like him. He felt as if his whole life was just a cruel game for whoever created him. Maybe he was a puppet. Maybe he was Pinocchio. He longed to be a real person but that wish would never become true...or so he believed.

"Yuri," Otabek patted Yuri's head, "this is just a painting. It's not the truth."

"But it is your truth," Yuri replied. Otabek couldn't fight that logic. Yuri was right. It was his truth. The truth sucks. 

Otabek opened his mouth to speak again but closed it shut. His mouth formed a straight line as he tried to collect his thoughts. He shouldn't say too much more or things could get out of hand. Otabek was a reserved individual. He didn't know what to say or how to say it correctly so he preferred to say as little as possible.

"I'm sorry," Otabek finally responded. "I wish I could see myself the way you see me."

Yuri clung to Otabek. He'd stopped crying but he didn't know what else to do now. He'd gotten snot and tears all over Otabek's shirt. He also didn't want Otabek to see his after-cry face. Why'd he cry to begin with? So unmanly. No wonder people thought he was a girl. He didn't act like a guy. Yuri inwardly beat himself up continually until Otabek patted his head. He looked up at Otabek's face without knowing what to do. 

"Are you okay now?" Otabek asked.

"No," Yuri sniffled.

"Oh," Otabek replied.

"I want you to be happy, Otabek," Yuri took a deep breath in and then let it out. He was trying to calm himself down. How was Otabek so calm all the time? It must be a superpower of some sort.

Otabek smiled, "Thank you for worrying about me so much. I'll always be happy as long as you're happy though."

Yuri blushed, shook his head, and then frowned, "that's not happiness!"

"It is for me," Otabek sighed, "It'll be the closest thing I can ever get."

"That's so sad..." Yuri wanted nothing more than to help Otabek. He was determined to do something for him. Although, he didn't know the first thing about where to start.