The Secret

Chapter 7

Yesterday was horrible, especially school. Every time I walked past a guy, I flinched. I get scared. Even when I'm with Alex I feel uneasy. I don't get it. I felt fine at the end of last week.

The dreams are getting worse. More vivid and more violent. I had ,what seems like, a never-ending headache. I took some pain relief for it but it didn't help. I suddenly feel the urge to cry. I put my pillow over my eyes. Please no I don't want to cry. But as my mind drifts to that night, tears start drenching my pillow. I slam the pillow across the room, it hits my white door. My neck feels sore from remembering how hard he pulled. My body starts to uncontrollably shake. I grip my head with my hands begging for the pain to go away. It hurts, it hurts so much.

My breathing picks up once again. I can't stop it. Why can't I fucking stop it? I turn over so my face is digging into my mattress and start to sob, silently at first, but then a wave of pain washes over me and I start to sob uncontrollably. I scream, the mattress muffling my screams just like the duct tape. "Why?" I whisper my sobs softening. "Why me?"

I drag myself to school. I decided to walk this morning. It was a bad decision. I arrive at school finally after half an hour of walking. I head straight to the toilet. I'm getting pretty accustomed to this place. I go and have a wee. As I leave the cubicle I see a person staring at me. She looks a lot like me. I stare at her. Same eye colour, but nothing else looks the same. My hair is a mess. I slept in it. There are dark circles under my eyes, which are puffy and red. I'm wearing an oversized t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms. The ones I slept in last night. I let out a sigh and walk over to wash my hands and I head off to English.

I get there a few minutes late. Ms. Daley gives me a warning. I nod and go over to sit in an empty space at the back. No one that I'm friends with is in this class. Thank God, I want to hold off seeing them as much as I can. I take out my copy and drop it on the table in front of me. I lower my head onto it, too tired to do anything today.

"Take out your homework, I'm going around to collect it." I hear Ms.Daley say.

Shit. We had homework? I shrug it off.I don't bother to lift my head up until I feel someone tapping my shoulder. I lift my head and Ms.Daley is giving me a disapproved look. I'm the good girl who always has her hair done, her face washed, her teeth brushed. Wait did I brush my teeth? Ugh, I can't remember.

"Homework." She says expectantly

"I didn't do it"My voice sounding sloppy and grungy.

"And why is that?" she asks.

"No reason," I say truthfully.

"Give me your journal."

I give to her and watch her writing in it. When she finishes she drops it on my desk and walks off. I stare at my journal. My first note ever. As I sit there staring I overhear something that pulls me out of my daze.

"Yeah, she done it with two guys." A girl's voice said.

"Ewww. What a fucking slut." another voice said disgustedly.

"She's such a whore."

The words ring in my ear.You, dirty, dirty whore No one will love you. I look down at my lap where my hands are placed, shaking. I move my hands away. I stare at what once was an innocent girl but now a whore.

I hide in the cubicle as lunch begins. I don't want to see Alex or Maddy. I want to stay here with my new best friend, the toilet. She's great. She doesn't mind when I sit on her. When I cry. She's pretty quiet, which is perfect.

I sit there for a while listening to conversations. One group of girls were consoling their friend because her boyfriend dumped her. He cheated. What an asshole, I thought to myself. Suddenly I could feel my pocket vibrate. Maddy was calling, I declined. As I put my phone back it started to buzz again. Maddy. I declined. I put my phone back and held my head in my hands, still battling my headache from the night before. My pocket vibrated. I took out my phone and saw a message from Maddy.

-Where are you??

-Alex and I are waiting in the cafeteria.

I sigh. Should I go or should I just stay here and ignore her. Maybe I could hide- I lost my thought as my phone starts to vibrate again. It's Alex. I turn my phone on silent. There, that solves my problem. But as I sit on the toilet seat. I start to feel guilty. I sigh and get out, overcome by guilt. I walk into the cafeteria and spot Maddy and Alex instantly. As I approach, Maddy smiles at me then she gives me a confused look. Alex turns around and does the same. I sit down beside them. None of them speak they're just staring at me like I'm some exotic creature.When they refuse to say anything I blurt out "What?" harsher than I expected.

Maddy shakes her head a little but Alex speaks first.

"You look-" he pauses. "Different."

As I begin to answer Maddy cuts in.

"You look like shit." She says with a disgusted look on her face.

"Thank you for your observation Maddy" I spit out.

"Woah someones in a bad mood." A new voice cuts in.

I look up and see Daniel.I stare at him, shocked. God, he's actually in school, that's surprising. Maddy, Alex, Daniel and I used to be a tight bunch of people but then Daniel literally stopped going to school. We questioned him of course but he never gave us a proper answer. Alex breaks the tension first and gets up to give Daniel a hug.

"I've missed you, man." He says patting him on the back.

Maddy gets up and greets him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I stay sitting. I probably look like the rudest person ever but I just can't bring myself to wrap my arms around him. Just the thought of it brings a shiver down my spine.

"No hug?." Daniel says pouting at me, with his dark green eyes.

"Nope," I say, trying my hardest not to sound rude. "Welcome back" I smile at him.

He pushes a strand of his blonde hair which has ended in front of his face, back.

"I see how it is." He sits down beside Alex across from Maddy and me. "Any gossip?"

"Actually yes." Maddy starts and she goes on talking about everything that has happened since he left.

It's funny how he just came back so suddenly and us just gossiping brinks me back to when Daniel was around nearly every day. He loved hearing the latest drama. We all did. Yes, we were that group. We talked about people a lot and all the drama and fights. But we never got involved.

"Oh Maya." Maddy says. I turn to her to hear what she says "You know Haley?"

I nod. Of course I know her.

"She had sex." she looks at me expecting me to react but I freeze. "With two guys." She adds on.

I look over at Alex and Daniel hoping they jump in with their view but instead they're engrossed in their own conversations.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Maddy asks. I keep quiet. My head spinning again. "Okay."She elongates the word.

"Well in my opinion, and no offence to her or anything." Maddy begins."I think she's a whore"

She continues to ramble but as soon as I heard that word again, it seems like everything had faded out and I hear the words again in a low and croaky voice. You dirty, dirty whore.

I look at Maddy and I see her mouth moving but only a barely audible whisper is coming out and suddenly I see Maddy in a different way. Not the nice girl, not the person who I laughed until I cried with. But as a self-centered girl who only cares about herself and doesn't give a shit about what she says. I run away without looking back and I run back to my house.

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xx