Numbers || Andy Biersack

chapter twenty eight

We tried the whole amnesia thing.

Two days passed in surreal moments. Andy was basically a personification of the heart eyes emoji. And I was just confused. We were everything I wanted--honest, real, passionate--but it just wasn't right. It felt so hollow.

Truly, it was the first time I'd felt like I could actually have a relationship with Andy. But it still didn't feel like much compared to Rhys. In the short time I'd been here, Andy had allowed me to dive  headfirst into his life.

I'd met Zander, the precocious two year old with Andy's bright eyes. He was so much like a miniature Andy, bright and loving yet guarded. Even for a toddler, he was hilarious, clearly getting his sense of humor from his father. We'd sat on the floor of Andy's apartment playing trains and watching Scooby Doo for hours, absolutely enamored by the smiling boy. Andy watched us, grinning as we interacted, so much love and hope in his eyes that it hurt.

Because as awful as it was, I wasn't thinking about what role I might play in this amazing little boy's life or that Andy was probably imagining us as a family. What I was thinking about was if this is what it would be like when Rhys and I had kids. Would we sit around playing and laughing, lost in our own little world? 

And that was truly the moment I realized that despite the fact that I was trying to give Andy and I a chance, I wasn't sure if I really could. I felt horrible, knowing Andy was baring his soul to me, being honest and vulnerable even though it scared him to no end. 

Andy kissed me, his body pressing against mine on the couch. "I want you to stay with me forever."

I smiled against his lips. "Sometimes I think I do too."

"Only sometimes?" He pulled back, expression somber yet guarded.

I looked down, away from his blue-eyed gaze. I didn't want to admit that even though Andy had given me everything I'd asked for, it still didn't feel like enough.

"I love you," he whispered.

I stilled, unsure as to how to respond.

"You don't have to say it back," he murmured, "but it's true. I've never stopped loving you. I never moved on."

"I wish you had," I admitted.

"Why?" Andy frowned.

I shrugged, not wanting to admit the truth that was blossoming in my chest. I couldn't help but think back to his words from a couple days before when he'd sung that song to me. "I know you're always going to leave. I know you're going back to Rhys. I know I'm not enough for you," he'd said. I hated that he thought that, but I wasn't sure I could really deny it.

The sex was amazing, his kisses were fireworks, but I didn't love him. And I could never love him, not like I loved Rhys. The only time Andy made my heart race was when we were tangled in sheets and pressed skin to skin.

I kept thinking back to when I had been with him when I was sixteen. At the time, it had seemed like Andy put the stars in the sky and hung the moon. He was everything. The planets orbited around his smile, and so did I. Andy filled me with so much love and happiness. He used to make me feel like I had galaxies within me, like I was important and amazing. I'd spent the nights staring at the ceiling as Andy slept quietly beside me, arms wrapped around me like he was scared I'd drift away if he didn't hold me tightly to him. And that was when I realized why this relationship wasn't enough for me anymore.

I didn't need anyone to make me feel like I was important. As I'd grown and evolved from the person I'd once been, I didn't just get over Andy. I'd learned self-love and respect and how to be my own happiness. When I was around Rhys, I felt amazing. He made the fire within me grow, but he wasn't the source. I didn't need him, I just wanted him because he made me even happier. And that was the big difference. I had just loved Andy out of a need for someone to fill an empty space, to make me feel like I wasn't meaningless.