When It Comes To You |j.k

32: 痛

I stuff my hands in my hair as I struggle to breathe. I purse my lips but they tremble as I fail to suppress the wave of emotions exploding out from me.

"We've done nothing together. I know nothing about him. There was so much I wanted to change between us, and then he just left. Completely gone, erased. Who allowed him to leave like that?"

There were so many things for him to make up for, so many things to make right. He hadn't apologized for what he did to Aera, for what he'd done to me, for not giving me any fond memories to hold onto before he left, for letting me grow up like a boy without a father because of his constant absence.

If only everyone knew how I wish to forgive him. But how can I?

He should've lived, so that he could ask for forgiveness, and make up for all that he'd done and didn't do.

He's not off the hook.

So who said he could leave?

"Jungkook-"

Namjoon's voice reminds me of their presence and my ears immediately redden up from embarrassment. I had not intended to cry, and even more so, definitely not in front of the six brothers that i admire so much.

"Sorry for this."

I grunt, quickly using my palm to smear the tears that blurred my sight. Someone from my right hands me a tissue, I take it, blowing my nose.

"Crying is necessary. Pain is necessary." Namjoon speaks, as if he's pulling words from a book of quotes, as usual. "You haven't been crying much, have you?"

I shake my head.

"I try not to."

"Why?" Yoongi asked quietly.

I began to ask myself this question.

For real this time.

Why?

"Because," I started, but didn't know how to continue my sentence.

"Because.."

Sometimes feelings get buried so deeply inside you that they're no longer just secrets kept from the world. Sometimes these feelings become hard to admit, even to yourself.

"Because I don't want my father to be the reason of my tears."

I don't want to cry for him.

"I'd always resented him. I never knew finding out that you love someone can also be just as painful as hating them. It hurts when you feel both at the same time."

He'd done nothing for me.

Nothing good, at least.

And yet here I am mourning over almost what feels like pure nothingness.

"He's left me with a company I don't want. It's more of a burden than anything else, to be honest. He could've given it to my mother. Even her, he didn't trust. I suppose I should be grateful for his faith in me, at least."

I'm going off topic. I'm running away.

"Jungkook, focus." Jin murmurs next to me, as he rested his hand over mine.

I gulp.

"It scares me," I think. "That his death can be so impactful to me. It scares to know that he means more to me than i thought he did."

I haven't been breathing right ever since his passing. There's something choking me. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't go about my day without feeling like I'm missing a piece.

several pieces.

Not just him.

Bangtan doesn't know.

I'm missing Aera. I'm missing her bad.

Her absence didn't come gradually like my father's. She was here every second of everyday and then she was gone. Gone from every of second of my every day.

I was holding her so closely just the day before, her lips were on mine, our hearts were sewn together and ripped apart by the next morning.

"Does Aera know that your father's gone?" Jin asked, mostly to himself, because neither of us really know where she's been or what she's been up to.

"The whole world knows." Hoseok replied quietly.

"No matter." I try to shake away the heavy atmosphere, "Would you guys like to eat? I have some food in the refrigerator."