When It Comes To You |j.k

32: 痛

I stare at my feet.

The television suddenly goes silent and so do the boys.

"Are you okay?" Jimin leaves his seat and comes over to the other side to sit down next to me.

I nod.

"I'm still adjusting."

Adjusting to absence of my girlfriend, and my own father. Adjusting to losing my time with these six idiots, adjusting to this early entrance into adult life. Adjusting to this new weight of responsibilities.

Adjusting to the 180 turn my life has taken.

"You're obviously not fine." Jin tells me truthfully, "Do you have anyone to talk to?"

I'm assuming he's talking about my father's death.

i shake my head.

"Unless my mother having multiple meltdowns in front of me counts."

Jimin ruffles my hair and puts his arm on top of Jin's, both hanging around my shoulders.

"You can talk to us."

"You guys wouldn't get it."

"Who said we have to?" Namjoon asks, "We'll listen and be there for you whether if we understand or not." He states, and I start to feel my chest tighten.

I know I'm about to cry.

I don't like crying.

It's none of that 'feeling weak' nonsense. It's just that I've been so strong for so long. Just like the lady I saw at the funeral home, I've become numb. So hurt that I can't feel worse. The wound in me hurts so much I've grown numb.

At least I thought I had.

The next thing I know I'm sobbing, hiccuping, and I'm breaking down for the first time since the funeral. I try to bite back the cries but they burst from my mouth, and I can feel the saltiness of my tears as they run down my cheeks one after another without a stop.

I didn't know my heart could hurt this bad.

People would always say that they've had their colours taken from their life, that their hearts have been ripped out of their chest, that the sky had fallen down on them, or even that they felt like a thousand knifes had cut through them.

I never understood why someone would describe their feelings like that, it always seemed like a stretch, like they've magnified their pain.

But I get it now. I get that feeling so well that I wish I hadn't.

I really feel like I'm living in black and white.

I really feel like I'm being ripped apart.

I really feel like the sky is falling down on me.

I've been walking on thorns, and it seems that only now am I looking down to acknowledge the blood dripping from my feet.

"Let it all out, it's okay." Jin massages the back of my neck and I feel someone resting their head on my back, arms around me.