Regret Me Not | 김석진

Thirty Two

Jin woke with a terrible fit of guilt in his stomach. It stabbed at his nerves, jolting him up. The feeling possessed him to grab his phone and call Victoria. But his hand hovered over the device. Why did he really want to call her? Why did he want to go back to that relationship when all they did was destroy each other?

He thought about it, sitting back and leaning his head on the wall behind his bed. His mind whirled with sudden epiphanies that he hadn't even considered until just then. It was almost as if the universe became tired of him repeating the same mistakes and gave him a shove in the right direction.

Do I really love Victoria? Of course. At least, I think I do. Or...maybe It's all been fake this entire time. I was clinging to her and she was clinging to me. We were looking for something in each other that we should've looked for in ourselves. Maybe I keep going back to her and the others, trying to love and be loved because I don't love myself.

The revelation caused him to stare at the ceiling with his jaw slack. Wow, I'm good...I should be a psychologist. The handsome psychologist. Dr. Phil? More like Dr. Kim.

He shook his head to get rid of the ridiculous thoughts that clouded his important ones. But he had already made his decision. Though it hurt like hell, though he wanted to cry, though it was the last thing he wanted to do—Jin took his phone in his hand, looked up the contacts of all his friends...

...and deleted all of them.

~

A few months later, he had finally come to terms with his decision. He needed to figure himself out. All of his friends needed to figure themselves out before they could come together again. At least, if only he figured himself out, he could help them and it might work.

But now, it was time for him to find beauty in the small things; to learn to be okay with being alone. It was time for him to finally grieve the death of his good friend Yoongi and the imprisonment of his other good friend Taehyung. He only wished he had been mature enough to tell them what he wanted to back then.

Yoongi-ah, I forgive you, but you need to forgive yourself.

Let yourself heal, Taehyungie-ah. It's okay to lean on us. Just let us help you.

It was a bit late to have those thoughts, but Jin couldn't help it as he sat on a wooden park bench. He was watching cherry blossoms fall before him and be whisked away by the spring breeze. A single tear escaped his eye and he could almost hear Yoongi's voice.

Stop crying. You look ugly when you cry, hyung.

He smiled and wiped the tear away. He would truly miss Yoongi. He missed all of them. But he knew he had to do this. He knew he had to find himself before he found them again. The map to the soul was what he was after, and he would've done anything to get it. He wanted to help himself.

Jin stood, deciding that he had been sitting there thinking for long enough. He slipped his hands into his pockets and kicked some stray rocks as he strolled down the streets of Seoul. He knew the city by heart, but as stated before, he was still learning to be comfortable being alone. Work was normal. It went back to being how it was before Victoria worked there.

Sungyoon mostly avoided Jin. Jin knew it was because the young man was her roommate. The thought crossed his mind a few times that they began dating. He would immediately become angry at the idea, but he would just clench and unclench his fists, letting it go. He had to stop worrying about what the others were up to. It was a period in his life where he focused on himself.

A coffee craving hit him like a ton of bricks and he really thought he could have gone for an Americano just then. So Jin stopped in front of Paris Baguette. His hand was on the knob of the door, but his eyes were fixed on the girl inside.

Through the glass, he could see her. Victoria was smiling as a customer handed her money over the register. Beside her, a handsome man he'd never seen before was pulling a box from under the counter. She looked so happy. Of course, he wouldn't know what she was truly feeling.

He already felt the wetness on his cheeks as he backed away and continued walking. And then he stopped. The pain in his chest was too great. He almost couldn't breathe. And he almost turned around. Almost.

Though every cell in his body was screaming at him to go get her, he ventured down the street with balled fists and tears rushing down his face. He ignored the stares from strangers. He needed to work on himself before he could try to fix things with Victoria.

I can't look back. I can only move forward. And if she truly belongs in my life, she will be waiting for me at the end of my journey to find myself.