Regret Me Not | 김석진

Thirty One

"How do I find my way back from the place where you led me?"

Jin only blinked at Victoria's question as they lay on his bed facing each other. He reached over and moved some hair out of her face. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," she started, grabbing hold of his hand. "You took me somewhere I never even thought existed. You showed me what it means to love and be loved. How am I supposed to get back from that place?"

He faltered, voice barely a whisper. "Why do you have to go back?"

She swallowed hard as his hand tightened over hers. "Do you want me to stay?"

"I never wanted you to leave," he admitted quietly. "I was just mad and hurt. As long as Yoongi's out of the picture, I don't care. I want you for the rest of my life."

The last part of his confession didn't get in—she was fixated on what he said about Yoongi, her chest aching. "You shouldn't blame Yoongi for my mistakes."

"I hate him," he said, voice hardening. "That bastard ruined our relationship."

Victoria squeezed her eyes shut to keep the tears in. "Yoongi's dead."

Jin stopped, taking his hand away from hers. "What?"

"He killed himself last month," she croaked, voice cracking. Although her eyes were closed, tears still squeezed out.

He wiped them away out of reflex. "Why are you so upset about it?"

Her eyes flew open to see him staring at her. "He's one of my best friends, Jin! I would be this upset about any of the others dying, too!"

Jin sat up. "Do you have feelings for him?"

"He's dead," she repeated and sat up as well.

"That wasn't my question."

"I love you."

He turned to look at her. "That also wasn't my question."

"Why does it matter?" she asked, a bit too defensive for his liking.

"It matters because you fucked him!"

Victoria shook her head. "I can't believe you! Yoongi's dead and you're stuck on irrelevant shit from the past!"

"It's not irrelevant, Victoria!" he shouted and stood. "Do you have feelings for him or not?!"

"When he was alive, yeah!" she admitted. "I did." Jin furrowed his eyebrows, hurt all over again. "But I love you. I've always loved you."

He only stared intently before responding. "I loved you, too." She flinched at his words. "But now?" He shook his head and Victoria faltered when she realized what she saw in his eyes: regret. "Now I wish we'd never met. Then neither of us would feel what we are right now."

Jin's gaze was calm and steady as he continued, trying to ignore the soft sobs coming from the woman he loved. "That's how you find your way back. Pretend you never knew me." His eyes ventured to the floor, feeling heavier than they ever had. "And since we've never met, I think you should go."

Victoria covered her mouth with her hand and continued to cry. Jin tried to show no emotion even though he knew he was on the verge of tears himself.

Slowly, she exited his bed and got to her feet. It was almost like that day at the beach again. He did nothing as she walked past him to the stairs with the Fleur De Lis design they both loved so much. Her finger brushed past the first worn tip before descending the stairs.

She turned around once at the door to look at him one last time, but he had closed it. As she passed the mirror and the side table, the lilies seemingly fell over without her touching them.

Victoria left more broken than before, but what she didn't know was that Jin was leaning his forehead against his closed door, tears streaming down the face he always insisted was so handsome.

But without her, he wasn't sure he even had that. She was his glow. Yet his pride wouldn't allow him to open the door and say what he really wanted to. He didn't really care that she had feelings for Yoongi—he knew she loved him. So why wouldn't he just let himself be happy?

Why was happiness so hard to achieve for everyone in his life?