Liberty Star

Can I forgive....Would You?

I try writing in the stupid journal. Actually I pick it up several times just to look at the blank pages that stare back at me, begging for me to write something...anything.

After about an hour, I toss it aside again for the hundredth time. Instead I climb out the window, thinking that fresh air might do me some good. Just thinking about forgiving anyone right now makes me want to vomit.

"Hey, you alright?" Hayden sits beside me and starts rubbing my back.

"I guess so." I say not so convincing.

"That's sounded so reassuring, come out let it out, I'm here to listen; what is it?"

"Dr. Gilbert....can you believe she wants me to write a letter to them; she wants me to let them know what they did and how it effects my life and maybe be able to forgive them.

"Why?"

"Something about if I write it, it will be out in the open and it will be off my chest, my mind and maybe I can actually move on with my life. I mean what the hell; forgive them, why, how could I or anyone ever be able to do that." My eyes tear up just thinking about it. I don't want to cry in front of him but I just can't stop the damn tears from coming.

He places his arm all the way around me. "You know they do say it helps heal the mind and soul, but I totally understand how you feel and it's difficult to forgive someone for some things. Maybe at least try to write why you are hurting, what they did; I'm not sure about forgiving right now, but if you let it all out maybe it will help you."

"Could you....could you do it...forgive your parents?"

"I don't know Lib; I mean maybe I could. My parents have been gone a long time now and even if I did write it it's not like they can see it."

"Yeah but what if they could. Do you forgive them for fighting all the time, forgive your dad for what he did to you, to your mom?"

"I don't know?"

"How about this, I will try to write to them if you will try to write to your parents. You know just to let it all out in the open. Then I will share with you and if you want you can share with me or if we can't share with each other at least we will know it's out there."

He sits there beside me really quiet now contemplating if he should try to write them a letter. After taking it into consideration and taking a deep breath he says, "Sure if it will help you write yours I will try to."

When I get back to my room, I get out the journal and lay on the bed. I think writing to my dad would be the easiest so that is what I started with. Ok maybe it's not as easy as I thought but I got the pen and just started writing.

Dear Dad,

I was asked to write a letter to you about how you make me feel. The thing is I haven't felt anything for you in years. You see you truly pissed me off, yes I'm pissed off at you. Why because you left me behind. I thought I was your favorite little girl but I was so wrong. I use to lie in bed at night and pray to God that you would come back home, that you would save me from her, save me from him. But you never came at the last time you were there. I know you moved on and have another family. I'm sure they are nothing like us, the poor kids.

I hate that you couldn't help moma get better and get sober. I hate you and mama would fight all the time. I hate that you were the one that helped destroy our family and I hate that you couldn't protect me from him. If you would have known that mama beat us all the time or that when he came he started where she left off would you have saved us? If you had know he touched me...molested me for years until he thought raping me was better would you have saved me? Would you?