Liberty Star

Thumball Therapy

The next few days were crazy. I would catch Hayden looking at me when Mr. Shaw wasn't looking. He would talk to me in front of them, just normal conversation that one would have with anyone.

It's also rained the past few days so we haven't been able to meet on the roof and we haven't gone to each other's room at night because the Shaw's have been paying closer attention to us. I guess Mrs. Shaw must know something by now about the two of us.

I have another visit with Dr. Gilbert today and its really funny how being around her I can talk just about anything. I don't know how she does it but I'm like an open book around her.

"Good afternoon Star, how's the week been going?" she asks.

"Alright I guess," I grumble, while taking off my shoes to sit on the sofa.

"How's writing in the journal going?"

"Alright I guess."

"Is something bothering you Star?" Her voice sounds very concerned and sincere. I look at her and then around the room trying to avoid her. "We can talk about anything you know." She waits for me to talk, while she cleans up her desk.

"I don't know...I think the trial will be over soon and when it is over where does that leave me."

"Leave you?"

"Yeah you know, where I go from there. The Shaw's will make me leave. I can't live with my mom and my dad doesn't want me..us I mean." I grab a can of Play Doh off of the shelf, opening it up to take out the bright fluorescent pink glob, squishing it between my fingers.

"Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know. I mean I like the Shaw's but I know they won't take the four of us. My moma and dad are both out. I just want the four of us together...we have to be."

"Well hopefully something will work out."

"I hope so; I can't stay away from them any longer. I'm going crazy already worrying about them."

"I can only imagine; I'm sure they are all thinking the same thing."

"I know."

"So you like the Shaws?"

"Yes and no." I roll my eyes at her while playing with the Doh.

"What do you mean?"

"They are really nice, they really are. It's just Hayden and I have gotten closer and I don't think they like that we are getting closer."

"Oh!"

"I really don't want to talk about it...is that alright?"

"Ok, well what would you like to talk about?"

"I don't know."

"You feel like playing a game?"

"Sure, why not." She throws a ball at me; thankfully I was paying attention and catch it.

"You want to play ball...what's the catch, I know there is something more to it than this."

"Well move your thumb there and read what's under it."

So I moved my thumb and read aloud, "I can calm myself by..."

"Fill in the blank."

"Sitting on the roof watching the stars."

"That does sound very calming, now toss me the ball." I toss her the ball and she reads what is under her thumb and then toss it back to me.

"Too much focus on the past can...make your life miserable and make you go insane." I throw the ball back at her. Then she throws it back at me.

"Imagine a safe place...being in Hayden's arms." I smile and toss her the ball.

The next time I catch the ball I read out loud again, "If you had one day left to live what would you do? Well I would make sure my family was back together again and safe from all harm." I throw the ball back at her.

Now I look at the ball, I read part of it to myself before reading it out loud. "What is the one thing you could have done differently? You know I'm getting tired can we call it a day?" I ask her.

"Star, how about you finish the statement first, then we will call it a day," she presses the topic.

"Why, why is it so important? It's not like anything is going to change the fact what happened or how it happened, it's not going to make a difference." I get all defensive.

"Maybe not, but if you could have done anything different what would you have done?"

I shrug and then exhale, "Well for starters, I would have killed him myself. I don't know how but somehow. I would have found away to make him leave or I don't know kill him without anyone knowing I had anything to do with it."

I watch as she writes something down on her note pad. "So you feel he deserved to die?"

"Yes, I prayed that he would die since the first day he thought it was alright to start touching me. I prayed he would choke to death or even die from an over dose. I wanted him gone."

"And now that he is?" She plays with the pen in her hand, twirling it as if she is waiting to wrote down my next statement.

I huff, "I'm glad he is gone; I hope he burns in hell for all eternity."

"Star, why didn't you ever tell anyone, someone, like a teacher, another relative, anyone."

"No one would have believed a young teen. Really would you have believed me? Besides he threatened to hurt them and if I had to save them, that was my way of doing it. So I let him...to save them."

"I would have believed you. I also believe that you are one brave girl to endure all of that just to save them."

"Brave..ha! I was scared shitless. I never knew when he was going to come after me. Like I said though I wasn't really there when he was touching me; I mean my body was but my mind was elsewhere."

I look up at the clock. "Looks like our time is up."

"I guess so, but can you do something?"

"What?"

"The journal I gave you; I want you to write what you would like to say to them."

"Too who?"

"Your mother, father and even Jackson."

"Why?" I look back at her with a blank expression.

"I think you need to get it all out, off your mind. They will probably never see it, well Jackson for sure will never see it, but I want you to write about how they made you feel, how they hurt you and if possible can you forgive them."

"Forgive, are you serious?" I hiss.

"Yes, I'm serious; write it all out in the open. Let it out off your past so you can move on with your life. If you are planning on being with Storm, River and Dawn, you are gonna have to live for the future and let go of the past."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"At least try." She opens up the door for me to leave. "Try to let it all go."