Liberty Star

Sharing Our Letters

The next day, I take the journal to Hayden and hand it right to him.

"I told you I would try, here you can read it- but only the pages that are have the sticky notes ok. I'm trusting you will not read anything else."

He takes the journal from my grasp and sits on the sofa. I watch him as he reads it to himself. Every now and then he makes a face, or his fist starts to tighten up and you can see the white in his knuckles. A few times he looks away, as if taking it all in or thinking holy hell welcome to my world. When he is done he hanfs me back the journal.

"Thanks for letting me read that and trusting me with it." He tries to smile but seems to be having a difficult time doing it.

"I can trust you."

"I wished I had known you then before all this happened to you, I would have saved you."

"No one could have saved me, Hayden."

"Your mom could have if she hadn't been so freaking wasted all the time, or your dad if he had known." He shrugs.

"No, even then it would have happened. Nothing would have changed the fact that he hurt me."

"I hate them all; I don't even know them and I hate them. Your mother is just a bitch, your fathers' a dick for leaving and Jackson- there are no words for that prick to express how much I hate him for hurting you. There is no forgiving what they did to you."

I try to smile, but it's falters. "So not to change the subject but did you have a chance to write to your parents?"

"I did wait here." He runs up the stairs to his bedroom and within a few seconds he is running back down the steps, I can hear every little thump on the steps. He doesn't have a journal, instead he hands me two envelopes.

"Here read these," he sighs.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes that was the deal right." I take them from him and he turns and leaves  the room all together.

I open the first one addressed to his mom on the envelop he scrawled - To my Beloved Mother

Dear Mom,

I know now that none of this was ever your fault. You were the most caring mother in the whole entire world. The kind of mom that loved baking cookies and playing in the mud of rainy days.

I miss you so much. I'm sorry he took you away from me. You didn't deserved to die. And that night of the fight, you were taking up for me; you always did put me first before your own needs.

I'm doing alright. I'm healing more and more every day. I met this girl that I know you would have loved. She's been through a lot as well and is also in the process of healing. But God I wish you could meet her mom; she's amazing and doesn't even know it.

I forgive you for that night, for arguing with dad. I know you didn't mean for it to go the way it did. I'm alright mom...I really am. I promise to be the son that you had always wanted.

Thank you for everything that you taught me. Thank you for always being there for me even in the bitter end you were always right there by my side. I'm sorry that I could not have saved you, I'm sorry mom. I will always be thinking of you.

Love your son,

Hayden

I use my sleeve to wipe the stray tears. I wish I could have met her she seemed to be the perfect kinda of mom. I would have done anything to have my mom like that again. I fold the letter back and placed it in. Then I take out the other letter that was addressed to his dad. I take a deep breath before unfolding it and then I begin to read it.

Dear Dad,

I miss the way you were before, before all the arguing. Before work went downhill and you and mom stopped loving each other. I miss playing ball with you in the back yard and you teaching me how to play the guitar.

I hate that you were that upset with her. I'm sorry I always got in the way especially when you guys were fighting. I was a stupid kid always casing trouble.

I know that night you didn't mean to burn me. Did you really mean to hurt her? I guess you did or else you wouldn't have picked up the skillet with the hot grease. I just don't understand how you could hurt the one you really love. Maybe you didn't love her anymore; I don't know.

What I do know is that you took her away from me before I could even say goodbye. I've never even got to go to the funeral or the grave site. I do know it must have hurt you to kill her or else you wouldn't have turned the gun on yourself taking your own life. So guess what? I'm an orphan now. Did you mean to leave me? If I had been there and not in the hospital recovering, would you have killed me too? Can I forgive you; can I???

I met this really awesome girl, I think I'm falling in love with her but I'm scared that one day I will turn into you. We will be happy one day, then arguing will I get that upset to kill her...I pray that I'm wrong...I know there is no way on Earth that I would ever hurt her, not even lay a finger on her. She is that precious to me dad. She sees me, she gets me and she's not frightened by what you done to me...making me into some kind of freak of nature. In fact she called me her 'beautiful freak' can you believe that, she is so freaking amazing and I know she would be so good for me.

I'll never see you again and forgiving you for what you did to me is so difficult but I forgive you. I forgive you for every thing, because we have our good days and we have our bad days and I don't think you really meant to hurt us. Things just got out of hand.

I don't know what else to say but this will be the last time I express my feelings for you.

I love ya dad and miss you

Hayden

More tears stream down my face, my sleeves are so damp from trying to dry my face. I fold the letter and slide it back in. Then go to search for Hayden. He is on the back porch sitting in the swing.

"Hi" I day with a sigh as I sit down beside him. I hand him back the two letters. "Thanks for sharing."

"No problem." He glances into my eyes, "you've been crying?"

"Just a little, I wish I could have met your mom."

"Yeah-you would have loved her and I know she would have like you."

"Awe!"

We swing back and forth a few times pushing off with our feet.

"I wish I could also forgive; I just can't do it that easily."

"It's not easy to forgive and it wasn't easy to forgive my dad, but I need to." He reaches for my hand to hold in his.

"But you did. You know none of it's your fault, you were just a kid."

"Yeah but I always got in the way. I just wanted them to stop fighting."

"I know." He puts an arm around me holding me closer to him as I lay my head against his chest.

"You feel any better getting it all out."

"Not really, but I'll get there."

We both jump when Mr. Shaw shuts the door behind him.

"Hayden!" he hollers.

Hayden takes his arm off from around me and shrugs.