I had survived the first. That was then; this is now. The blindfold of so many pills slowly died away and first though my finger then my head, a passion, a hurt and a need filled me as every moment was consumed with words; every breath with wisps of...
Some of you might recognise this picture. It is drawn on the page after 'Waiting, waiting. Don't let it take me while I am this weak' (included in this collection) and contains some striking similarities both in visuals and meaning...but also very many differences.
Whereas 'Waiting' is all about hiding from something that might destroy it and so lives in its own world concealed and careless of any prying eyes around it, 'Hidden' starts in a place of loss. When you look at her face here, she seems pitifully destroyed and silently pleading for someone, anyone, to help her. Yet everything about her is hidden. If you look at her wings, you'll see the word "hidden" engraved into them and camouflaged by the patterns around it. Even the bright colours she is adorned in cover her true emotions, but she can't fully hide and, looking at her, she doesn't want to hide; not from help.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
The fuzzy picture above shows the confusion of mind that comes about in the increase of blue- sadness. Even with the freedom supposedly designed into her wings in being a fairy, she encapsulates a huge vulnerability. Her entirely naked body shimmers in precious gold and silver, but the very nature of the metal distances her from the world of mortality.
She is a weak and lonely and lovely and hurting and an ill-fitting fairy- something that no one really believes in. The wings take on a fragile tone (emphasised by the picture mode below) because she is grounded in her sorrows. Her wings just hang there as an extra decoration of the art of 'being okay' or perhaps a cruel reminder of how broken she is. You can only imagine what this is representative of in real life: the false freedoms.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
In this negative depiction of 'Hidden to stay hidden', shines right through the figure. Echoing the innermost fears, she appears almost wraith-like and rather frightening. Perhaps this was really how she always felt when sharing her problems too. That she was revealing who she was. That what she was was this; was terrifying. Look at her again. The wide greeny-white now taking the place of her mouth and eyes starts to look like a cry, a scream... held back- hidden. The previous gold of her body has fallen onto the ground into a shadow of the past; of herself. Perhaps this is the part that she must hide so well, because... she wants help. And can't believe anyone would help...would help...her.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
This mottled picture adds a dreamlike quality to the fairy. She takes on a beauty in the only place she can- imagination. Her cheeks appear redder than before, colours more vibrant and her skin shinier. However, if you have ever seen an animation of something decaying and seen the fragments that fall off the skin leaving a mottled and warped look, then you might see that resemblance here too. The more she looked to dreams to find meaning or to find any source of worth, the more she loses herself and every aspect of her personality and character. It was a dangerous trade.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Because then... she fades.
As much as she hides, she loses; and yet she thinks to herself, "how much more will I lose if I show myself for who I truly am right now?" We can't know. But prehaps that is the only way out.
