Wave (Book 2)

*Waiting, waiting. Don't let it take me while I am this weak

Okayy picture break ;)

This is a picture I actually drew during a ...well I guess you would call it a breakthrough. That's what all the counsellors were looking for anyway.
It makes it rather difficult to follow advice when the theory and method behind what they suggested were so obvious. Why is this with mentioning though?

I suppose it might have been one of the reasons I simply didn't want to just get 'better'.

Let's start with the title: "Waiting, waiting. Don't let it take me while I am this weak". I believe that at this point, I had dug myself into a deeper hole than ever I had during the 'Earth' stage (see book 1). Although before I had been in darker and more dangerous places, this was the most sticky, the one with the murkiest water and the hardest to fight against.Firstly, because I didn't know it was there, but also because it was a matter of fighting against myself.

I drew this shortly before the next poem 'Overcome' where...it did come and take me. Looking back, I  can't believe that some part of me knew it would get worse. Don't they say it gets worse before it gets better? I suppose I had been travelling in such an emotional wasteland recently that this kind of message didn't shock me. I didn't know what I knew. And, without sounding too dramatic, this could have cost me my sanity, my health...my life.

Sometimes we really are the breaking point; meaning we are the ones who have to get off our buts (and I also mean the "but I'm busy/better things to do/ not too bad" type of buts) and change ourselves. Even if it's someone elses job to save us or help us, call it what you will, it is our job to let them. Feelings shouldn't be ignored.

The fairy drawn here holds herself in that particularly archetypal 'sad' or 'I secure' position. Her vulnerability is enforced in skimpy clothing, lack of shoes, bare shoulders and an unturned face with eyes closed. She seems indifferent to any danger with her wings wide outstretched- careless almost.
Her beauty is obvious in a purity and freeness also depicted in a wild mane of hair.
I focused mainly, though, on her wings:

I think there is a special emphasis on vulnerability and freedom in this picture. Generally, people talk about having the 'wings to fly', but these wings are firmly forgotten about here in the picture. While the will to suddenly be better was there, the want to follow the path leading to that destination was long since diminished. 

Now, there is no way that a picture like this in a time such as I wrote it can be consciously curved and drawn with foresight and planning of all these different interpretations, but I do believe that they appear there while you're drawing and that in that same stroke a sliver of a thought appears on your mind. I do try and find meaning in my work as everything is an expression of the inexpressible and this unconscious detail of feeling somehow finds it's way to the forefront in creative works revealing themselves to us sooner or later, in part or in full.

That's why I have included these pictures in my collection, but also why I value them as much as any of my other poems.

This last picture with the blue shade is my favourite. It brings a murky colour to it, but it also seems to be bringing it to life. Most of all, it reminds me of the broken-spirited, teary context it was written in. 

I was going out to London for a big conference/meeting in one of the many grand Westminster places they have. As much fun as I had, though, and as much as I loved the friends I had gone with and the music and the words and the general atmosphere, there was such a barrier on my emotions. My ability to connect was a swaying bridge at best, but this day highlighted what a distance I had really drifted. 

I started out making a fairy who would hide her head in her knees. Call it a sense of hope if you will, but she ended up showing her face. No longer hiding. Ready to accept her fate.

And it came.

Around the end of the gathering, I had an encounter with someone that completely shook me. I chose to let it reach me. (Notice that element of choice even if it was someone else's action.) I took a while to go back and find my friends and when I did, I'll be ever grateful that they were there for me. I won't name-drop, but one person in particular just stood there and hugged me and put up with my sobbing and tears until the end. I can't express my gratitude to them :)

As a side note, it now appears I won't be able to express my gratitude to them ever... When you reach "Prom?" in my third book 'Firebaby', you'll know why. In fact, you'll get a picture before then.