Survivor { R5 fanfiction}

Chapter 64

Chapter 64

RATLIFF

Although I haven't said much since the ambush, I couldn't stay quiet at this very moment. I just couldn't. Drowned in their frenzy, they forgot our losses, our friends. Our family. How did they forget so easily, so quickly? It consumes me up in the inside. It crawls in my every pore, to my brain. It fills my mind, it echoes and it hits and it pounds to the point my head may explode, if I'm lucky enough. It'll cease at least. I had to oppose the majority, knowing very well I was putting Heather in a difficult position by doing so. I withdrew afterward, without even knowing if they approved. I don't care, I'll take care of it myself if I have to.

No I can't do that, I can't leave the rest of the group. I must protect them at all cost, providing I'm still able to. If I was, it would have never happened.

I have the urge to hit my head against all the walls I'm brushing past. This constant overthinking is driving me insane. I go look for a place where no one will come and disturb me. After I went around the building, I end up stumbling upon a small room, away from everything. There's no much space, but it'll be enough. There are crates to sit on, and someone already came to put an electric lantern. I turn it on, and I slump onto the closest crate. I'm lucky it's resistant. I let out a long sigh, and burry my head in my hands. I focus to stop quivering, and prevent a few more tear to roll down. I didn't realize I was in such a distressed state. I have to pull myself together. I try to control my breath, hoping no one will see me like this. Weak, wavering, letting myself go. I can't do that, they're counting on me, they always did.

Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out.

I hear muffled footsteps getting closer. I don't need to look up to see who is standing at the entrance of my hideout, which turned out to be not as discreet as I thought it was. Light probably got me away.

"Ellington, you okay?" Rydel pushed the door open, and whisper slowly, with a voice soft as silk. I'm relieved she is not angry at me. Nobody wants to deal with a pissed Rydel. Loyal to my new habit, I don't answer.

"Ellington? Ell please say something."

"Delly." I raise my heavy head, and my eyes cross hers. I read there a gleam of hope, and of shock, because of the nickname I haven't used in a long.

"I'm sorry, but I don't wanna talk. I need to be alone, do you understand?"

"Oh. Yes, sure, I do. Just know that I'm here, anytime, anywhere. We all are. We respect your decision."

The thing is, I don't know if I'll ever be. And even if she says she does understand, she doesn't. She narrowed her eyes, and looks up and down, pinching her lips together. She doesn't believe me, she thinks I'm me making up excuses to reject her, her and her help, over and over again. If only she knew. She's done a lot for me already, she's the one who handled me during my crisis, who stuck by my side when I ran away, far from the terrible scene and the group. There's nothing more she can do for me.

I support her look, until she gives in. She looks away from me, ready to go. She walks out the door, but I hear her coming back.

"Don't do something stupid." She says without giving me time to reply. She's already gone.

I gape at the now empty treshold. Do something stupid... Isn't it what I've done already? I shouldn't have make them go out today. I shouldn't have authorize them to sack the supposed abandoned camp. Maybe that, in the end, I shouldn't have been in charge at all in the first place. Maybe they shouldn't have put their trust in me. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve it any longer, in any case. I'm not sure about anything anymore.