Sick as Secrets

Chapter 6-Whose Life Is This

I suddenly felt really embarrassed and a feeling of shame washed over me like a wave. I jumped up and almost fell and he caught me..again.

"Whoa! You drank a lot. Take it easy.", he said to me with a soft tone.

"I need to go to bed. I can't...do this.", I said to him. 

"Let me help you...you can hardly walk.", he said taking my arm. I yanked my arm away and felt onto the concrete. I hit my elbow on the stone floor and felt a surge of pain up my arm like I had never felt before. I just sat there, curled up on my knees. Feeling humiliated and scared and alive and wanting to be in arms again, which only made me feel more ashamed.

"Gabe, let me help you.", he said kneeling down to eye level. He looked at me and his eyes were sincere. His gaze was soft, and I thought back to the feeling of when I knew I was safe with him.

He picked me up by the arm and led me downstairs. We got to the apartment door and he peeked in. No one was there. The apartment was dark except for a kitchen light and nodded, as if to say the coast was clear.

I started to walk inside and I was holding my elbow. It was throbbing and part of my frustration was out of pain.

I stumbled again, and he caught me. He was always right there, to make sure I didn't fall.

"Hey...whoa.", he whispered. "Okay, walking isn't gonna work. Put your arms around me.", he said as he bent down towards me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he scooped me up into his arms as if I was a flower and he was holding me so lightly, as if not to break a single petal. I had my face in his chest again. I could feel his heart beating and hear his breathing. He carried me to my room with no struggle and closed the door behind him with his foot. He brought me to the bathroom and set me on the counter. "Now, let's look at that arm.", he said as he gently started to inspect my elbow.

I was bleeding. Blood was dripping down onto pants and it was all over my hands. I didn't notice at first, but I got red handprints on his shirt.

"This isn't good. You really need stitches, but I think I can fix it enough, so it will heal without popping open again." He said to me as he looked at it like a scientist inspecting a slide.

I couldn't speak. My eyes were on fire and my hair was all over my face. I felt stupid and foolish and nauseous and I just wanted to crawl into bed and never come out again. He was looking in the medicine cabinet and under the sink. Pulling out a small first aid kit that I had no idea was even in there. Steve was always overly cautious which was a bit endearing. I came to find out there were Band-Aids in every drawer of the house and little first aid kits under every sink.

"Okay, this might hurt a little.", Bucky said to me in a hushed tone. He lifted my arm and started cleaning it. I didn't even feel the sting of the rubbing alcohol. I was focused on his eyebrows. He had a little scar over his right eye and it was hardly noticeable, but I saw it and I wanted to know it's story.

Just then I felt a tinge of pain and yanked my elbow away. "Shit, sorry, you okay?", he asked me looking into my eyes. His eyes were even bluer than I saw when I first met him, and he was biting his bottom lip. All I could think of is biting it for him.

I just nodded my head yes and gave him my arm again.

He finished up bandaging my elbow and then went to the kitchen to get ice. He wrapped up the ice in a towel in a little towel burrito of knots and then before I could even think twice, he scooped me up again and carried me to my bed.

"You got blood all over your shirt and pants. Do you wanna change?", he said to me. I started to cry, and I nodded yes. "Hey, hey, hey. You're okay. You just had too much to drink. You hurt yourself. It was a rough night. Don't cry.", he said to me brushing my hair behind my ear. He held the ice against my elbow. "Hold this here, I'll get you clothes."

I held the ice against my arm and laid down on the bed. I watched him leave the room and come back with clothes in his hands...I felt dizzy and my eyes couldn't adjust to what I was doing. "Here, I didn't think you would want to get any of your clothes bloody just in case your elbow doesn't stop bleeding, you can wear some of my sweat pants and a shirt. I don't mind if blood gets on them...change and I'll bring you some tea." He said to me, handing me his clothes.

He walked out and I could hear him making tea, placing the kettle on the stove and opening a box of tea.

I was in the twilight zone I thought. I felt like I was in a corny, romance novel or something. These things didn't happen in real life. A tall, dark stranger rescuing me from injury and taking care of me. What the fuck is happening? Whose life am I living?

I managed to get my pants off and slip his sweatpants on. They were so big that I had to tie the drawstring as tight as it would go, he was big, but muscular big and even though I wasn't skinny, two of me could fit into his pants. I tried to take my shirt off and put his tee shirt on and I got tangled in the shirt. I couldn't find my way to the neck hole and started to get frustrated. Soon I found myself half out of my own shirt and half into his shirt. I collapsed onto the bed in frustration and started to cry again, holding my elbow. The pain was I was feeling in my arm made my arm feel like it was a thousand pounds and someone was hitting it with a hammer. I was gritting my teeth at my embarrassment and the pain surging through my arm.

"Hey...what happened?", he said as he set the tea cup down on my night table. He chuckled a bit and I started to laugh and cry at the same time. "I got lost in the shirts.", I said, still crying.

"It's okay. Let me help you.", He took his shirt off me and slipped mine up off over my head. I was sitting there in just a bra and his huge sweat pants. I looked up at him and he noticed the scars. I was too tired to cover myself and he touched one on my shoulder. He followed the scar with his fingertip and a look of sadness came over his face. He tenderly raised my arms up and slipped his tee shirt over my head and pulled it down over my body. He glanced at my elbow again.

"Okay, lay back. Let's get that ice on your elbow. It's gonna hurt like hell tomorrow and the ice will help with swelling.", he said as he puffed up my pillow behind me. He put my arm up on a stuffed animal cat I had on the bed and then handed me the hot tea.

"I hope you like chamomile.", he said to me with a slight smile. Chamomile was my favorite and I was touched he chose that.

I sipped the tea and he just sat there.

"I'm okay...I'm so sorry. You must think I'm such an idiot. A drunk, sloppy idiot." I said to him feeling so foolish.

"No...no I don't. You weren't having a good night...you just drank a bit too much. I shouldn't have brought you more beer.", he said to me with an apologetic expression.

I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault, but my eyes were so heavy and my thinking was foggy. I felt like I was in a dream, this time a good one, and I wanted him to stay, but I wasn't going to ask him to.

He took the cup from me and helped me lay down in bed, he pulled the comforter up over me and tucked me in tight.

"Try to get some sleep.", he said to me leaning over me.... I grabbed his hand as he started to get up. "Bucky?.... thank you", I said to him. It's all I could muster saying and I needed to touch him one last time.

He leaned over me and kissed my forehead. I didn't even hear him leave the room. Before I could process it, I was dreaming again. This time of him and it wasn't scary...I wasn't sinking, I was flying.