Can We Walk Together? (Peterick au)

Chapter 22

TW: self harm and suicide!

*Patrick's POV*

Pete's not doing well and Patrick doesn't know what to do anymore. Pete hasn't been doing well for a long time now. But the past weeks, months even, he got so much worse and so fast too. The festival is already seven months ago. They've had great moments and terrible ones, sometimes during the same day even. Pete's so broken, a complete emotional mess. He has days where he can be his old, teasing, laughing self, but the smallest thing can tick him off and he'll be screaming, crying or do nothing at all. He'd just stare ahead, lost in his own loud thoughts. It breaks Patrick's heart to witness. Seeing someone you love, so utterly broken is terrible. Knowing you can't do much to help is probably even worse because it makes you feel like a useless fuck. The days in which Pete feels like himself also get fewer and fewer. He's afraid that there will be a time where he has none of those at all. Joe keeps telling him that he'll be alright, as long as they're here for him. Patrick wants to believe him, but he's always so worried. More than once does he notice that Pete forgets to take his medication and he's been called several times by miss Camper, Pete's psychologist, to ask for Pete who apparently didn't go to another session of theirs. Pete doesn't do much these days. He barely leaves the house, he barely works and it's been over a month since they did something sexual. Not that Patrick gives a shit about the latter. Well he kinda did, but that's the least of his worries. He knows that Pete still loves him. He doesn't really show it that often anymore, but he says it at the most random moments and Patrick can see it in his eyes, who display a broken soul, that he means it. Patrick however gives Pete all the love he can give. He constantly tells him how much he loves him, hugs him, kisses him or simply holds him. He strokes Pete's hair, arm, back, anything really, just so he knows that he's here. That he loves him and that he'll never ever leave the broken boy. He sighs before walking in Pete's room. It's already past noon and Pete's still sleeping which indicates that he's had another sleepless night. Patrick softly sits down on the edge of the bed. He strokes a few strands of hair out of the beautiful boy's face. Pete's eyes flutter open at the touch. Patrick smiles as their eyes lock. Soft, almond brown ones looking in his blue/green ones. Another thing that happened in those seven months was his, hopefully, final surgery. He's gotten a fake lens to get rid of the cataract, the oil is out of his eye and his retina seems to finally stay in place. There's still the risk that it'll come loose again. Whether because of scar tissue ripping it down or just randomly, the danger will always be there. The professor also tried to fix his pupil as good as possible. He sew a lace around it and pulled it more close to say it very simplistic. It's not specifically a circle like it used to be, it kinda looks like the shape of Belgium, but at least it's not that huge anymore. A side effect of his pupil being so large for so long is that the color of his iris changed. Causing him to now have one blue and one green eye. It's weird and he doesn't know what to think of it. Most people seem to like it though, saying he's special and all. The thing is that he doesn't want to be special. He doesn't want people to stare at him. He wants to be normal. He just wants to be Patrick Stump, music fanatic and eternal lover of the great Pete Wentz. "Morning, sleepy head." He softly says, still stroking Pete's raven hair. Pete smiles up at him and Patrick's heart flutters with hope. Maybe this will be a good day. He bents down and gives Pete a kiss. He planned on it to be just a casual peck, but Pete leaned into it and they deepened the kiss. Patrick feels like his luck can't run out, it's been over a week since they shared a passionate kiss like this. He goes really slow, scared that if he'd be too rough, Pete will crawl back in his shell. Eventually they do have to pull back to catch their breath and Patrick curses the fact that he even needs to breath. He wants to crawl closer to Pete, curl up to him under the covers and just enjoy how their bodies seem to fit perfectly. Pete hisses and pulls his arm back when Patrick accidentally brushes it with his own. He raises his eyebrow, he didn't do anything to earn such a reaction. A bad feeling takes over and he lifts the covers for the first time. Pete tries to hide his arm, but Patrick already noticed the blood on his pajama sleeve. "Oh, Petey, please don't tell me that you did what I think you did." He whispers, a pang of disappointment going through him. Pete doesn't answer him. He doesn't even look up at him. He just sits up, arms over his knees as he stares at a point a feet in front of him on the bed. Patrick makes a move to grab Pete's arm, he needs to see it, really see it. Pete yanks his arm away, but Patrick gets a hold of it anyway. Pete struggles in silence, clearly not wanting him to see it, but Patrick straddles his lap and looks him straight in the eyes as he still holds Pete's arm. Not too hard, so he doesn't hurt him. "Let me see, Pete." He orders. Pete softly shakes his head and Patrick sighs. "Please, baby. You can show me. I won't get mad, I promise. Can I roll your sleeve up to see?" He asks more softly then. Pete's silent for a while and Patrick's about to give up and just pull his sleeve up when Pete softly nods. "Thank you, baby." He softly smiles. He doesn't get an answer and his smile quickly falters. He rolls the pajama sleeve up, gently because it was slightly cooked in the wound. Pete hisses when Patrick carefully pulls the fabric out, but he quickly looks to the side, to the plain wall, when Patrick rolls his sleeve fully up. A gasp escapes his mouth and tears start beaming in his eyes, though he won't let them slip. Pete's entire arm is full of cuts. Old, new, big, short, deep, superficial. Patrick closes his eyes when he trails his fingers over the scars. He stands up and sees how Pete looks scared at him. "I'm just taking the first aid kit to clean that cut." He assures the boy, squeezing his hand before letting go and leaving the room again. Joe's not home, he'll have to deal with this all on his own. He takes the first aid kit from the kitchen and leans against the counter for a while, letting his head hang as his knuckles turn white from clinging to the counter so harshly. He has to stay strong, stay calm. For Pete. He washes his face and drinks half a glass of water before he returns to Pete's room. The boy's eyes flicker up at him, a faint smile playing with his lips. It makes Patrick sad and happy at the same time. "This is going to sting a bit." He warns when he sprays the disinfectant on his arm. He sits crisscrossed legged in front of Pete who hisses again. Patrick takes care of his wounds as best as he can, even go as far as wrapping bandages over it so it stays clean and so Pete can't scratch them open. "I'm sorry." Pete says, voice cracking because it's the first thing he's said since he woke up. Patrick shakes his head. "Why are you saying sorry?" He asks, not looking up. Pete bites his lip and shrugs. Patrick places a kiss on his hand. "Do you have anymore?" He softly asks, trying to catch Pete's gaze, but he's stubbornly avoiding his. Another moment of silence before Pete softly pulls down his pants and boxers. Revealing mainly older scars on his hipbone and thigh. Patrick's lip starts quivering so he bites on it to make it stop. He will not cry in front of him. "Why, Petey?" Is all he can get out of his mouth. Pete shrugs and shakes his head. "I-it's nothing." He tries to assure Patrick, but that only sets him off. He snaps his head back up to look at his face. "Nothing? You call this nothing?" He unintentionally raises his voice. It just feels like a slap to his face that he never noticed, looking at all the scars, this has been going on for weeks now. And he not once noticed. Pete shies away, shuffling closer to the wall at his outburst. He sees Pete's lip quiver as well now, tears making his eyes look glassy. Patrick realizes he's afraid he's going to leave him. He resembles a kicked puppy. He sighs, closing the first aid kit and putting it on the night stand before turning to Pete again. "I'm sorry, baby. I shouldn't have raised my voice. I promised I wouldn't get mad. I'm sorry, Petey." He softly says, trying to sooth the boy. "It's okay." Pete murmurs with another shrug. Patrick shakes his head. "No, it's not okay. I shouldn't have done that. I'm just really worried, Petey. I don't like to see you hurt." He replies. Pete flashes him an apologetic smile. "Don't worry about me. You shouldn't worry about me." He says. Patrick lets out a humorless chuckle. "How can I not worry, babe? Miss Camper called multiple times because you don't go to your sessions anymore." He sighs. "She shouldn't have called you." Pete murmurs under his breath. Patrick decides to ignore it. "I see how you forget to take your pills and now this." He gestures at the cuts. "It's not a big deal, don't put your energy in worrying over me." Pete replies, his voice finally louder than a whisper. "I can't help it, Petey, I love you too much to not worry." Patrick says in all honesty, trying to make him see that. "I said, stop worrying about me!" Pete practically yells. Patrick's not even startled, he's used to it by now if he's being honest. The mood swings aren't new. He sighs and looks down. Instead of leaving like he used to do when Pete yelled at him, he shifts a little and pulls Pete on his lap. Which is easier said than done since Pete's slightly bigger than him and not really cooperating. Pete's sitting sideways on his lap, head resting against his chest as Patrick rests one hand on his leg and makes soothing circles on his back with the other. "Talk to me, Petey. You can tell me everything and anything. You know that. Please." He pleads. Pete remains silent, not looking up as he plays with Patrick's fingers on his leg. Patrick's just about to say something else, not really knowing what, when Pete finally speaks up. "I don't know what to say." He starts. Patrick wants to tell him that it's okay, that he can say whatever he wants, but Pete's faster. "I don't know what's happening. Well, I do know, kinda, I'm relapsing. But I don't know why. I was fine for so long and my life is pretty great especially now you're in it." He looks at Patrick for a second before looking down again. Patrick grabs his hand and draws circles with his thumb on it. Once again assuring him that he's not going anywhere without using his words. Pete sighs "But I just... I don't know. It seems like the times I felt fine are so long ago that they're merely a distant memory or maybe even just a dream or something. I know I've been happy before, but I can't remember what that feels like." He falls silent again. Patrick hugs him closer to himself, resting his chin on Pete's head. He's not sure how long he can hold his tears back if Pete keeps saying things like this. "This helps though." Pete says, meaning Patrick's hugs. Or at least he hopes that's what he means. "I just- it's eating at me from the inside out. It's consuming my every thought and I can't fight it anymore. It's like I'm standing on that bridge all over again." A sob finally escaping Pete's mouth and Patrick almost crushes him with arms, trying to hold the boy as close and as tight as possible. He has no idea what Pete's talking about. He doesn't even know whether he means a real bridge or a metaphorical one. He just knows that Pete needs him to hold on to. "It's okay, Petey. We can get through this. We'll defeat this monster. You're not alone. You'll never be alone." He shushes, softly rocking back and forth as Pete clutches at his shirts and heart shattering sobs escape his lips. Patrick can feel how his shirt's getting all wet, but he literally can't care any less about that. He doesn't know how long they sat there like that in the dimmed room. Pete sobbing uncontrollably, letting his emotions get the best of him while Patrick rocks back and forth. Finally softly crying too. After a while, Pete's sobbing stops and he falls silent again. Patrick brushes some raven black hair to the side so he can see Pete's face better. Pete's hiding his face in the crook of his neck. "Petey?" Nothing. "Petey, baby, can you look up at me, please?" Again nothing happens at first, but Patrick's learned to be patient the last few months. Eventually Pete slowly sits more up like he hoped he would. He wipes his nose and face with his sleeves, softly sniffling. He looks at Patrick's chin rather than his eyes, but it's something. "Petey, baby, I need you to know that I love you. To Pluto and back and if you don't count Pluto as a planet than I love you to Neptune and back, twice." He tells him in a soft, but serious voice. A small smile appears on Pete's lips and he lifts his gaze up to meet Patrick's eyes. Patrick's hearts skips a beat like it always does when he looks in them. Whether they show him a happy or a broken Pete, it's still Pete and he can't ever stop loving those eyes. "Please. Please, promise me that you'll go to your next session with miss Camper. That you'll take your pills again and that you'll try to stop hurting yourself?" He asks him begging. Pete looks down again, biting his lip before softly nodding. Patrick pulls him in another bone crushing hug. "I love you so, so much. I'm so incredibly proud of you." He tells him. Pete looks up again, a confused frown on his forehead. "Why?" He asks him. Patrick gives him a kiss on his forehead. "Because you're the strongest person I've ever met." He says truthfully. Pete scoffs and rolls his eyes. "You are! You've been fighting for so long and you're willing to fight for much longer, because I asked you to." Patrick continues. Pete looks away again, a tear rolling down his cheek as he munches down on his lip. Patrick takes his face in his hands, wiping the tear away with his left thumb and brushes his lip with his right so Pete stops biting it. He then softly kisses the boy's perfect, soft, pink lips before looking up in his eyes again. "I love you Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz the third." He says with a small smile. Pete softly chuckles, a genuine one, when he hears Patrick use his full name. "I love you too Patrick Martin Stumph." He softly says and their lips collide again in a kiss filled with passion and love and trust. Patrick then leaves him alone to make Pete breakfast. Scrambled eggs, bacon and toast. He also pours him a huge coffee to swallow it all down with. Pete eats the breakfast, takes his pills and occasionally cracks a smile. Patrick sees this as progress and is determined to make this day as great as possible. "I was wondering, since the sun finally started shining again, would you maybe want to go to the park with me?" He tries, hoping Pete will say yes, but also making sure he's not hoping too much so he won't have to hide his disappointment. To his surprise Pete actually agrees after a few seconds of thinking and they get ready. Patrick as excited as a five year old who's going to the toy store. Pete grabs Patrick's jacket and puts it on. "Such a gentleman." Patrick smirks. Pete breaths out a laugh. "Hardly." He rejects. Patrick ignores it and gives him his jacket as well. It's only the end of march so it's still chill outside. Sun or no sun. A few minutes later and they're strolling through the huge, familiar park. They used to come here a lot during summer and even a few times when snow fell and covered everything in a beautiful white carpet. Pete's holding Patrick's hand. He zones out a lot, just staring at the ground or at a point ahead of them, but Patrick doesn't mind. Because at least he went outside, which is a huge achievements for Pete these days. "Look!" Patrick points and Pete follows his finger, a smile creeping on his face  when he notices the squirrel too. It's sitting on a little bench not far from them, casually eating a nut. Patrick wants to go to it, but Pete pulls him back. "I don't think that's a smart idea. Don't you remember how Josh got attacked by one?" He questions. Patrick laughs at the memory. It's funny now, okay it was funny back then too, but the squirrel really bit him hard in the soft skin between his thumb and index finger and it bled a lot. "Who knows, maybe it's the same one." Pete adds with a soft chuckle and Patrick giggles. "You're probably right." He admits and they walk past the squirrel. "I'm always right." He chuckles. Patrick looks surprised to hear Pete make a sassy remark. Pete looks down smiling and Patrick smiles too. They walk around for quite a while, even going as far as going to the waterfall. "Are you hungry?" Pete asks when he sees a hotdog stand. Patrick lets his hand rest on his belly. "Yeah, I could eat something." He says. Pete smiles and god does it feel good to see Pete smile so often again. "Wait here." He says as he goes to buy them each a hotdog. Patrick sits down on a nearby bench, watching children play while their worried moms warn them they'll trip and hurt themselves. They don't listen and keep running around without a care in the world. Sometimes Patrick wishes he was still a kid, but then he remembers how mean kids are and how long it took him to be happy with himself and is glad he's the age he is today. Pete comes back with the hotdogs and... "A rose?" Patrick takes the flower confused. Pete starts blushing furiously. "Y-yeah, the man also sells those and magazines. Pete says, looking down. "I-uh, it reminded me of our little trip to the beach." He explains. Patrick practically beams. "I love it." He says, standing up and kissing Pete on his lips briefly. "I love you." He adds. They sit back down. "I love you too, Patrick. So, so much, don't ever forget that. Please, don't forget that." Pete tells him. Patrick frowns a little but he nods. "I won't, I know you love me, Petey. I won't forget." He replies reassuringly.