Can We Walk Together? (Peterick au)

Chapter 16

*Pete's POV*

Pete's standing over his luggage. Deciding what clothes he'll wear tonight and what he'll save for tomorrow. He honestly doesn't really care what he'll wear, he might as well keep this shirt and hoodie on. Who cares, right? He eventually goes for a grey and a black shirt and some jeans. He closes his luggage again. It's already their last night here and when they found a flyer about a party nearby, they all decided to go. He was excited as well, but now that he actually has to go, he's more passive about it all. He'd rather stay here, maybe watch a movie with Patrick. "Are you almost ready, Petey?" Patrick comes walking into the room with a dark blue button up shirt and a pair of beige pants. A black fedora on his head and his black glasses on his nose. Pete can't help but smile at his beautiful boy. "Yeah, grey or black?" He asks holding up both shirts. "Black for tonight." Patrick replies and Pete changes his shirt. They're sitting in the van, Andy is driving since he never drinks any alcoholic beverages. "I think this is it." He says. They're about a twinty minute walk away from their beach house. They all get out as Andy already parked the van. Pete crawls out last, he looks around and sees a giant white tent with a lot of people in and around it, the beat of the music vibrating from it. "That must be it." Patrick says with a wide smile. Pete looks down at him and forces himself to smile, pretend he's excited as well. Luckily Patrick's not paying a lot of attention to him and he falls for his poor acting. They pay entrance and go inside. "I'm going to get a drink, anyone else?" He asks and immediately goes to the bar without waiting for an answer. He just needs a little boost, something to take the sharp edges off so he can enjoy himself and make sure Patrick has a great time as well.

He already consumed three vodka shots when Patrick finds him. "Are you okay, Petey?" He frowns as the man behind the bar gives him another shot. "Yeah, just taking the edge off, you know I can get nervous around a lot of people." He smiles, already feeling the alcohol get to his head. Good. "Okay..." Patrick watches as he takes his fourth shot. "Let's dance." Pete says with a smile, he takes Patrick's hand and navigates them to the dance floor. Patrick looks at him as if he's trying to figure him out. Pete smiles and swirls him around with one hand. Patrick finally smiles again after that and Pete grabs him by the hipbones, swaying them left and right on the music. He's finally able to push that godawful voice to the background as he dances with his boy, already slightly intoxicated. Patrick smiles again as well now, going along with Pete's movements. Neither of them are great dancers, but he knows how much Patrick likes it. After a few dances, they're both tired and thirsty. Patrick goes to Brendon and Ryan who're taking a break from dancing as well, while Pete goes to the bar to get them something to drink. "Another four shots and a beer please." The bar man eyes him for a second but gives him what he asks for. He downs the shots one after the other, shaking his head as the liquid burns in his throat. "And another beer please." The man gives him another beer and Pete goes back to Patrick with a pint in each hand. He sits down next to Patrick and hands him his beer. He then motions Patrick to sit on his lap and Patrick does as he asks. All four of them sitting in silence next to one another. The music is too loud and the people are too noisy for them to properly talk so they just watch other people dance. When Pete's bottle is almost empty Brendon jumps up. The DJ changed the music and Brendon pulls on Ryan's arm. Claiming this is his song and they should dance. "Every song is your song." Ryan mumbles, but follows his boyfriend nonetheless. A fond smile spreading on his features as the raven haired boy practically drags him towards the dance floor. Pete finishes his drink and puts it down next to him. "Turn around, love." He whispers in Patrick's ear. He sees how Patrick starts blushing at the pet name, but turns around anyway, straddling his lap. "People are staring, Petey." He mumbles softly, holding his hands on Pete's neck clumsily because of the bottle still in one of them. Pete takes the bottle, downs the liquid and puts the bottle down next to the other one. "People are always staring, baby. It's because you're so pretty to look at." He grins and Patrick blushes again with a small smile playing around his lips. "C'mere." He whispers and Patrick leans closer so Pete can give him a peck on the lips. He wants to fully kiss his boy, perhaps even grind their hips together to heat things up, but he's not drunk enough to forget that Patrick can get uncomfortable with showing too much affection out in the open. "Let's dance again." Patrick pleads as he smiles hopefully down at him and Pete knows he can't deny him anything. "Whatever you want, baby." He smiles and stands up with Patrick still straddled around him like a koala. "Petey! Put me down." Patrick laughs slapping him softly on the back. "Hmm, don't think so. I like my little koala Patrick." Pete smiles until they're in the middle of the dance floor. Patrick's hiding his face in the crook of his neck so Pete eventually puts him down again. He looks down at his boy with his black glasses and fedora. He's so special. He grabs Patrick's waist again and they start dancing trying to adjust their movements on the beat, but failing miserably. Pete turns Patrick around so they're swaying with his back against his chest and their arms crossed in front Patrick. He then turns him around again and they let it all go. "I really need to take a piss." Pete says after a while and Patrick nods. "It's from all that alcohol, your breath smells terrible." He laughs, giving him a peck on the lips anyway. Pete smiles and walks outside where the toilets are, the cool air hitting him in the face. It slightly sobers him up and he doesn't like it. His dark thoughts coming back now that he's alone without any distractions. He waits in line and takes a piss before quickly going back inside. He scans the tent with a wide smile, waiting for his eyes to lock with that angelic face of his boyfriend. Eventually he sees him at the bar, a man talking to him. Pete can already see from here that Patrick's uncomfortable so he quickly rushes over to him. He hears how the man is practically swinging himself at his boy and how Patrick tries to push him away. He quickly stands beside him and looks the other man straight in the eyes. "Look, mister. If my boy tells you to fuck off, you should listen." He swings his arm around Patrick to show he's his. "Aw, you can't keep such diamond all for yourself, man." He looks at Pete. "The things I can do with an innocent boy like that." The man adds, having the guts to smirk down at Patrick who gulps and takes a small step back. Pete sees this and steps forward to stand in front of him, pushing Patrick behind him. He looks the man in the eyes and taps him harshly in the chest with his index finger. "You better back off." He hisses. The man flashes him a wolfish grin. "Or what?" He asks smug. Pete feels himself start boiling. What an asshole! "Or I might do something I'll regret later." He mutters between clenched teeth. He then turns around to Patrick, ready to leave. "I bet he's a screamer." The man calls after them. Pete freezes. "Petey, let's just go." Patrick begs him with a soft voice, tugging on his arm slightly. Pete ignores him and turns back around to the man who's still grinning at them. That's it. Anger fogs his mind and the alcohol silences the voices that wants to reason and gives the unreasonable voices a microphone in his head. He throws his fist at the man's face, hitting him square on the jaw. The man crumbles down and Pete wants to punch him again, but someone grabs his arm. He turns around ready to fight the next person and is met with Patrick's shocked eyes. He freezes and looks back over his shoulder at the man who's slowly scrambling  back on his feet. He looks back at Patrick and sees that his eyes are now displaying disappointment and anger. "I-, He-" Pete starts but Patrick holds up his hand to shush him. "I don't want to hear it, I'm going." He lets go of Pete's arm and turns around. Pete stays in place for a few seconds, trying to comprehend what just happened. When he sees how Patrick walks into the crowd towards the exit, he jumps back in action. Running after him, not caring who he shoves aside. "Babe, wait!" Pete yells, guilt washing over him as he follows Patrick outside. Patrick however ignores him completely and walks faster as he types something on his phone. Pete eventually catches up with him, they're already outside on the beach. "Where are you going?" He calls. Patrick scoffs, but doesn't look at him as he answers. "Home." He keeps walking. Pete frowns. "But the others..." He starts. "I don't want to wait for them, I'm going on foot." Patrick interrupts as he walks along the shore, knowing he'll eventually find their beach house this way. Pete keeps silently walking a few feet behind him for the next few minutes, but he eventually can't handle the silent treatment anymore. He puts his hand on Patrick's shoulder and Patrick jumps back as if he just got burned. "Don't you touch me!" He yells and Pete pulls his hand back, startled. Patrick has never yelled at him before. "How could you, Pete?!" Pete frowns. "H-he said all those awful things-" He starts stuttering. "You could've just walked away like I asked you to!" Patrick interrupts. He turns away again, leaving Pete behind. Pete starts boiling again. For fuck sake, he didn't do anything wrong. That asshole had it coming! "I can't help it that I wanted to protect you! That's my job!" He yells after the boy. Patrick turns around with a mock princes bow. "Well, thank you. You did your job, you can go now." He says bitterly and turns back around to walk further away. Pete jogs after him and turns him around roughly, his hands on Patrick's shoulders so he can't run again. "I'm not going anywhere!" He yells. Patrick tries to get out of his grip but fails. "Y-you're hurting me." He mumbles with a frown, but Pete doesn't loosen his grip. He's just so damn mad! At everything and everyone. "Petey!" Patrick says with a stern voice, though Pete could hear a crack in his voice. He looks down in Patrick's eyes and sees he's scared of him. Pete's own eyes widens and he lets Patrick go as if someone just gave him an electric shock. "I-, I-" He tries to find words that can justify what he's done, but there aren't any words nor excuses for his behavior. He scared and hurt the one person he promised himself he'd never ever harm. Patrick turns around as soon as he's free. He doesn't walk away, but stays in place this time. His back facing Pete. Pete knows Patrick well enough to know he's trying to hold back tears, but doesn't want to face Pete in case any slip past anyway. "P-Patrick?" He softly asks. "No, leave me alone." Patrick answers harshly, a sob escaping his lips. "Fuck." He mumbles angry at himself, though Pete could hear it as well. He steps closer. It feels as if someone just stabbed him in the chest, knowing he's the reason why Patrick is crying. "Baby?" He asks again. But Patrick shakes his head and Pete feels tears stinging behind his eyes now as well. "I-I'm so sorry." He breaths out, though Patrick doesn't react. Tears are streaming down his face now. He messed up. He messed up big time. His heart is completely shattered and his mind is still tormenting him. He pulls at his hair, why won't it ever stop?! Pete closes his eyes tightly. He clenches his jaws shut, an overwhelming feeling washing over him and he doesn't know how to stop it. He wants to run, he wants to scream, he wants to fall down on the ground and never get up again. He just wants to die already and be over with it. The only thing he does is hurt the people he loves anyway. "I-I understand if you want t-to leave me." He sobs between clenched teeth, surprised he even managed to form any words and actually say them aloud. He doesn't open his eyes, he doesn't stop pulling his hair. Patrick's probably long gone already. Pete starts falling on the ground, his knees turning weak. Two arms grab him and his head bumps into a soft chest. They both slide down in the sand, not saying a word. He still doesn't open his eyes nor does he stop pulling his hair. He can't do that, because if he does stop, if he loses his grip, if he doesn't have that anymore, well, then he's lost. He can't see Patrick, but feels his familiar arms around him and hears the soft shushing noises coming from his mouth. They're both sitting on their knees next to each other, facing opposite directions. Patrick holds Pete close to his chest and Pete can hear his heartbeat. He tries to focus on the steady beating of the purest heart in existence in an attempt to calm down. Sobs keep escaping his lips, making it hard for him to breath normally. He either doesn't breath, trying to stifles them, or he breathes way too fast. He starts pulling his hair harsher until soft but strong fingers start prying his fingers lose. The soft fingers take their place. Instead of pulling at his hair, they give him soft and assuring strokes. Pete, still needing to hold on to something, clutches on to Patrick's shirt for dear life now. He smells in the familiar scent of his boyfriend as he inhales deep, in another attempt to calm down. The hand on his head lowers to his back and draws soothing circles there. Patrick rests his chin on his head now. "I'm not leaving you, Petey. I promised, remember?" He shushes and Pete can feel the vibrating of his voice from holding his ear against Patrick's chest. Those words hit him hard again, because it shows once more how selfless and loyal Patrick really is and how he hurt that beautiful person. Pete's still crying uncontrollably but manages to get some words out. He doesn't know how to react to the selfless reaction from Patrick so he just goes for another apology. "I-I'm so s-sorry." He manages. He in and exhales a few times, trying to steady his breath before speaking again. "I-I d-don't understand wh-what's h-happening." He sobs and Patrick holds him even closer, stroking his hair again, hiding his face in the crook of Pete's neck now. "I-I was s-so a-angry a-and I.." He starts again, but a sob interrupts him. "I-I d-don't even k-know w-why... B-but I-I'm m-mostly a-angry a-at m-myself now." He rushes between sobs, barely understandable. He's silent for a few moments, Patrick softly rocking the both of them back and forth. Pete knows he shouldn't be afraid of people seeing them as it's already the early morning hours and their already far away from the party. There's no one else in the neighborhood now. "I-I'm s-so sorry." He sobs again. "Shht, shht, it's okay, Petey. I'm not going anywhere." Patrick shushes, his voice breaking once or twice. It hurts Pete to hear that, but the words that that broken voice says are so important for him. "J-Just don't be so stupid, ever again." Patrick adds softly.  Pete nods and after a few more minutes of silently rocking back and forth as he softly sobs, he finally starts calming down a bit. He softly opens his eyes, not looking anywhere but right in front of him. Patrick's shirt is completely ruined. There are wet stains covering his chest and neck and Pete's sure there will be wrinkles where he's been holding it tightly in his fists. Patrick looks down at him, noticing his calmer breathing and the looser grip on his shirt. "Why didn't you just tell me it's gotten worse again?" He sighs and Pete's not sure. "I-I didn't want to admit it." He answers then. "N-not even to myself." He adds ashamed and closes his eyes again. "Oh, Petey." Patrick sighs again and holds him closer, placing his hand on Pete's cheek and softly stroking his cheekbone with his thumb while he rests his chin on Pete's head again. Pete feels Patrick's warm breath in his hair and his soft lips pressing a kiss on it. "You know I love you. I could've helped." He whispers. Pete shakes his head, sniffling his nose as he sits more up for the first time, still looking down. "Y-you really couldn't have. You can't make me happy." Patrick pulls more back at that and Pete looks up at his eyes for the first time. He can see the hurt in them all over again. His mouth falls open and he scratches his head for what he could've said to hurt Patrick all over again. It then clicks that he probably misunderstood his statement so he rushes to explain himself. "You however can make me feel joy and you can make me smile and you can make me feel so good, but Patrick, baby, you can't make me happy. No one can do that for me, that's something I have to do all on my own. That's something so out of your control. I wish it wasn't, I really wish you could make me happy. Because I know for a fact that you would make me the happiest boy alive. You make me smile and laugh all the time and you make me feel so, so good and fill me up with all the joy and love there is in this world, but it's up to me and only me to make myself happy." He looks down in his lap again as he adds to himself: "I just can't seem to do that." He mumbles softly. Fresh tears are silently rolling down Patrick's face again and this time Pete wipes them away with his thumbs. Patrick sighs, holding Pete's hands in his on his face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be crying, it's just.." He closes his eyes with a frown before opening them again. "It's just so unfair." Patrick finishes and a sad laughs escapes Pete's lips. He pulls Patrick in his lap now, sideways so Patrick's head rests on his shoulder and he securely wraps his arms around his boy. They just hold each other for a while, loving each other so beautifully and painfully as they think of how unfair the world really is. Pete looks down at Patrick, they've both stopped crying but his eyes are stills red. Pete decides then and there to try his best to drown his demons. He never ever wants to hurt Patrick like this ever again. The problem however is that he's never his usual self when his depression and all the other crap take over. He barely recognizes himself in such moments and it often feels as if his demons can swim. The only things that seem to help him keep a grip on life when he's down are his music and his love for Patrick, but there's only so much they can do. Not for the first time he's sat wishing he could just be normal. It would all be so much easier. He always hates it when he falls back in this dark pit, but this time it hurts even more. Now that he has Patrick to think of as well. He can't just let himself slip away in his dark thoughts like he'd otherwise do. Joe dragging him out of his bed and making sure he's eating and taking care of himself. No, this time he'll have to wear a mask, to pretend he's okay. For Patrick. And maybe, just maybe, he'll start believing his own lie and he'll be okay again. He shuffles, changing his position a bit after staying in the same one for so long. Patrick looks up at him then. "I'm sorry for yelling at you." He whispers and Pete's heart breaks at the most selfless words anyone could say at that moment. Patrick had all the right to yell at him. Hell, he had the right to do far worse. He could've hit him or even leave him, but yet here he is, apologizing for raising his voice. He pulls the boy with the glasses closer to his chest and kisses his head. "No. I'm sorry." He mutters in Patrick's hair. His fedora falling from his head, but neither of them makes any attempt to pick it up again. They're both silent for a while. "I love you." Patrick sighs then. Pete pushes him away a bit to look him in the eyes. The emotions displayed open and bare in his light blue, grayish irises makes his heart flutter. The love radiating from him makes Pete's breath stock. "I love you too, baby. So goddamn much, you have no idea." He sighs, kissing Patrick's forehead again. "I'd die for you." He adds with a soft voice. Patrick looks up at him, scanning his eyes before he speaks up. "Would you live for me?" He asks. Pete frowns, not at all understanding that question. "What?" He asks. Patrick looks at his lap for a second, fumbling with his fingers. "It's something Tyler says a lot." He starts. "Saying you'd die for someone is easy, you know? Especially when you're not particularly fond of life anyways." He explains and Pete slowly nods for him to go on. "Y-you won't have to deal with the aftermath of it, because you'd just be gone. Whether to start a new afterlife here or up there or whatever you think or believe happens after death." He pauses for a few seconds, and Pete listens carefully as he continues again. "Saying you'd live for someone, however, is a lot harder to do. To stay around even when your entire body and mind screams for you to leave everything and everyone behind. When you see no end of the pain or whatever and dead is all you can think of to stop it. Will you still fight for me? Will you live for me?" He ends, looking up at him then. Pete's silent for a while, letting it all sink in. He doesn't know how to respond to be honest. Of course he wants to go ahead and assure Patrick that he would stay for him, but he's not sure if that's the entire truth. He feels like nothing or no one can really keep him here if or when the time comes that he's really so desperate to leave again. Yes, he'll keep fighting as best as he can for Patrick and for himself. Of course he will, but what if he loses that fight? What if he becomes too tired? What if it's not enough? Patrick interrupts his dark and stressful train of thoughts. "You don't have to answer that question right away." He says, still keeping his eyes on Pete and Pete lets out a sigh as he sees the desperation for an assuring answer in Patrick's eyes. Why can't he just lie? Why can't he just be sure and say he would stay? "I-I know you love me" Patrick adds. "and that's more than enough for now." He offers Pete a small smile and Pete knows he means it. He smiles back and wonders, for probably the millionth time since they started dating, how on earth he deserves such an amazing boyfriend? "Let's go home." He gives Patrick another kiss on the head. Patrick nods and get up off his lap. He extends his hand and Pete takes it so Patrick can help him up. They're not too far away from their beach house anymore. Patrick looks at his phone. "It's already four AM. I texted Andy that I'd go home already. They probably think we're already sleeping." He sighs as he puts his phone back in his pocket. Pete takes his hand again, thinking Patrick wants to go home and sleep to forget this night ever happened. Instead Patrick stays in place. "I-I'm not tired. You?" Patrick softly asks. Pete shakes his head. "No, not really." He sighs looking down at his feet, still holding Patrick's hand in his. "Wanna sit more hidden in the dunes?" Patrick asks, softly pulling at his arm. Pete looks up and smiles. "Yeah, that'd be nice." And so they find a spot where they're completely hidden from any potential curious eyes. They sit down next to each other, looking over the dunes at the ocean. After a while they lay down and start softly talking. About everything and nothing really. Pete softly closes hi eyes and when he looks back up, he notices it's gotten a lot brighter. It's not pitch black anymore, it's more a light gray. "Hey, babe?" He speaks up at Patrick who's searching his fedora. Pete picks it up from under one of the bushes and hands it to him. Patrick smiles up at him as he puts his hat back on. "Yeah?" He then questions. Pete smiles down at him and looks back up over the dunes then. "I think the sun is about to rise." He tells him. Patrick takes out his phone and looks at the time. "It's almost five AM, you're probably right." He says as he stands up to look as well. "Want to watch it?" Pete asks, afraid Patrick will say no. "Yeah, I'd love to." He replies. A smile spreads on Pete's face again. He takes Patrick's hand in his and they leave the dunes after making sure they haven't forgotten anything. They walk a little closer to their beach house and sit back down on the sand. Next to each other, Patrick resting his head on Pete's shoulder as Pete rests his arms on his knees. They're sitting similar like when they looked up at the stars a few nights ago. Both are looking over the ocean to where the sun will make its appearance. The sky already starting to bleach more with the second. Pink and orange mixing with the now light blue sky. They stay in a comfortable silence as they witness another beautiful miracle of mother nature. Pete smiles, feeling so much better than he did so many hours ago already. Patrick can't make him happy, but damn he sure helps.

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Mental health isn't black and white nor easy to understand. Not for the person who struggles with it nor for their environment. I just want to let y'all know that this topic will occur more and will get worse and heavier along the storyline. If anyone needs to talk or has questions you can always send them to me or leave a comment.