Refuge

Chapter 30

* Josh*

Vulnerable.,

Nobody fears love more than a person in love. It wasn't the fear of just being rejected, it was the fear that even if we both managed to make this work...how long will it take until they wake up one morning, no longer in love?

How far do you attach yourself to commitment and consistency, when one random morning you consider yourself useless because you offered all you had but it wasn't enough to keep them waking up beside you.

How do you give them love and loyalty, changing who you are as a person just to keep them around longer and hold on to that love...but you know with a world full of billions, there's always someone better then you out there they might stumble on.

Vulnerable.

So what did we really fear?
Rejection...
or the the pleasure of 'temporary' happiness?

You see the thought of her rejecting me was far less painful then the thought of losing to her another man.

I love her and I could tell her that every day. Though what did love mean coming from a murderer who had nothing to lose?
If I told her I care about her more then myself, it was like telling a fish you can live without water.
Easy said, impossible to be done, all because of what she's seen from me and what she's been through.

Having sleepless nights with bottles of alcohol to ease the painful nightmares, was much more easier then having sleepless nights because I'm either craving her touch or worried she was sleeping unhappy.

Although I fail at communicating and expressing myself, Ella would never understand that a simple sigh that escapes her lips has me shatter into a million pieces.
Is she sad?
worried?
hurt?
sick?
Why did you sigh? What do you need? How can I make you happy?

Even as simple as "I didn't get much sleep, Josh" would have me fume in anger and curse innocent mother nature, the devil, God and humans. Over exaggerating because someone as beautiful as her, missed her peaceful sleep.

Something that simple about her could trigger me.
So imagine losing her to another man...

I would continuously tell myself she deserves happiness and someone far more worthy of her. Someone who worked his ass off for the family home he bought, has no idea what drugs are, spoils her with flowers every evening...someone who doesn't take her for granted.
Then, I'd tell myself that without her I'm nothing. That if I lose her, I lose it all.

Why did I hold onto life this long?
Only because I was enjoying the pleasure that came within.

I'm holding on even longer, just for Ella.

If I lose her, life escapes from the palm of my hands.

"Josh" Lana walked into my office.

I cleared my throat and moved the empty alcohol bottle beneath my desk. I rolled into my chair, over towards the wall long window behind me.

"What is it?" I said in a forced, manly voice. Despite the fact my throat clogged to the rapid alcohol and my eyes burnt from the locked back tears.

"Can we speak?"

"If it's not important, I'm busy"

Lana sighed aloud before her footsteps were close behind.
Forcing me to face her in my desktop chair, I frowned.

"Look at me Josh" she placed either side of her hands beside me on the chair.

I looked into her eyes as my office remained dark with nothing but the full moons presence around us.

"All these years I accepted you for who you are. I raised you and even though you chose the devilish side I remained beside you. Even when I spent nights awake and worried sick while you were out, I remained beside you. Even though every day I'd share a tear of the thought maybe TODAY is the day you won't walk through the front door, I still remained beside you"

I listened.

"So believe me when I tell you that I have heard every fiddle within your sleepless nights, every burn within you after numerous bottles and every tear on your hardest days"

She took a deep breath and placed her hands on either side of my face, looking deep into my eyes.

"Your enemies failed to kill you and you came home to us every day, regardless of your gun shot wounds and pain"

A tear escaped her eyes and she gulped, keeping herself strong as she stood ahead of me with her hands against my face.

"So believe me when I say" she whispered "That one day you won't walk through that front door and come home to us...not because your enemies finally outsmart you...but because love will melt your coldest feelings, lose you amongst the blind and grow a seed of weakness within you"

She finally released all her tears "Love is going to be the bullet that kills you and the reason why, on our regular spring days, our backbone is no longer around to promise protection, love and happiness"

I didn't realise I shared a tear until her thumb ran across my face, before I grabbed bother her hands and kissed them several times.
Remaining seated as she stood ahead of me, I wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged her, that my head rested tightly against her abdomen.
"I don't know what to do anymore" I sobbed, biting my bottom lip as I never allowed anyone seeing me this way. Although I rarely shared a drop.

Lana wrapped her arms around me tightly and rubbed the back of my head.
"Love is the most complicated thing amongst us, Josh" she sighed within her sob "You fight for what you want. The only time you stop fighting is when the one you're fighting for becomes the person you're fighting. Unless she is the one you're at war with, there is still hope"

"She fears me" I whispered within our hug.

"No" Lana was quick to say, "She fears the mask you put on for a show all these years ago, only to become it and completely lose yourself beneath it"

I wiggled and leaned back as Lana's hand moved back around towards either side of my face.

"You escaped your demons and you didn't have to tell me. I see that. That's a role of love, loosening your coldest feelings. Next it will have you lost amongst the blind, making you think you can't but you can and you must. You may have discovered she's you're weakness, but soon you'll only be sure when you lose her in front of your eyes"

I just wanted my tears to stop as I already was weak enough.

"Find Josh beneath the mask you've become, and I guarantee you love will connect flowers instead of flames. She...she will be your safe haven"

Lana placed a kiss against my forehead before taking a few steps back "You either come home to us with a death scent by the bullet of love, or you come home to us with two more beating hearts" she smiled weakly.

She was already my safe haven.
The longer I was away from there, the closer I was to the angel of death.

____________________________

I got all up in my feels at 2am. Idk how I managed to put so much love and emotion within this chapter. My mind makes me write alot of crazy shit late at night ! I do miss my late night writings anywaysssss !!!!

SO

Josh is officially broken and Ella is still rising.
Whats next?

UPCOMING MAJOR PLOT TWIST IN A FEW CHAPTERS READDYYYY

Mia x