✔︎ | Part of Me (Trilogy)

36 | memento mori

36 | memento mori

When my heart skips two beats
(I am hidden deep. Fast asleep)
The sea will part, where oceans meet
Finally complete

Maggie's burial takes place three days later. The few people that stand around her casket listen to a hired preacher give the last eulogy, blessing her before she's lowered into the ground.

Axel would look stunning in the black suit he burrowed from Will, but he is so pale, and his skin lacks healthy colour. I've tried to talk to him, comfort him, but he shut himself away and turned off his phone. I know he hasn't been sleeping or eating well. He tasted like bitter coffee this morning when I placed a gentle kiss on his mouth. He smelled like smoke too. 

I saw him take a long drag behind his car before he joined me in the cemetery for his mother's funeral. I said nothing. I can't. His mom is gone, and he doesn't know how to deal with the pain. He won't let me help him either. I know it's not because he doesn't trust me, he just doesn't want to be a burden. 

We stand together in silence, listening to the preacher, but I can hardly focus on a word he's saying. I glance at Jem, standing in between Mom and Will, who hold her hands because she's tried running up to the casket twice already to shake her Mommy, screaming for her to wake up. 

Axel's eyes are watered over. Instead of taking my hand for security, he clutches tightly onto the stem of the rose he holds, the thorns pricking into his palms. Blood trickles through his fingers and drips onto the grass. The physical pain though doesn't seem to be distracting the sorrow and anger he's feeling in his heart. 

I wince when he squeezes tighter, and seeing the blood oozing out makes me fold my hand around his closed fist. His grip on the rose loosens. He doesn't look at me, but his shoulders relax a little. I stroke his hand lightly, which is all I can do right now. 

When the preacher closes his bible, he welcomes Axel to approach his mom's casket and say some last words to her, but Axel doesn't budge. I glance up at him, but he stares down at the ground, his body shaking as he tries to keep control of his grief. 

My parents and the few other friends and distant relatives that are here walk up instead, and place their roses at the end of Maggie's casket. Jem leans in and kisses her mom's forehead while in Mom's arms, and then continues to cry softly into her shoulder. Mom's sad eyes meet mine, and I know she's not only thinking about how hard this is for Axel and Jem, but what it would be like if she was the one who had passed, and how Will and I would deal with it. 

I stand by Axel while he waits for everyone to go ahead of him. And then it's his time, his last time to say goodbye. 

He finally sighs a shaky breath. I look up at him again, and this time he tilts his head over to look at me, so many emotions building up in his painful grey eyes. I glance back at our hands, his still bleeding, and unclasp one of his fingers from the stem, and then another, until it's between both of our hands, the blood smudging against my palm. 

I lead him over to the casket, where Maggie lies motionlessly, so peaceful. Axel just stares down at her pale face, but I think when he sees her, he finds a little peace too. She's no longer in pain. 

I untuck the book I've been holding under my arm and place it in Maggie's casket. "I thought you should have this," I say, glancing up at Axel to make sure it's okay, and he smiles slightly. 

Axel leans in a little, and closes his eyes as if he's saying a prayer. And then he opens them and places his rose in his mother's hands. He looks so alone, even with me here. I know he wants be, alone that is, but I don't want to leave his side. 

He sighs again. He doesn't even look at me because he's begun to shake again, and begins walking away. I watch him go, striding to the parking lot, his head down, and meet Will's eyes. He motions me over, and my vision becomes blurry with tears too when I fall into my brother's arms. 

"Hey," he whispers, petting my hair, "shh." 

I shake my head. "I have to be strong for him," I say, glancing over at Axel again, who leans against his car, smoking another cigarette as he stares off into the distance. "I can't just leave him alone, even if he wants to be."

Will nods and starts leading us up the path to the parking lot. "I don't think he really does want to be alone," Will tells me. "He just doesn't want you to see him that way. He's scared his pain is gonna hurt you too."

"Should I go with him?"

Will shrugs. "That's up to you, Avi. Will you be okay?"

I nod. 

"Call me if anything happens," he begs, my shoulders in his hands. 

I nod again, and he pinches my cheek before walking over to his pickup truck. Mom and Dad have already taken Jem home, knowing Axel wouldn't want to talk to them, or come with them. He doesn't even want to talk to me, and I swear I see a slight eye roll when I approach him by his car. 

I shake my head and hold out my hand. "Gimme your keys," I demand, "You're not driving." 

"I'm fine," he mumbles. "I want to be alone."

"I won't say anything," I tell him, "it'll be like I'm not even there."

"Then why come at all?" he turns to me, squinting. 

"I'm scared you're going to do something stupid," I mutter. 

Axel sighs. He throws his dart onto the ground and crushes it under his foot. He hands me his keys, nodding a little before getting into the passenger side. He thinks he might do something stupid too. 

"Let's go home," I whisper, and take him back to his place. 

He changes into sweats and a shirt, and gives me a pair to wear too since I'm still in my dress. Axel doesn't say anything when he meets me back out in his living room. I'm sitting on his couch, so I pat my lap, and grab a pillow for his head. 

He bites his lip sadly, and it twitches as he starts to cry again. He pulls a blanket from the back of the couch and crawls onto the sofa, resting his head in my lap, his face up against my stomach. He sobs quietly, the tears streaming freely down his face as he sniffles and his body shakes. 

I stroke his head, my hand smoothing over and through his hair, the other holding his shoulder. It takes every bit of strength in my body not to break down too. I hate seeing and hearing Axel cry. I hate that he's in pain. I hate that he had to lose his mother. She didn't deserve to die so young, and he didn't deserve it either.

But I stay strong for Axel, so that he knows he can be vulnerable around me and I will protect him, like he protects me. 

He cries into my stomach. He holds onto my waist as he curls up into me, and we stay that way for awhile until my back starts to hurt. 

I take the pillow from underneath Axel's head and put it behind my own as I lay down too, pulling Axel between my legs and placing his head against my chest. He's all sobbed out now. He breathes softly and evenly as I rub his back, and he closes his eyes. Soon, he's finally getting some rest, so I close my eyes too, and we just sleep. 

・・・

Hey,

Hope you liked the chapter, I promise it'll get happier soon.

-ADI