Shattered

Brave

I've fallen. I've fallen out of love with the man I thought I'd never stop loving and the worst part is, that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that I don't know how to tell him, I don't know why I should tell him.

Maybe unfair wasn't enough to describe me. It was just too much, my heart was growing heavier every single day that I stay with him in his flat in north london. I'm being dishonest with him when all his ever done was to be honest with me. I'm not like this, this isn't me and he knows that. I've changed and I'm not the Taylor whom he loves, I'm not the Taylor who's head over heels for him.

It was early morning and I wasn't surprised that he is already up and making breakfast. I've been awake for awhile now but I didn't wanna leave the bed, I didn't have the face to show him, not when this early in the morning I'm thinking about someone else, my heart was beating somebody elses name.

The sound of his radio was blaring across rooms, but it was faint and a bit distand inside his room, but I can still clearly hear what song was playing. It's too familiar for me to not know what it is, and how couldn't I know when I still fall asleep listening to this song, particularly his own reindition. But the one playing on the radio was Niall's version.

I was completely zoned out when the door of the room creecked open and in came Joe singing the song while looking at me in the messed up bed.

I plastered a fake smile, it was the least I can do for him.

"Good Morning baby." He smiled lying down beside me and pulling me into his chest.

I closed my eyes, I tried so hard to feel sonething, I burried myself in our old memories, in old feelings that are long gone I couldn't feel it. I know it used to be warm everytime I'm wrapped in his arms, I know I couldn't stop smiled with just the thought of me and him cuddled together, I know I used to not think of anything else besides us when he kiss me. But that's the thing I used to. And no matter how many times I try to burry myself in old memories, feeling and no matter how much I try to feel it again to feel everything all at once again I couldn't bring myself to because to be honest, to sound more unfair than I being am I don't love him anymore. And maybe somethings doesn't need fixing and do overs, maybe It should be left like that.

But sometimes my brain always gets in the way, it was always asking questions that my heart could perfectly answer but because my brain is indenial It doesn't want to believe what my heart says anymore.

For example my brain would go:

How did I know that I wasn't inlove with him any more?
How did I just fall out of love with him when just last january I was head over heels for him?

And my heart would be like:

Yeah? How did I know? I knew simply because I did love him but I wasn't inlove with him. I wasn't in so deeply inlove with him because how can I when I never fell out of love with Harry?

And that debate goes on and on and on. It doesn't end so at the end of the day It was Joe who suffers because of my dishonesty.

"I miss you."

He muttered with a kiss on the side of my head.

I tried to feel something again, something else, a spark, or just something but I didn't feel anything at all. It didn't even make my heart skip a beat. There was nothing, not a single feeling left.

He wasn't home. I don't feel home with him. But one thing I know is that home is a feeling that will never wear off, it will never fade once you found it and maybe it was just comfort and a safe hiding place that i found with him and I just mistaken that for home. It was never home, because before stupid me could ever find the comfort with him I already had it, I've found and had it for so long but stupid me was really stupid to let my home go. It was a once in a lifetime chance, with a once in a lifetime person how could I ever let that go?

How is it that when it comes to new lovers it's so easy for me to admit that I don't love them anymore, It's so easy to cut all the tie's, It's so easy to know that they are wrong. but when it comes to Harry, when it comes to an old lover I can't even admit that I don't love him anymore. I can never cut the ties with him, and he's never wrong. Why is everything so difficult when it comes to Harry? Why is it so difficult to unlove him.

"Babe," I hear the man whisper in my ear.

I didn't respond but I squeezed his hand asking him to continue and he did.

"If you ever stopped loving me," there was a painful silence, before he continued.

"Would you be brave enough to tell me?"

And after a long time of waiting to feel something, after trying so hard to feel, I finally felt something.

I felt my heart breaking into pieces. I felt myself breaking, falling apart on his arms that couldn't hold my pieces together like it used to. I felt something for him, I felt the pain of his words stab me in the chest multiple times as if it could still damage my wounded heart.

I hugged him tighter, burried my head against his chest and let all of my tears dry.

It's killing me that he knows. It's killing me that It's killing him to know that I fell out of love with him. He knows, and I should tell him. Man up and just let the words slip away just like how the wind does after it touches your skin.

But I don't think I have it in me, I don't think I could ever say it and confirm what he already knows. I don't think I can be brave enough to tell him that I don't love him anymore.