Shattered

T

Looking at him hurts. It pained me more than mere words can explain. His words were excrusiatingly painful. I never thought he'd feel like this.

You never gave us a chance. You never gave me a chance...

His voice and those words are stuck inside my head, Like a broken mixtape I never wanted to get rid off.

He's calming down, sobs are slowly dying down but the pain remains.
He tried to detached his body from me and I didn't let him I held his face and leaned my forehead on his, my thumb wiping his tears.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered and before he could say anything else I kissed him. It didn't feel different, It ignited a familiar burning passion inside of me and all I can think of right now is us. My brain can't function properly. I felt a rush of happiness

He kissed me back and just when I felt it's going deeper he pulled away so suddenly taking me by surprise.

He stared into my eyes and I did the same it was terrifying. Tears almost falling again but his thumb swept it away. His eyes were glossy and shining brighter than the city lights before us.

"You have to let me go Taylor." He whispered as if he didn't want me to hear it.

My heart skipped a beat when he said that. He never fails to always turn my world upside down. He did it once again, he changed my mind again, he's messing my thoughts again. He always has the power to make my life hell and make it the heaven I have with Joe. And He doesn't have that.

"No."

"Why? I don't understand Taylor. You found him right? You've got the guy you've been waiting for all your life. Why don't you want to let me go? Why can't you set me free? I'm so exhausted, I've been waiting for so long."

I didn't answer. I couldn't answer him. I can't even admit it to myself, the real reason why i don't wanna let him go. I don't want to admit it, not yet, not now.

"Taylor please. Set me free, tell me how to unlove you, tell me that I have to unlove you. Tell me how to move on from you. Just please end all of this, end whatever this is." He begged and my tears are falling once again.

"I can't..." i shook my head. But should I? Should I let him go?

"If you can't then tell me you love me still. Tell me I'm still the one. Tell me you never forgot your promises. By all means tell me you love me and I'll keep waiting and holding on to you. Tell me something i can hold on to and never let go of you." He said louder than before but I didn't budge. Instead I looked at him straight in the eyes

He leaned his forehead on mine and we both watched eachothers tears fall down. Like watching all the leaves fall down in fall. Like watching our world fall down infront of our feet.

He closed his eyes and I did the same before I felt his lips brush on my forehead and him rising from where he was.

His back is facing me and he is walking away. I don't want him to go, I don't want to let him go because at the moment he disappears, he'll dissapear from my life too.

I rose to my feet and hugged him from behind and he stoped on his tracks.

This isn't fair. I'm being so unfair to him again, I've caused enough damage, I've caused enough trouble to him too and even if I don't want let him go just yet, I had to. I couldn't let him wait and wait and wait for me becuase I'm not sure if I'm ready for the chance I never gave him. Here goes nothing.

"Harry."

I was answered with a sob. Just a sob.

"I- I'm letting you go."

I whispered Against his back. He freed himself from my hold and I was surprised when his lips met mine.

Our last kiss. Both our tears merging as our lips molded each other for the last time perfectly. Never in a million years I thought of this happening because it was never goodbye with him. But now I think it is.

I couldn't hold my tears back anymore. It flowed freely just like his. His kiss felt like goodbye, it was bittersweet but it's better than nothing right?

We both pulled away when we ran out of air. Were still panting, no dared talking until we our breathing went back to normal.

He reached on his pocket and handed me a neatly folded paper that slowly got soaked with his tears as he handed it to me.

"I wrote this a couple of months back, but I never got the chance to give you." He smiled despite his tears bitterly falling down.

"You must read this yeah? Don't just keep it." His smile never left his face and it's breaking my heart. It felt new, the pain in my heart did.

I nodded my head and wiped my tears away. I held his right hand for the last time until he had to go... until he had to walk away and I was there left with the lingering feeling of him slowly slipping through my fingertips and watch him disappear from my life.

No living soul in this world, other than us, would know how much I wanted to keep him forever, would know what I feel for him but as cruel as it may sound It has to be done. But even so I had someone waiting for me to go home, and it would be unfair to both of them if this continued.

Joe, of course, how could I forget? He's waiting for me, he's waiting home. But do I really need to travel far just to feel home? When I can ran after the man I've just let go and feel it right here and now?

All of this pain in my chest, felt much worse with the confusion. But why do I feel confused? I shouldn't feel confused with my feelings for Harry and Joe. I chose Joe but my heart begs to differ. It's always like this but what's new? I've never chose Harry. And now that I've let him go there is nothing I can do.

Time will tell, maybe I'll realize different things along the way, maybe I'll realize who I really want and I hope as hell that It's not yet too late when that time comes.

It's goodbye for now, but knowing how things work? I know I'll see him again soon and by that time maybe he'll be happy with her to the point that I wouldn't want to see him again.