Shattered

T

I'm losing grip. I feel so lost, It's so hard, everything is slowly going the other way around. Funny how things change when your heart gets broken. Now I understand. I understand what he meant when he just went off in Shanghai. But honestly it's more like I feeling what he felt.

I'm like a Zombie, I guess it's because my brain is still partly working while my heart and entire body has been dead for so long. I know I should never feel like this because I have a boyfriend, my significant other who's  willing to go through hell and back for me, who's love for me and my flaws are never ending. Maybe it wouldn't be him if I took the risk and gave it to the other man, the man who I will always be deeply inlove with.

I'm still inlove with Harry Styles. Funny isn't it? If maybe that thought ever crossed my mind a year ago, it sure will be funny. Hilarious as fuck. But right now I can't do anything about it. I can't unfeel that feeling while he's falling inlove with somebody else. He didn't even believe me, but I know, I always knew that there was this undying flame we lit up when we took the risk, and after all these years I've just been too afraid, I've just been great at restraining my feelings for him and If I knew better? I wouldn't have done that. I would have thrown myself at him. I would have loved him carelessly and treated him right. God, just one more chance and I'd love him forever.

Tour rehearsals are currently my thing. Just that, oh and pretending. Joe know's something was up. My heart says I need to be honest with him but my brain says no, it says that I should stick with him. So now I'm torn between the two.

I love Joe or maybe the correct term for that is loved. He was all I ever wanted at some point and now I'm back wanting the same person all over again. Never did I see myself feeling this way again back then when I met Joe, but old feelings die hard it seems. Everything was a bliss with Joe, everything in that 1 year felt right. I never even doubted it at first, it was constantly standing on solid ground and I really wanted that. But despite him being the bliss, someone I know was home. Harry was my home and I'd come back home everytime.

My heart has been wandering from places to places and now it wants to come home.

My heart is ready to come home.

But on unfortunate circumstances, my home is currently sheltering someone else. Giving her the care, protection, and love I badly needed although I wasn't as wounded as he was. My home looked so different for a long time, the foundations were weaker than before, lights were not shining so bright, all the furnitures broken, fireplace has never had fire  burning in it since I left, and it's color faded to black and white. It was left to turn cold, I left it to turn cold. And it was only now that my home finally looks the same. The colors were as vibrant as the green in his eyes, foundations stronger and the lights were blinding and it's not cold anymore. Admittedly she was the reason why, why he tried so hard to recover from the damages I caused.

She helped him on his way to become the best version of himself. She pulled him up on his feet everytime I let him down, While I could have done that instead I looked for mansions with a view I didn't even bother looking back to him. And it's so unfair that I just want to be home now after abandoning him for so long, that i just want him back now that he isn't broken. When in the first place I was given a choice if I wanted to fix him before anyone could, and that time came. Now I'm left in the cold, not wanting to go back to the mansion.

Videos went up about two or so months ago when he sang Niall's song for her in one of his gigs and after that pictures of the both of them were everywhere. I mean the way he turned down my confession for him was enough confirmation that he love her and I didn't need anything more to rub it in my face.

I couldn't believe that he posted a picture with her on his instagram. It was unbearable. They were all over the news, and here I am lying in my bed beside him wide awake while he was soumd asleep.

After the function things changed, I changed and I feel so fucking guilty because he doesn't deserve this. He was making everything work while I feel myself giving up as he tried harder. What's the point of trying harder when you know in the end it wouldn't last right? I guess he has a different belief, I guess he believed (just like Harry) that just because it wont last doesn't mean you'll stop trying, you'll stop moving every road block and just let it crush you, he'll stop showing me that I am inportant to him and I wish he did. I wish he'd stop.

I always believed that when something or someone is really meant for you no matter how many times you let it go it will always comeback, and I've been very blind to see that he's been coming back every single fucking time to me but I still insist on letting him go because I was so scared to take the risk with him but when it comes to total strangers I'd be willing to give it a shot.

I can feel it coming to an end. It's all going down to flames and I don't know if the worst part of it is that I'm falling out of love with Joe or it's that I'm still inlove with Harry Styles and I can feel my heart burning and burning everytime I realize that he's falling inlove with somebody else. I can see where this is heading and I'm preparing myself for the worst but it's so obvious that no matter how much I prepare myself for it, when that time comes I know I will not yet be ready. Not ever.

But despite that I'm hoping that Harry knows that I will forever be sorry for taking him for granted. For always rejecting his heart and feelings when I know his mirrored mine. For making him feel that i don't love him when the truth is I always did and will always do. And that I will continue to ache until I feel his grip again. Until I hear him say he loves me still.