Love You, Passion-hately

I'm not a Helpless Teenager with Raging Hormones.

Dawn, I love you.

Love. L.O.V.E. Cameron LOVES me.

I could feel the weight of four letters word and it's not something I have a great history with. Listening to it coming out of Cameron's mouth took me to the other level of anxiety. This is the level where my brain locks down and I switch to autopilot. At least, that's what I like to think.

"Dawn..why aren't you saying something?" I heard Cameron's voice. I felt like running away. This would've been better. Ten times better than what I did. I should've stayed quiet. God, I wish I'd fainted. Even that would've been better. But I opened my mouth to speak and this was the last thing he wanted to hear.

"Cameron. It's not love. Infatuation, maybe. It's a mere attraction you've been feeling. It will pass. You just need some time away. We're having vacations. You'll be good as new in two months," I stated.

Cameron's grey eyes were fixed on mine. The blue hues at the ends looked like lightning between grey clouds of storm.
A storm that was about hit our paradise.

"I can't believe you're saying this," he was hurt. Waiting for me to deny what I just said.

"Cameron...that's what it is. You are mistaking it for love," I told him and he looked hurt and baffled by my response. As if I'd just slapped him across his face. I could feel a pang in my chest, right where the heart is.

"Dawn, I'm not a helpless teenager with raging hormones. I'm a fucking adult who knows what he feels and I have feelings for you. I fucking love you damn it. So tell me that you don't love me back or you don't feel the same for me. Tell me any of those things if you must but don't you dare tell me that it's some hormonal attraction or temporary infatuation. Because I know what that feels like and what I feel for you is real," he snapped.
"Then, I don't feel the same for you," I told him.
"Alright. Have a good life, Dawn," he turned around and left.
"Cameron" I tried to stop him.
He wouldn't turn.
"Cameron," I screamed. I was crying.
He opened the door. "Cameron," I could hear the desperation in my whisper. For a moment he hesitated as he stopped dead. I thought he would turn, hold me in his arms, tell me it's okay and he's not going anywhere. The thought almost eased me but then he walked out and closed the door behind him.
I felt a pain in my chest. As if he ripped my heart from the chest and took it away with him. It was the ache of breaking heart. And I couldn't stop it even if I tried. But here's the thing. I didn't try. I deserved it. I deserved it for breaking his heart. I deserved it for being too naive. No, for being so stubborn. For not accepting what was crystal clear. I was in love with him. Truly, madly, deeply, foolishly, completely and I was scared. I was too stubborn to accept it that I let him walk away. I did this to us. I deserved every throb of this never-ending heartbreaking numbing pain that I inflicted on us. I was the culprit and this was my punishment.

**********

I made my way to the room. Every step felt like an effort to move the earth. I couldn't stop crying. The hurt on his face, his words, his departure.
I love you, Dawn

I could feel the pain almost fading but then coming back with much more hurt. Cameron wasn't a person who would toss confessions like this, lightly. Not until he was sure enough. And I, I told him that his feelings aren't real. And what do I know about love? Nothing.

********

I made my way to the airport. No, I dragged my sorry ass to the airport. Jan and Bert had already left. I gave them their Christmas presents earlier.
Christmas presents. I've been listening to the playlist Cameron made for me. There were songs that hold special meanings to us and then some of the pop songs about love. Then, there were rock songs that I heard for the first time and loved them instantly. They were about love and I could imagine Cameron listening to them and he thought about me.
I've been feeling emotions I had never felt and it makes me feel different. When I think about Cameron, a million memories flood my mind. They make me excited, happy, warm, blush, high, safe and better. But then, there are two memories that bring out the best and worst in me.
The last night.
The one when he told me that he loved me and the one when he decided to leave my apartment.

Both of them made me shiver in bones and do certain things to my heart. But the latter one felt like I've died a thousand deaths and even that's not enough to explain how I felt inside.

I decided to reach home as soon as possible. Maybe the two months would be enough. Enough for us to heal and stop feeling this way. Cuz if they aren't, I don't know how to face him.

I've tried to call him like a million times but he wouldn't pick up. I went to his apartment but he had left for good. I was tempted to go to his home but maybe he wants to stay away from me. I should at least give him that. And I don't think I'd be able to do it anyway.

So I entered the plane and flew back to San Francisco.