Love You, Passion-hately

I Can't Fall For You

I feel awful. I shouldn't have said that. Cameron didn't talk to me after our conversation. He left after the dinner and didn't even say goodbye. I spent time with Helen and Clarissa but then I left them to catch up. Betty and I talked for a while. She told me she hates Diana. 

"I hate her. Ever since I was a child she would treat me like a lesser person. I get it that elders don't like kids pestering them while they're doing grown-up stuff but I wouldn't even get to spend time with my brother. She would always try to spend every second with him and even when my brother had no problem, she would shoo me away," she said bitterly. "Betty, she liked him. Wouldn't she be wanting to spend more time with him without her little sister?" I tried to calm her. "But you spend time with me," she pointed. Because I'm not in love with your brother. I wanted to say. 

"Don't you feel bad?" she asked her. "I try to understand. Betty, I and Cameron are not like other couples. We are dating but we aren't exactly in love with each other. We are more like friends who kiss," I tried to tell her. "You're friends with benefits?" she asked. "Umm...yeah. I didn't think you knew what that means," I told her honestly. "What do you and Cameron think I am? 5 years old. I'm fucking 15 years old," she shot an eyebrow. "Yeah, you made your point by using the f-word," I told her. She laughed. "Even Angela would know the f-word," Betty laughed. 

"So you really don't feel anything about him?" she sounded a little disappointed. I was taken aback by her question but I tried to answer her question in the best way I could manage. "Cameron's a nice guy. He's my friend. And I never thought we'll become friends but I value him. But he deserves someone who actually loves him and I don't love him. And Diana, she loves him and I don't blame her because Cameron is just oblivious to the fact. And now Cameron's got me here and she might feel betrayed. She thinks he might actually care about me and that's why she's acting like that. Yes, I feel bad sometimes. I know I should tell Cameron to end this thing and give her a chance. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. Maybe, I'm just selfish," I said honestly. 

"Dawn, Cameron cares about you. And it was his decision to be with you. If he had felt something for Diana he might have done something about it by now," Betty confronted. "It's so hard to have a conscience. I wish I was the old me. The one from the high school," I said dreamily. "Would have that helped?" Betty asked in confusion. "Oh yeah. I'd been kissing Cameron on the full mouth in front of Diana just to make her feel pathetic," I told her. "Wow, you were something," she said in horror. I gave her a sad smile. 

"What made you change?" Betty asked. "I don't know. It's just the fact that I wasn't a teenager anymore. I was an adult and I have to be responsible for my actions and face consequences. It's not a good thing to be mean and play with people's emotion. I just understood the things I should've understood earlier and then I figured out I couldn't go back and make amends but I can try to start new. I'm not good Betty. But I try to be. I've made mistakes even after that but I feel sorry. I hurt Cameron. I shouldn't have done it. I was mad. And I had no right to be mad like I had no right to take it out on Cameron," I felt sad. 

"Hey, just apologize to him when he's back. He'll forgive you," Betty hugged me. I made my way to my room. It felt good to at last talk to someone. I couldn't sleep. Hours passed as I stared at the ceiling. Okay, not hours. Just a few minutes but damn it felt like hours. Half an hour later, I heard a noise. I went outside the room and made my way to the stairway. 

"Who's there?" I asked. I looked down to see a figure in dark. "Cameron?" I asked. He looked quite wasted. I rushed down the stairs and helped him up. God, he's so heavy. He smelled like alcohol. This couldn't be because of what I said to him. I helped him to the bathroom. He threw up for 10 good minutes. God, how much drunk is he?