Someday I'm Gonna Be With You (Carmilla One-Shots)

If only I could dream we could start again

Carmilla learns to deal with the consequences of other people's happiness.

Tags: Hollstein, Angst

It wasn't too bad, watching them be together. After all, she practically encouraged her. No, no scratch that. Nobody encourages Laura Hollis to do anything she hasn't already decided on doing, but she didn't expect seeing them hug and be close to each other to hurt this much. God, what she would give to switch places with the red giant.

Maybe her feelings weren't clear to her at first because, if she's for once in her life being honest, they never did come easy; but part of it also was seeing the way the cupcake's eyes lit up whenever she saw Xena duck into the dorm room Carmilla shares with Laura.

When Carmilla did finally realized her feelings for her naive roommate were more than just an extension of incessant instinct to protect defenseless girls from her mother, it was too late. She should have realized it before, when Laura talked about how she deserves better than whatever kind of life this is (Carmilla wouldn't even consider it a life), or when she was impressed at the blonde's determination to bring down the leadership of Silas, to save everyone she loves.

Watching her fall into the arms of her feels wrong, but what can she do to change it that won't make it a thousand times worse. She doesn't want to ruin anything else for Laura. So instead of getting up and ripping the beanstalk to pieces, she sits on the bed opposite Laura's with her book propped up on her knees, her eyes pretending to read words as she stares at them from the corner of her eye.

Maybe she never should have come here in the first place. There are plenty of other places to go, and Carmilla is sure that Laura would love some privacy with her girlfriend. The word is bitter, but she supposes she should get used to using it. It doesn't mean she hates the red-head any less, but at least it's a start to help her dead heart let Laura be happy.

She shouldn't feel so sorry for herself. And now she feels sorry that she feels sorry about herself. How sorry is she. How sorry could she be when Laura gets that same look of- she doesn't know what, whenever Carmilla can't hold her tongue around Clifford.

Carmilla is all about doing what's natural to her. Or at least she was before she became Laura's room mate and had to learn how to accommodate her 24/7 demand for sweets and comfort. She thinks twice before saying things, if not to spare Laura from any kind of emotional turmoil, then to make her so flustered that she spends an hour ignoring Carmilla with her face tinged red. In hindsight, maybe she should have known that Laura was going to wiggle her way into her heart. She is persistent and naive, but in the best ways, and apparently that's Carmilla's type.

She hears Laura giggle at something big red said, and curses herself for being so sappy and gross. Vampires don't do sappy and gross. Every soft trill of Laura's laughter is another twinge in her chest. She hates to admit it, but right now the only thing she wants to do is run. Far away from here, where Laura is with her, and Carmilla can't do any of the things she wishes she could. Casting another glace over at the two love-birds, she promptly shuts the book and throws it to the side, standing up and shoving a few things into her bag.

"Leaving so soon?" the red-head says in a sickeningly-sweet tone, receiving a light hit on the arm from the girl snuggled into her side. Carmilla pauses her impromptu packing and shuts her eyes for a second, but finds herself unable to come up with any witty comeback, so she just shrugs and leaves the room with one last lingering glance at Laura. She makes sure to leave the door open as her last act of defiance before she spends the next few days avoiding the source of her pain at all costs.

She figures, since all the danger is currently stagnant, with the dean dead and the angler fish for the most part destroyed, everyone deserves a few days off. She hopes Laura doesn't mind if she takes a few personal days to work out her emotions. She has Danny to protect her now