Reasons to Live | ✔

Chapter 35-

Immediately, I jumped up to click on the radio, making sure to make it loud to block out Joshua's talking of sex first thing in the morning. I did not want to hear how Joshua was in bed as I felt like I could lose all appetite for the rest of the day.

The song, "Castle on the Hill" by Ed Sheeran came on. I breathed a sigh of relief as Joshua started to hum to it almost right away.

I glanced over at Megan who seemed to still be beat red.

"You okay?" I asked awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

"I guess it's just weird talking about these kinds of things with your friends. I mean, it felt like it was the right timing and everything just seemed perfect. Is that dumb of me?"

I shook my head.

"So long as you're both happy and not regretting your action, then I don't see what's so wrong about it," I said honestly which earned Megan's smile.

"Thanks, Reina. At least I know that you're faithful and being a great friend unlike someone we both know," Megan said with a growl as she looked straight at Joshua. Joshua only laughed as he quickly found a parking in the school's parking lot.

"Only five more months of dealing with me and once we're out of here, you're going to miss me/ I mean it's already January...half of our senior year is already over," Joshua stated, turning off the radio and making sure to get his keys before stepping out.

We both followed suit.

"Speaking of that...have you all decided where you'll be applying? Did you guys apply yet for early decision?" Megan asked as she looked between me, Calvin and then Joshua.

"I'm probably going to take a gap semester," Calvin said with ease, although I knew he was probably not going to college. My heart ached for him, wishing I could do something right away but if I were to, I needed to know about Erik. I needed to make sure Calvin isn't suspicious. I knew he would want to go somewhere far if given the chance. I want to make it possible however I can.

"That seems fair. I'm hoping to apply to UC Berkeley and maybe get in," Joshua answered.

"I haven't thought about it yet," I lied smoothly, despite me knowing inside my head that I wouldn't make it to college.

I don't think I can survive.

But what if you're able to fix everything without killing yourself?

I stood still against my own voice in my head.

The same voice that called me a whore.

The same voice that told me to cut myself.

The same voice that for the past few months told me to kill myself.

Not once since the incident have I ever heard the voice speak to me in such an optimistic way.

If I were to be able to put my rapist to jail...if I were to be able to put Erik in jail...if everything were to end up where everything is well...

Then...what?

Would I live a "normal" life with the chance of my panic attacks and nightmares?

Would I be able to seek professional help?

Would it help?

"Reina?"

I blinked a few times before my attention back to those in front of me. My eyes landing on Calvin who was in front of me, looking a bit confused and worried with my lack of response.

"I'm sorry I zoned out a bit. What were you guys saying?"

All of them made a face at me as we slowly started to walk into the building of the school. I pulled the hem of my sweater again, nervous as of what they were thinking about with regards to me zoning out like that, especially Calvin.