Caspian Jones

Chapter 19: Zephrine

I round the corner to the Great Hall, ready to confront Xavier about what happened when I visited Oliver a few weeks ago. I swallow hard, gathering myself so I don't burst into tears on the spot.

"My Lady." The guards bow their heads as I stop in front of them.

"Is Xavier in there?" I ask them, trying to keep the acid in my voice away.

"Yes, my Lady."

"May I see him?"

They nod and swing the doors open.

"Zephrine!" Xavier leaps out of his seat upon seeing me. He runs to greet me. "Where- where were you? I've been so worried, and-"

I give him a glare so intense he flinches a little bit, but doesn't shrink or try to back away from me. "Shall we skip the pleasantries? I don't want to stay here with you too long."

"I said I'm sorry."

"I'm aware. But, you see, you have yet to show me that you are. So until you do, don't expect much from me." I smooth down the skirt on my dress before continuing. "Turns out, Oliver was a waste of time. He wouldn't tell me where they are."

"You went to see him?"

"Well, since you didn't give a shit, someone had to."

"Zephrine-" Xavier tries to take my hand.

"Not gonna happen." I make a point of pulling away. "Anyways, he knows, he just won't tell me anything. He says Caspian made him promise not to say if we came looking for them." I wipe away a tear that had the nerve to spill out. "But hey, it's not like I expected someone to help me here!"

"I'm doing all I can!"

"Oh, I know you are. Look at you, you're breaking a sweat with all the effort you're putting in, might want to slow down and, to put it how you did, 'stop overreacting.'" I give him a bitter smile.

"You know what, Zephrine, you don't get to push me around this way. You want to know what I've done? I've sent as many men as I could spare to every kingdom Caspian listed in his letter! I tried to stop Eetu from leaving because I knew you couldn't take another heartbreak! So yes, go on and tell me I haven't done anything! Tell me I've not done everything I can to find our sons! I know you're their mother, and I know you feel things that I never will, and I know I said something awful to you, but that does not give you the right to barge in here and say I'm not trying!" Xavier is crying now, but he's not yelling. I'd almost prefer it if he was.

"How was I supposed to know what you've done to help? You never told me!"

"And I was wrong for doing so. I know I've messed up, but please- I just-" He sighs deeply, never breaking eye contact with me, "look, we're both stressed, we're both scared, but we cannot take it out on each other. I love you, Zephrine. I can't stand to see you this way, and I will do everything in my power to make you feel better. But I can't do that if you can't bear to be in the same room with me."

He puts his hands on my shoulders, and I tense up, but don't pull away as violently.

"That's progress." He laughs a little, but quickly silences himself when I don't respond.

His kindness breaks me.

"I'm just so scared and- and confused and I'm absolutely powerless and I hate it! I've done all I can, and nothing has come from it!" I fall into his chest, as much as I don't want to. He lowers me to the floor and holds me close. His touch warms the skin that's been hardened and frozen without him by my side. "I've gotten nowhere, and I'm completely helpless! I wake up at night in cold sweats, I keep having nightmares about them getting hurt or- or killed, and my head is full of so much pressure it feels like it's going to explode!" I can't breathe anymore so I just weep into Xavier's shirt.

He doesn't say a word, just lets me cry until no new tears can be formed, until he has to tell me to breathe between whimpers. "We'll find them, I promise you."

This is the Xavier I married. The one who stays awake with me when I can't sleep. Who wipes my tears away and doesn't care about his own. Who would light himself on fire if it meant keeping me warm. He loves me more than he loves anything else, and he loves Caspian and Eetu even more.

But then I remember what he said. I leave his warm embrace to face the bitter cold of life without him. "This doesn't change anything." I nearly black out for a second as I stand up.

"I know." He sounds resigned. "I know."

"I do still love you, Xavier. More than I can say. But I can't forgive you. Not yet."

"Then take as long as you need, I'll be right here when you do." He tries to hide the hint of a smile that's appearing. I've given him hope.

This is the Zephrine he married. The one who won't let her family go. Who will never be cut out for the job. Who can't find the right words to admit that she was wrong. I love Xavier more than anything else, but I love Caspian and Eetu even more.