Caspian Jones

Chapter 25: Davy

"Cas, come back to sleep." I pat the space of bed beside me.

"I will, I will." Caspian assures me as he's sitting at the desk, writing away.

"How can you write so much?" I stand and join him at his side.

"It's just one letter." He laughs as he closes the book. "I'm done." He looks back and takes my hands, rising to kiss me. "God, I love that we can kiss now."

"We always could, just never did." I leave my forehead pressed against his.

"You have no idea how much I've wanted this. Please, tell me this isn't a dream."

"If it's a dream, we're having the same one." I lead him back to the bed. "Speaking of dreams, let's get some sleep. We've got a full day of sailing ahead of us."

"I know. Hey, um... listen, I know I scared you when I jumped last night."

"Is that what that feeling was? I thought my heart stopping was totally normal." I wrap my arms around his waist and hold him close to me. He still smells salty, but it's a good smell for him.

"Hey, did you think I wasn't going to come back? I'd never die on you, Davy. I promise."

"And I'll never die on you. I promise."

"I'll hold you to that." He lets me climb in bed first, then joins me, resting his head on my chest.

We finally fall asleep, like I wanted to, Caspian curled up, clutching me like I'm the last thing on earth.

My dream haunts me, but I can't wake up. I don't think I want to wake up:

"What about Cas?" Anna is apprehensive. Her loyalty is to Caspian, he's her friend. I'm supposed to be her friend and only her friend. So why do I want more?

"He doesn't need to know." I whisper quietly. What am I doing? This isn't fair to Caspian. I can't do this to him.

"Davy, you're with Cas. We shouldn't do-"

I silence her the same way I silence Caspian. Her lips are soft, just like his. Caspian's feel like the air after a rainstorm has let up, leaving your face with little droplets clinging to it. Anna's remind me of fresh linen, dried in the summer sun.

"This would break Cas's heart if he found out." She starts to protest, only half-heartedly this time.

"Then he just can't find out." I kiss her again. She doesn't resist.

God, I love how she feels.

I shake myself out of it. Caspian is still asleep, peacefully on my chest.

It was just a dream, Davy, I tell myself. Just a dream. It doesn't mean anything, right?

I would never do that to Caspian. I- I couldn't. It would absolutely destroy him.

"You're the only person who hasn't tried to hurt me, Davy." Caspian smiles weakly at me.

A million years ago, he whispered those words to me. I told him I would never hurt him. I promised him.

"What do you mean?" I tilt my head to look at him.

"You're my first real friend. You know that? All the other kids in the kingdom seem to hate me. Even my own brother."

It was just a dream. Just a dream. So then why am I so torn up over it? I'm with Caspian, yet Anna is just there, out of my reach.

She's something new, something I've never had before. No, she's something I can't have. Not if I want Caspian.

I'll never know what being with Anna feels like. I'll never let myself know, because in doing so, I would add enemy soldiers to the battlefield inside Caspian's head.

I would cease to be an ally, but he wouldn't quite hate me. He wouldn't understand, he'd shift the blame onto himself, force himself to think it was his fault because to him, I can do no wrong.

If I make this choice, I lose the only person who took me in at my lowest point. I lose the man who tears bits off his broken body to fix a minuscule dent in someone else.

Caspian hurts himself enough already. I can't to that, but I just want one kiss from Anna.

One kiss couldn't hurt. One kiss wouldn't break Caspian. He'd understand just one kiss.

His soft breathing matches my heartbeat. Inhale, bum, exhale, bum.

Who is more important to me? Myself, or him?

I close my eyes, forcing whatever this is away from me, willing myself to sleep again.

The morning light peeks through the windows, shining straight into my eyes.

One of the girls screams.