Brown Eyed Boy

For My Survival (Jessie POV)

Carlos was right; his mom didn’t have a problem with us dirtying the car with mud. She did, however, make him clean the inside of the car the next day and our muddy hand prints on the outside. I had offered to help Carlos clean but by the time he told me of his mother’s demand, he had already done it. I felt bad for not helping him since I made just as much of that mess as him, but he just shrugged and said it was worth dirtying it in the first place to give me an unforgettable valentines day. At first, I thought it was a weird thing to say but then I realized it was a 100% Carlos type of line and I couldn’t help but like it.

By the first week of March, I had completely forgotten that the senior trip was that weekend. We had to pay by the end of junior year for the trip, which I hadn’t because I didn’t want to go, so it completely slipped my mind over the past few months. The school offered to let Carlos pay for it by January, but he told them he didn’t want to go. Secretly, I always thought he did want to but when he found out I wasn’t going he decided he wouldn’t either. I never asked him to be sure, but when he told me the week before that Cassie wanted me to have a sleepover with her that weekend at their house, I figured it was his way of keeping me preoccupied.

I was just stepping out of my door on the way to their house that Friday afternoon when the mailman showed up, smile on his face. “Good afternoon Jessie,” he said. “Looks like you have another one.” He handed me the mail and sitting on the top of the pile was an envelope from Harmridge University. A nervous knot started to form at the sight of the name as I quickly thanked the mailman and dumped the rest of the mail inside before locking the door behind me and hurrying to the Rivera house. By the time I arrived and Carlos answered the door, I could barely contain my nerves.

“What?” Carlos asked as I hurried past him in his doorway. He closed the door behind me and turned, face inches from the envelope I held out to him. He took the envelope in his hands and registered the name. “It’s about time,” he smiled. “Did you open it yet?”

“No,” I answered. “I was too nervous.”

“Why?” he replied. “Only complete idiots wouldn’t accept you in their school.” I bit the inside of my cheek and shrugged at his words. He knew how badly I wanted to get into Harmridge and while his words were meant to be reassuring, they turned out to only make me more nervous. “Do you want me to open it for you?” I just nod at him and he laughs as he walks to the living room. “Come on.”

I followed close behind him, dumping my bag on the floor next to the couch and sitting next to him. Carlos looked at me and smiled reassuringly before opening the envelope. His eyes touched down on the paper for only a few seconds before he bit his lip and looked over at me.

“What?” I asked nervously. “What does it say?”

“Jess…” he said slowly and a sudden cold feeling spread through me.

“Oh no,” I said pathetically. “I knew it. I didn’t get in.” I dropped my head in my hands and decided to allow myself a couple of minutes of self pity before attempting to move on. My first choice didn’t accept me and I was going to have to deal with it.

“I-”

“Can you just read what it says out loud?” I interrupted him. “I want to at least hear how they said it.”

“Okay,” he answered with slight humor. I couldn’t imagine how any of this could be funny, but then knowing Carlos he was probably trying to think of a way to make me feel better. I heard the paper move in his hands and I shut my eyes tightly as though it would make the disappointment go away. “Dear Ms. Jessie Morrison,” he started slowly. “Congratulations, we are pleased to say that you have been accepted into our community here at…”

“What?!” I exclaimed as I opened my eyes wide and looked at him. This time I could see the humor and happiness all over his face.

“What?” he replied back innocently. “You told me to read what it says, so I did.”

“Give me that,” I demanded as I took the paper from his hand excitedly. Looking at the paper, I only needed to register the first word of the sentence to know that he was being honest. I looked over at him and pushed his shoulder as he continued to smile. “You made me think I didn’t get accepted.”

“I don’t know why,” he laughed. “All I said was Jess. And it’s like I said, they would be idiots if they didn’t accept you.” I didn’t know what to say so I stuck my tongue out at him, making him laugh again. “Well, anyway, congratulations. I knew you would get in.”

“Of course you did,” I smiled.

“I did,” he insisted.

“How?”

“Because… you’ve had too much bad happen to you. You of all people deserve something this good and so it had to happen. You deserve good things in your life.” He answered so sincerely that not even the old me who questioned everything could doubt Carlos’ words.

“I don’t think my life has been all that bad lately,” I answered. “There are definitely some pretty amazing parts in it.” His eyes seemed to shift to that light, melted chocolate color that happens at the most random of moments. Under the weight of those eyes I felt a blush creep up on me and I tried to look away but couldn’t. For some reason, I always felt like I was waiting for him to say something, though he never did. It was another few seconds of us silently staring at each other before he laughed and looked away, freeing me from his gaze.

“So,” he said, looking at the college envelope still in his hand. “Your number one school of choice accepted you. Guess that’s where you’re going, huh?”

I looked down at the paper in my own hands and didn’t know what to say. I’d been dreading this conversation since we first started applying to schools, knowing it was going to hurt me. Because after this summer, not only would I be going to a different college than my boyfriend but I was going to be separated from my best friend too. And to me, that was the most painful part. “I’ve wanted to go there for years,” I responded simply.

“Yeah, I know,” he smiled slightly. “And you deserve to go. I’m happy for you.”

“Do you know where you’re going yet?” I asked.

“I have an idea,” he answered. I expected more; the name of the school, what his plan was once we started. Anything to give me some sort of hope that he would stay in my life once we graduated. I’d heard that even couples who were together for years usually broke up when they started college. And Carlos and I had only been together really for a few months. And as if that weren’t enough to make me worry, there were people saying that the friends you make in college will be around when you start your post- college life and that the ones in high school will likely only be memories. It was like everything was stacking against us and all I wanted was for him to say it was going to be fine. That no matter what happened, he was still going to be there when I need him. But instead, he didn’t say any of that. “Let’s not think about this right now. We have a few months before graduation, so let’s enjoy it. Okay?”

I just blinked at him in silence; hearing his words but not exactly understanding them. Carlos wasn’t supposed to be the one evading the topic; I was. Carlos was supposed to be the one who was sure of everything; always having an answer to my questions even if it wasn’t a completely certain one. The fact that he was the one to change the subject so quickly made me realize that he didn’t even have a guess of where we were going to be a year from now and that scared me. “Okay,” I said quietly.

He turned to me, face unreadable, and I felt the old me slowly slipping back into place. If I was going to survive losing the best thing I’ve known, then I have to start shielding myself now.