Brown Eyed Boy

Try Again (Jessie POV)

Jared disappeared after he bumped into me in the funeral home. His dead eyes fell on me briefly and I felt ice spread through me before he walked away. I could tell he was struggling to hide his pain and even though he had shut me down before, I felt the urge to find him and try again. But before I could bring myself to try and do that, an even stronger pull made me take the few steps forward to look at Dylan one last time.

Looking at him in that coffin, seeming so peaceful and at rest, I could almost believe that he was only sleeping. Looking closer, it was easier to tell he wasn't. His skin was way too pale under the make up being used to give him the look of some color. His mouth was a paler pink than it had been in life and with his pale blond dyed hair resting on his forehead, I felt that sudden warning burn of tears in the back of my throat. I shut my eyes tightly, stepped backwards and took a deep breath, trying to remember Dylan as he had been. The Dylan who had always treated me like his little sister and not an annoying pest who was always in his house. The Dylan who took care of me and Jared with no complaints when we were younger. The Dylan who had been so full of life and too young to die. A tear escaped my closed eyes and slid down my face as someone touched my elbow.

I turned and opened my eyes to find my mom waiting for me. “We have to head out to the car,” she said softly. “They need to take the coffin to the cemetery.” I just nodded at her blankly; feeling stiff and statue like as she walked me out to the car.

*          *          *          *          *         

The burial seemed to pass by in a silent blur for me. I saw people step up next to Dylan's picture and mouth's moving, but I didn't really hear what they said. I was hardly aware of anything, keeping my focus on Dylan's smiling faced picture. When I did finally realize what was happening around me, they had lowered his coffin into its burial place and people were beginning to leave. My mom had left again to comfort her friends as she walked them to their car and for a minute I stood in silence, biding Dylan goodbye.

Looking away from Dylan's photo, I realized that I wasn't the only one saying goodbye. Jared stood across from me, staring blankly into the dark hole in front of him. I thought about walking away, about leaving him to wallow in his own self pity the way he wanted. But then I thought of his parents and of Dylan and I knew that I couldn't leave him without trying again. He was a jerk and made it a point of always coming at me and Carlos but somehow I couldn't leave him there. I just didn't feel like anyone deserved to deal with that kind of pain alone.

I walked around the burial site and stopped when I stood next to him, expecting him to turn angrily on me. Only he didn't; in fact, he didn't acknowledge my presence at all and somehow I found that worse than his usual behavior. Then a strong wind passed and the smell of alcohol passed over to me. “You're drunk,” I said, in slight disbelief that he would show up that way to his brother's funeral.

There was silence and for a few seconds I thought he hadn't heard me but then he said flatly, “Not yet. Unfortunately.”

“You shouldn't even be trying,” I said quietly, not trying to set him off early.

“It's better than my alternative,” Jared answered. “Dylan wouldn't be surprised anyway.”

“Doesn't mean he would be happy about it either,” I responded. “It's okay to feel bad that he's gone. Even if it is just for this one day.”

“Not for me,” he answered. “I had my day already. I don't need another one.”

“Maybe you do,” I said. “Because drinking all the alcohol in the world isn't going to make the pain go away.”

He blinked and turned to me, the tears falling down his face suddenly catching my attention. “Maybe I don't want the pain to go away,” he said brokenly. “Maybe it's the only thing left in this world that's real.”

“You're real,” I replied.

“Yeah,” he laughed humorlessly. “That's debatable.”

“I'm real,” I insisted. He looked at me in silence and then looked briefly over at Dylan's picture.

“Yeah,” Jared said seriously. “You are.” He turned away from the picture and began to walk away but stopped to look back at me. “Despite your annoying persistence, I do appreciate you trying to be here for me. But I don't want and I don't need anyone else. People always leave. So don't think this changes anything between us.” But as he turned again, leaving me standing alone as the rain came down around me, I knew that somewhere inside I had hoped it did.