Brown Eyed Boy

Blame Games (Jessie POV)

If I was being honest with myself, I only meant some of what I said to Jared. I had learned my lesson where he was concerned; he was never going to be the same Jared from my childhood and I didn’t owe him anything anymore to believe that he would. But when I said I didn’t believe in him anymore, it was a lie. Deep down, there was a part of me that believed if he tried hard enough he could change. The problem was if Jared knew it then he wouldn’t make the effort. Jared was one of those people who needed others to believe in him so that he wouldn’t have to. I could only hope now that he would take my advice.

Closing my front door and turning around, I found Carlos standing not too far behind me. His hands were in his pockets, face thoughtful as he watched me. “What?” I asked.

“You’re different,” he shrugged.

“Is that good or bad?” I asked, confused.

“It’s good,” he smiled reassuringly. “You’re standing up for yourself to more than just me now.”

“Yeah, well getting hit by a car does change a person,” I said without thinking and immediately felt guilty for it as his smile fell. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say that.”

“But it’s true,” he replied.

“Doesn’t mean I want you feeling guilty about it,” I responded.

“Who said I felt guilty?” he asked. He was looking at me but trying to avoid my eyes.

“Carlos,” I sighed. “I know you. And even if I didn’t, I heard you in the hospital. It’s not your fault.”

“You heard me?” he asked in surprise, finally meeting my eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I tried,” I answered. “But you kept telling me to let you say what you needed to, so I stopped.”

“Why didn’t you tell me at the hospital?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I guess I wanted to see if you would say it again knowing I was awake.”

“Well, I guess now you know,” he smiled slightly.

“Yeah,” I smiled back. “Now I just need you to understand it wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself for something that you had no control over and be happy that everything worked out okay. Things could have been a lot worse.”

Carlos just stared at me for a minute in silence and then his smile grew wider. “Wow,” he said. “You really have changed.” I shrugged and he laughed. “Okay, I’ll try not to keep blaming myself. But I can think of someone else who is blaming herself a lot more than me.”

*          *          *          *          *         

When Cassie walked out of the school building with her class, I almost didn’t see her. I was used to the bubbly, jumping up and down with excitement little girl, but the one I saw wasn’t her at all. The Cassie leaving that building was standing as far back in line as possible, staring down at the ground with no smile on her face at all. It was heartbreaking to see that what Carlos said was true and to know that she somehow felt responsible for what happened. I didn’t blame her at all; she was a kid and kids make mistakes. I didn’t want her to blame herself or change from that adorable ball of energy we all loved. It was the reason I saved her in the first place.

Cassie lifted her head enough to look around for whoever was going to pick her up and I saw her eyes widen when she saw me. She didn’t move for a minute and I tried to smile encouragingly. She didn’t smile back, sadly, and slowly made her way over to me. I had hoped more than expected that she would hug me happily and her dark mood would disappear. So when she didn’t and she didn’t even bother to greet me, just standing there with the most scared eyes I ever saw, I knew that it was going to take more than Carlos speaking to her.

“Hi Cassie,” I smiled at her. She didn’t look up once from the ground.

“Hi Jessie.”

“Ready to go?” She nodded and started walking before me.

“Where’s Carlos?” she asked quietly.

“At my house,” I answered. “I asked him if I could get you today.”

“Why?” she asked sadly. “Don’t you hate me?”

“What?” I asked and stopped her from walking further. “Why would you think that?”

“Because I got you hurt.” She said it so simply, like nothing else could be true.

“Sweetie, you didn’t,” I told her. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was,” she said shakily and tears began to fall down her face. I had never seen her cry and it made my heart ache to watch it then. “I wanted to be a big girl like you. I wanted you and Carlos to think I was a big girl. But then you got hurt because of me.”

“I didn’t get hurt because of you, Cassie,” I said. “I was trying to keep you and Carlos from getting hurt. I did it on my own because I wanted to. It’s not your brother’s fault and it is not your fault. You made a mistake like kids are supposed to. You and your brother need to stop playing the blame game.”

“What’s that?” she asked. “I’m not playing a game.”

“It’s not really a game,” I replied. “It means that you both are blaming yourselves for something that wasn’t your fault. Carlos thinks that he should have done something to stop it. And you think that you’re the reason I got hurt, but you’re not. If it was anyone’s fault it was Jared’s.”

“But I wasn’t supposed to be in the street,” she insisted.

“And he wasn’t supposed to be driving,” I countered. “Cassie, believe me, this was not your fault okay? And I definitely don’t hate you and I’m not mad at you.”

“Are you sure?” Cassie asked as she looked at my casted arm.

“I wouldn’t lie to you,” I answered.

“And Carlos isn’t mad at me?” she said.

“Why would Carlos be mad at you?” I asked in confusion.

“Because you got hurt when you saved me,” she said. She looked directly at me now and I could tell by the look on her face that all she worried about now was whether her big brother hated her or not.

“Cassie, listen to me,” I said. “No matter what happens to me or anyone else, your brother loves you and always will. Nothing is ever going to change that, okay? Nothing in the world could keep your brother mad at you.”

“Really?” she asked skeptically.

“I promise,” I insisted.

“So, you and Carlos aren’t mad at me?” she asked.

“Never are we ever,” I smiled at her. If I would have said that to anyone but Cassie they would say they were confused or that you should never say never. But I knew that she would understand what I meant and believe every word.

“Okay,” she said, starting to smile a little. “But I’m sorry I went in the street by myself. I just wanted to be a big girl like you.”

“I know,” I told her. “And you know what? Because you said sorry, I think that makes you a big girl. Just no more going in the street by yourself unless Carlos and your mom say you’re old enough, okay?”

“Promise,” she agreed.