Senior Squad

11| "They are Always With Me."

Aria

Oh no... I didn't want to wake up so much that I closed my eyes tight in an effort to hopefully continue sleeping. That didn't happen. I couldn't believe today was the day. Two years since it happened. My eyes stared up at the ceiling fan as it moved around and around. This too me back to the revolving door I went through only to feel stuck inside one for weeks. It would go on an endless loop that began with repeating the same words to myself. I kept begging the officers, the paramedics, anyone to give them back. Papí had to tell me again and again it was done. The constant rejection put me in this down spiral of rage and everything was a battle.

I looked over at the blue paint spot on the faded, yellow wall. Everything set me off that it was no surprise, I punched a hole in the wall. I still couldn't believe I had that strength or that the walls weren't sturdy enough. Either way, it hurt. That saga of my life continued for a long time until I fell off that hate train into a blubbering mess. I could still hear the sobs though I'd never forget the way he cried with me. Papí was always so strong whether it was physically or emotionally, but this broke him. This broke us...

When I brought myself downstairs, I felt a chill in the air. For a second, I peaked out the window to see how grey the skies were. It wasn't raining like it did over the weekend, but it was most likely going to happen. In the mean time, I made sure to get right to eating before he arrived. Nearly all my cereal was eaten before his footsteps loudly trudged into the kitchen.

"Mija..." he approached me only for me to turn my head away and grab my dishes. I dropped them off and began to hustle back upstairs. Unfortunately for me, this man had a dynamic voice that could stop anyone at any time with any tone.

"Aria, please come back here." He commanded in a soft, warm tone. I had it made it onto the staircase when his voice made me jump.

No, we're not doing this today, I grounded myself and took another step only to hear him again.

"D-do you know what day it is?"

Of course, I closed my eyes as his presence grew stronger. When I turned back, he stood a few feet in front of me with a glimmer in his eyes. He was really struggling, as was I. The moment he took out something from his coat, my heart stopped. I pointed my finger and shook my head. I didn't want to be rude, but we couldn't have this. Not again.

"Papí, I know what day it is today." I bluntly told him. "It's been two years and you know they are always with me."

"I still miss them."

"I do too."

He stared down at the last picture we had together and sniffled. I came over to him and took the picture in my hand without looking. My eyes met with his where I held onto his shoulders and said, "Look at me."

A few tears fell as he sniffled and nodded. I let out a deep sigh before reciting the old phrase she always said to us. "We come to America for great life. Every day here is a blessing. Every moment together is priceless. Cherish what we have. Cherish it and we shall be happy."

"Gloria..." he softly responded with a smile. "You remember that?"

"Every day." I felt my heart trembling while keeping my head held high. "It's going to be fine."

I leaned in and whispered into his ear. "Muy fantastíco!"

He chuckled and I joined in. I didn't grow up the way him and my mother did though he'd always light up whenever I remembered my Spanish.

Afterwards, he gave me a giant hug while I did the same. Neither of us said a word as our brief moment of joy were taken over by the flashbacks of our last. The first thing I saw was that garden she always wanted to have. It was more like a vineyard, yet still beautiful nonetheless. Our many relatives were gathered around the church. Everyone dressed to perfection. I wore one of her old dresses which was a bit too lose, but Papí kept reassuring me I looked beautiful just like Mother did. Upon entering the church, I saw her coffin in between... Oh no.

As the funeral fog swirled through my mind, I snapped out of it and opened my eyes. I broke off the hug and ran upstairs. The door slammed as I was on the floor. My eyes were wet again and I covered my mouth. I wasn't crying for the umpteenth time. I just...

My head buried itself into my knees with my arms wrapped around. More memories from my childhood flashed like headlights. There's me on the beach. I was holding hands with her. We kept laughing. There we were again. Our bodies next to each other on the Ferris Wheel. He was with us too. Abril, Enrique, and myself, together in harmony. We shared our drinks and pushed each other around. Tears streamed down my face once I remembered not going with them. The way I shouted to our mother was still haunting to this day. As the last flash of them took me back to the church, I screamed.

My eyes opened again to see I was still home and planted on the floor. I felt my entire body shaking as Papí ran up the stairs. "Mija, is everything alright? Mija!"

He pounded on the door while I stared forward and shook my head. Though the flashes stopped, I still pictured them in front of me. Their eyes staring back as we all knew the truth. They could've been saved. I could've joined them. I should've joined them. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so crippled inside.