Behind Closed Doors

Entries Part 1

FLASHBACK

Camila's Entry

Is it my fault?

How can I fix it?

Why does everyone hate me?

Is it because of how I sound?

Is it because I did that collab?

Maybe it's because everyone thinks I broke Lauren's heart.

But what about the fans? They seem to hate me too.

They say I sound like a...squirrel?

No, no that.

Ah, a chipmunk that has been shoved down my throat!

Yes, that's it.

I thought my voice was unique. Lauren told me she loved it.

Mamí, Papí, and Sofi said they loved it.

Heck! Even Abuela said she loved and she's a harsh judger on singing.

Simon Cowell loved it, America loved it, the whole world used to love it.

What changed? Did they get tired of how I act. I know Normani did. She'd used to tell me to shut up when I rambled on and on about bananas and One Direction.

Maybe the world sees me as Normani sees me.

At least I still have my butterfly queen by my side. I know she'll never judge me.

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I'm scared.

I'm constantly watching my back in fear that if I turn around, he'll be there.

I took a pregnancy test today.

As a matter of fact, I took four.

I waited in anticipation when I stared at them.

I thought about how much my life would change.

The more people who would hate me.

I knew now I'd be named the slut of the group.

Would I keep the baby?

It's not like I have anything to lose if I go through with the baby.

Everyone hates me anyways.

I saw Lauren today.

Every time we are on a tour bus she avoids me.

Every time we are on a hotel she avoids me.

Anytime we are seen together she avoids me.

I wish I could tell her the truth.

But I can't.

I don't want to hurt her. I don't want Kelly to get to her.

She's my precious angel and I will protect her at all costs.

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Lauren's entry

Drugs.

They were the only thing that consumed my mind.

And alcohol.

And the vibrator I held in my hand an hour ago.

What? Someone has to do the job. I obviously can't get the one I want to do it seeing as she is a lying cheating fuck.

But I won't think about her.

No she isn't worth my mind.

The only thing that's worth it is my drugs, sex, and alcohol.

Fuck everything else. Everything else reminds me of her.

Our counselor said our group is slowly falling apart in the inside and it was only a matter of time before it fell apart on the outside too.

But I could care less.

My mind had become blank.

My soul that had once been filled compassion and love had become empty.

My heart had darkened when I realized the real world.

And it wasn't as pretty as it seemed before.

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Dinah's Entry

Our counselor suggested that we write in a journal so here we go.

Envy. Hatred. Disgust.

All of them filled my mind.

Envious of how everyone was loved in the group and I was left in the dark.

Hatred for how suddenly this group had become "Camren and The Harmonies"

Was my name not worth a title?

Disgust for how the world truly was.

But mostly disgust for myself.

For allowing myself to be hated. For not being as pretty as Lauren. Or having the voice of Camila. Or having the dance moves and the body of Normani. And not having the kindness and the optimism that many found in Ally.

I want it all to end.

I wondered how my life would be if I hadn't stepped on that stage.

Maybe I'd be happier or maybe I'd crash and burn in a different path.

Maybe even heaven was the better choice of all of this.

But, who knows?

I just want to quit.