Impossible (Jerrie)

thirty one

Jade's pov

Perrie tried to call me a thousand times but I didn't answer it. I wasn't upset,I was just disappointed. Unfortunately for me,today I have to go to school and deal with my anxiety. It keeps growing more and more every minute.

"Hi Jade" Jed greets me,as we meet on the hallway

"Hello there" I say,trying my best not to freak out because I'm talking to other people besides Pez,Jes and Lee.

Now I had English class,with Jed. So we both walked to the class. My face dropped when I see Perrie in the class,sitting besides Alex,looking right at me with a warm smile.

Why is she acting like nothing happened? She thought I wouldn't see what Alex posted? I'm like 24h/day on Twitter.

Anyways,I decided to sit with Jed,beacuse there weren't any seats left so I was obligated to sit with him. I didn't mind,though.

"Okay class,new project because you need grades. So,this project will be made in pairs of 2,and you need to talk about your opinions about mental health and the stigma about those in this country. Understood?"

The class nodded. Gosh,I could write thousands of papers about it,with different arguments.

"The pairs are how you are sitting with now. For example,Jade and Jed and Leigh Anne with Jesy and so on. Good luck"

The teacher handed us some papers,and she gave us the advice 'go to the library and start the project now' . That's what Jed and I did,because we both had a free period.We got our books,and went straight to the library,without looking back at Alex or Perrie.

After we wrote about half a page,Jed kinda changed the subject,to something opposite about what we are suppose to do.

"Did Perrie lie to you too?" He asked out of the blue

"Yeah..Alex did the same to you?" I ask,curious

"Yes. We haven't spoken since"

"Same here. Me and Perrie are dating,so it hurts seeing through a Twitter post that she's hanging out with her ex boyfriend." I say,finally relieved.

"Kinda sucks when you are the second option to someone"

I just nodded. What made me tell Jed everything? I was scared that Perrie would left me for Alex.

"Calm. You don't know yet" Jed says,and I start becaming confused

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think Perrie would broke up with you for Alex. She really loves you,though. But if she does,I'm the first one to find out. Deal?" Jed asks me

"Whatever you say. Let's continue this project,I'm quite passionate about this" I say and he left out a little giggle

*

My thoughts were slowly killing me. Those voices in my head were telling me awful things,but I got used to those. It feels like drowing,especially when I'm surrounded by other people.

I could barely breath,it feels like I'm in that nightmare again,but this time something wasn't right. I was uncontrollably shaking,and my mind went straight to here it wasn't suppose to go. Cut myself. I wanted to resist the tentacion and I did my best to do so.

My vision started to blurry. Now I knew what was going on with me. Another panic attack. Tears came falling down my cheeks,even harder than the panic attack I had a few days ago.

I focused on the breathing,as I remember from Jesy. That calmed me down a bit. I hate those nights where your head,the thoughts in it keep you awake for hours. When the only thing you want is to be happy and to maybe get some sleep.

The whole thing with Perrie confused me. I didn't know how to even behave anymore. It really sucks finding out that maybe your girlfriend is now dating your ex,and she didn't even tell you.

I avoided Perrie as much as I could. Especially when she tries to call or text me.

I heard a soft knock on the door and I left out a little 'come in' ,with my raspy voice from crying for 2 hours straight.

"Jade.." I immediately recognised that voice. Perrie.

"What do you want?" I had a deja vu from the time Rebecca made Perrie kiss her that night.

"I want to talk. Can we..please?" She seemed like she was crying

"To talk about what? How you lied to me or how have you been avoiding me the times I tried to talk to you?" I actually did try to talk to her,fix all this mess. But all she said was 'I'm busy' or 'Can't talk right now'

"Look,I am sorry,I really am Jade" If she hasn't been crying until now,she certainly is now

"You were with Alex.." I say,letting my tears out too.

"I will always love him. Jade,he's the love of my life! A little part of me will always love Alex. Can you please understand that?"

"If I can understand? Sure thing. But can you understand me?" I say,now facing her fully

"What do you mean?"

"When I got here,I thought that my life would finally get better. It got. When I met you. You've changed me,in a good way. But,I still keep a lot to myself. Things that you will never understand" I say,crying more thinking at everything that happened to me since I got here.

"Things I will never understand? Save all this acting,Jade" it didn't even sound like something Perrie would say.

"You don't know how it's like to wake up every morning and hate the way the sunlight cames into your window. You don't know the fear that anxiety gives you everytime you need to say something or do something in public. You don't know how that feels,how it's like to constantly have a voice in your head telling you to end it all,and try your best to not listen to it. You don't know how it's like to wake up one morning and feeling like you've fallen though a hole and there's nothing you can do about it. How it's like to go to sleep one night and hoping that the next day you will feel better. You know nothing about it,Perrie." I didn't realise that I was yelling all this time.

"Everyone knows you're faking it for attention. That's all you do. You didn't even love me,so save all this shit you're saying for another fool to believe" Perrie was no longer crying. She wanted to leave,but before the left I let out a sentece that made her freeze.

"Can't you see? He is changing you"

"We're over,Jade"

That's it. I took a razor blade and  start cutting myself. It hurt a little bit,but I liked it. I could finally feel something that I haven't felt in ages.

Pain.