Gratsu- One shots

Losing my Heart

Born from my sadness and emptiness

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I smile. I laugh. I tell jokes and make everyone else laugh too. I'm a clown for others. I am loud, happy and cheerful. Full of energy, optimistic and fight to spare that too much energy. Or am I? 

What would you do if it turns out, I am sad. Depressed even. Would you be still there? As you promised? Or would you leave like anyone else?  Would I be a drag, a burden and a piece of emptiness? I bet I would be. No, not would be. I am already like this. I'm just good at hiding it. Me? Being the person who shows that goofy smile? Don't make me laugh. My truth smile is something you've NEVER seen before. You thought you did, but you didn't.

Being alone doesn't mean that I feel sad. I do that all the time. It means I finally realise that NO ONE CARES. Not even you. I call you names and fight with you so that I cover my inner self. You ask "Are you okay?" time to time. But the truth is, you only want to hear "I'm okay". Nothing more. Maybe less. Sometimes, you say "You look sad" but I'm always sad. I was just too tired to hide it today.

You may ask why I didn't seek help, showed how I feel etc. You know, I don't do that for 2 reasons: In this cruel world, no one cares about how are you. And you know, it's painful to realise, no one wants to know you. The real you doesn't smile. Who is empty and wants help. People don't want to help. That's too bothersome. 

So, I decided to walk my own path. I left Fairy Tail, became a villain. It felt so much better. No more lies to myself, I was who I was again. Sad, Depressed. But you know, sadness turns into anger fast. And anger only brings hatred along the way.

I wonder. What would happen if I don't decide that I had enough? Would I be happier? Or sadder? Well, it's too late to think about that.

"Apologise! You are selfish and heartless now!" I hear Erza's words when I left the guild clearly to this day. That day, I smiled. A real smile. I know, it was creepy. I saw the horror on your face. "Apologise? Did anyone apologise for making ME this way?" I hear my own voice. The real me. The sad one. The empty one. Who doesn't have anything left to lose.

I feel nothing anymore. I tried to feel again, didn't work. I killed a person. Nothing. I killed 1.000 people. Still nothing. I feel empty. I want to feel again. Even if it's sadness again. So I returned to the guild. Killed a guildmate I had. Nothing. It angers me. Why? Why don't I feel nothing?! Then, it clicks to me. I feel again. Anger counts, right?

I smiled again that day. I killed the entire guild, excluding you, Erza and Lucy. You three were away that day. I felt again. First, Anger. Then, sorrow. Then, regret. I still remember. 

I collapsed on the centre of the guild, dead bodies around me. Blood on my hands. My arms. my face. My legs. Everywhere I look, blood. I suddenly hear a creak of the door. My tears are already flown that day. Then, I saw him again. Gray Fullbuster, Erza Scarlet and Lucy Hearfilia. They looked shocked.

I think they didn't notice me. Not like they ever did in their life. They looked horrified as they looked through the dead ones. My eyes fell on the floor again, still kneeling there as tears fell from my eyes.

"N--Natsu? Did you see who was it?" I hear a girl's voice. I don't know the owner anymore. It felt like they didn't even notice me disappear. It crushed me. Again. Harder. I felt nothing again. I remember, I only said one thing. "It was me" I still don't understand. It was just 3 words. Why did you kill me for it?

I'm sorry, I lived. I'm sorry, I felt. I'm sorry, I still exist.I'm sorry, I still feel nothing. I'm sorry, I still apologise.

Sorry. I'm still...Empty.