speak | minishaw

added extra - 68

He dealt with it alone, looking through old photo albums his mum had made, staring at the pictures involving him a little too long, his thumb tracing the outline of his figure, smiling as he looks at his friend when he was younger, when he was alive.

Josh kept his signature lighter in his pocket, he had owned a purple lighter with a red flame on it for the longest time, so Josh carried it around with him. He never used it, because he couldn't get himself too, even if he was desperate for a cigarette, the idea of using it when he knew Simon was so protective over it, seems wrong.

Josh had even slept in Simon's bed, wrapping up in his sheets, while the bed wasn't the most comfortable and dipped where've you laid, he found himself getting peaceful sleep in here, looking around at all his stuff until his eyes shut, Josh struggled to sleep in his own bed, because it sucked knowing that the bedroom next door was unoccupied.

They started to head their way to the funeral, up in the grassy hills of town. Josh and JJ were fiddling around as they drive closer to where it was, feeling a put in their stomach as they pulled into the driveway, the spotted familiar faces, Harry, Callum, Lewis, everyone who had been invited.

They got out of the car, edging closer to the grave, the casket, that moment then JJ broke down. Falling onto his knees as he cried, Josh sat down next to him, not caring about the mud, he hugged his friend tightly as JJ's years dripped onto his shoulder, he didn't care, he let it happen. Let him be.

Josh managed to drag him over to where his body was, and they both said their final goodbyes. JJ went first, his words chocked up in his sobs, but the message was received.

"Simon man, I love you. I'm so sorry that you took your life and I wished you had spoken to us, I wish we had done more to make sure you were ok because without you I'm a mess. We need you, without you it's so sad. Without you we are missing what we need, we need our friend, your like a brother, I need that. Simon I wait for the day you will come back, but you never do. It hurts. It feels like my hearts being ripped out of my body, you wouldn't want is to mourn over you, but it's hard, I love you too much not to."

"Simon, it's been hard. I admit it, I haven't been coping well and it's been so difficult to function without you here. Sometimes I feel like I should just die too, because a life without you isn't a good one. I've got JJ here still, but our group is missing someone vital, we don't even classify as a group anymore, we are a pair, it's fucking shit. I wish you had spoken to us, you know we wouldn't have judged you for having suicidal thoughts, we would of helped you get through this tough time, killing yourself is permanent, I don't know if I can live the rest of my life knowing that you have been terminally erased from this planet."

They both finished their speeches, just sitting in silence next to each other, saying more things inside their head they didn't want to say out loud.

"I miss you Simon, we miss you."

CALLUM

He watched as Harry ran away into the distance, not bothering to go after the boy, fully aware that he needs his own time, needs to cope with this alone. Callum couldn't approach him just yet, they stood on uneven ground, Harry still trying to come to terms with the whole cheating scandal he had. Callum didn't pressure Harry to talk to him, if roles were reversed, he wouldn't acted the same way.

He sat on one of the chairs occupied, not feeling up to go to close. He didn't deserve to be here, he was a new addition into his life, what influence did he have? They got drunk, smoked, and had sex together. He had been his side man, his choice after Harry.

Callum said his words in his head, sitting alone as he thought of so many things that it all rushed out into a blur, his eyes were shut tight, blocking out the sad atmosphere that encompassed him. He thought back to the moments they had kissed, trying to picture a life where they hadn't done such thing.