Sexual Frustrations

18. Trying

I could have sworn I didn't sleep at all that night. I just laid there and kept my emotions at bay while I silently waited for 9 to roll around the next morning. When I got that 'here' text from Lip I was out the door, with my bags and in the car quicker than I'd ever done anything in my life.

I cried nearly the whole way home. I was stupid for going. I didn't know what to even expect. I guess deep down I wanted an escape and for two days to be with the old Carl but I was silly for thinking that would ever work. There was too much pain and drama between us now. Lip listened to me complain and cry the whole way and didn't say much. He just listened which was what I needed. I felt bad because he was Carl's brother but he was also my friend and I didn't have many here anymore. I gave Maddy a quick text telling her I couldn't stay and that I was sorry and I'd explain when she got home. For now I just needed to be home by myself and wallow in how I felt.

...

It had been 3 days since I'd left the cabin. Carl and the others would have definitely been home by now.
I spent 3 days at Lip's place wallowing in my self pity and tossing between contacting Carl again or not.
I spent 3 days contemplating booking tickets back home but part of me just couldn't do it. I couldn't leave this so horribly with Carl, even though I couldn't face him yet I just couldn't leave again like that. Especially knowing how much it actually affected him.

"Ava," Lip walked into the lounge room where I was laying on the couch deep in thought. "Look you know I'd never make you go see him when you don't want to but something's going on." Panic struck in my stomach.

"What?"

"I don't know, Fiona just rang and asked for you but I said I couldn't promise anything." He explained but I was too busy stressing about the possibilities.

"Carl's done something?" I asked and the second he nodded I was in the car on the way over. Maybe this was my problem. Maybe I just wasn't willing to let go. I completely and utterly lied, I definitely came back for him one way or another.

...

Walking through that house in a panic was something that seemed a normality to me at that point. Fiona was sat at the table, her face in her hands.

"What's going on?" Lip asked but I didn't stick around for the answer, I headed straight for the stairs and straight to his room.

When I walked into the room Carl was on his bed curled up in the foetal position, groaning. He was shaking quite intensely and I noticed a vomit bucket, 3 bottles of water, and a box of panadole next to him.

"Fucking hell." I couldn't help the shock that escaped my mouth but it caught his attention. He looked up and groaned.
"What's going on?" I asked moving closer. His body was slick with sweat but he was shaking, clutching his stomach. "Have you fucking overdosed agai-"

"No fuck." He managed to yell out. But I was still so confused because whatever state he was in was definitely not healthy.

"What's going on then?" I was slightly frustrated, mostly because of our previous encounter but also to hide that I was a little scared he was hurting.

"Withdrawals." He sighed sitting up on the bed and taking a big gulp of water.

"Withdrawals?" I questioned not really knowing what to say or what to do. Or if I even wanted to be involved

"From the heroin." He groaned before bending over and spilling his guts into the vomit bucket. I turned away for fear of vomiting myself. But his words hit me. Withdrawals. That would have to mean...

"You're quitting?" I gasped unable to keep the surprise out of my voice.

"Trying." He groaned before pausing to vomit again. I felt the anger leave me, I didn't think it fair to be angry right in that moment because he was doing the most important thing. He was trying.

"Can I do anything?" I asked suddenly feeling more of a hinderance than anything else by just standing and watching him in clear agony.

"Cold towel please." He groaned flopping back on his bed. I was more than happy to comply.

I ran downstairs and grabbed a flannel and wet it in the kitchen sink. Lip and Fiona had shocked faces. Most likely due to the smile I couldn't hide.

"Is he okay?" Fiona asked, clearly she expected the worst as well.

"He's withdrawing." I whispered so he wouldn't know we were talking about him.

"What?" She gasped. Both their faces mimicked the shock I felt. "No shit." She laughed smiling.

"That's a good sign right?" I didn't want to get my hopes up but it was hard to not at least be happy at the sudden jump forward.

"Well yeah it fuckin is." She laughed and on that note I quickly ran back up to give him the wet towel.

The shaking seemed to have slowed a little when I got back.

"I'm so sweaty you probably don't wanna sit there." He warned as I sat on his bed next to him to apply the cold to his head.

"Carl you've literally been inside of me I don't care if you're sweaty." I assured him which earn't a laugh before he clutched his stomach again.

"God this fucking sucks." He groaned and I had to give him credit, getting off the gear was torturous.

"Have you done this before?" I was curious.

"Yeah twice. A month or two after I started and a couple weeks ago. But I relapsed pretty quick." How long was a couple weeks? Had he been trying to get sober while I was here.

"A couple weeks ago?" I questioned, the curiosity too much for me.

"The night you first got here." He answered bluntly and my heart just about froze. He tried to stop after the first day he'd seen me. How did I not know this? How did no body know this.
"But I couldn't do it and then I overdosed." He sighed and the memories of that night came flooding through me. I was just so glad it wasn't another repeat.

"At least you're trying."

"I really am." He said taking my hand in his.
And I genuinely thought he was.