Bad In Detail

Chapter 30

It's been a year since Lilia's coma and ten months since I graduated from high school. Eugenia has been buried and Caleb has been given thirty-two years of jail time.

I got into UCLA to study architecture, Sawyer is studying law and Amira, Accounting. Ever since Lilia's coma we've gotten incredibly close. Sawyer and Amira got into UCLA so they could keep an eye on me. I don't blame them for making this decision because Lilia's condition has made me reckless and cold to outsiders.

I read poetry now and I've gotten accustomed to Naheemah Raji's poems because they were Lilia's favourite. I read it to her every day I go visiting and Sawyer and Amira come visiting too. We try to hope that she would wake every time we go but get disappointed when the day goes by.

I had Lilia moved to Los Angeles since we're schooling here. She is in one of the best hospitals and has her own room which we and few workers have access to in order to keep her safe.

I go to Lilia's house sometimes and lie on her bed to feel her warmth and scent. I lie there thinking of the memories we had and the pains she felt while growing. I know I said it before but its been particularly hard and empty without her. My dad got the news months ago and has been overprotective of me. I'm sure he put up Amira and Sawyer in keeping tabs on me to ensure I don't make rash and careless decisions.

The doctors told me to wait but I don't know how long. They said there's a possibility she might not wake but we choose to be optimistic. Amira has gotten serious with her religion and she covers her head every day, praying five times a day for Lilia's recovery. I and Sawyer on the other hand go to the priest frequently to pray for Lilia.

I don't smoke anymore because Lilia doesn't like it. It took me months to finally accept that I don't need it and moved on. I've found ways to cope with my anger and my dad made me see a therapist to explain how I'm hurting. I don't think I need it though but here I am, pouring out my mind to a shrink.

"I'm happy you've come to terms with the fact that you hurting Kyle," Dr Olson said. Yes my therapist is a woman and she's quite cool, she even led me to Christ. I've been having these sessions for six months now, she tells me to have faith and keep my hope alive about Lilia. I often deny the fact that I'm hurting but now I confessed it to her.

"Yeah."

"So what made you tell the truth about how you've been feeling?"

I shrugged. "I guess it's because I'm tired of lying and pretending that I'm not hurt about the incident."

"Look Kyle I know a million thoughts will be going on in your head. You would blame yourself for her state and wish you could have done something to prevent it but there's nothing you could have done."

"I could have done something. I never knew it was Raven that night, I was so messed up. I can't forgive myself, she died because of me. I should have known it was Caleb, I shouldn't have gotten drunk that night, I shouldn't have put Lilia and everyone in the middle of all these. I mean Eugenia died, it was all my fault."

"How could you had know it was Caleb's intention to ruin you that night? Yes, it was terrible of you to rape a girl whether you knew it was Raven or not but you are not to be blamed for Raven's decision to take drugs and overdose on it. You can't be responsible for people's poor decisions about life. You can only be responsible for yours."

I nodded. "I just can't get off this guilt, my chest hurts every day. I mean what if Lilia wakes up and hates me because of Raven, I messed up."

Dr Olson smiled. "She loves you Kyle, you have to forget the past and embrace the better you have started to become, besides you did say you've apologized to God. He has forgiven you so forgive yourself."