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Smiling as you watched Sam walk away, you tried to keep it from cracking. From showing exactly what you felt inside. It was hard, keeping these feelings bottled up, but you were scared that once they were shared they would lose their significance. That whoever you shared them with would push them to the side as if they weighed nothing. Meant nothing.
Sure, you knew that Sam wouldn't mean to hurt you that way. He didn't mean to push what you said off to the side. He didn't realize that every time he did that, you burrowed deeper and deeper into yourself. Into this lonely little world you've created for yourself. A world where you felt completely and utterly alone.
Loneliness didn't always mean being the only person in a place. There was a worse kind of loneliness, the one when you were surrounded by people, but nobody understood. Nobody cared for you, cared enough to listen, or hold your hand when things got too much. The exact same kind of loneliness that had your heart constricted as Sam smiled at you, walking away without a word.
Sam had his own problems. You knew and respected that. You listened, and responded, hoping that he would return the favor, but it never happened. His ears were never open to your complaints, your need for someone to care enough to listen to you.
Not once did he notice the tears that fell at night, when the Impala was completely dark, and Dean's music drowned out any sound. Or if he did, he never mentioned it, making you fall deeper into the despair you couldn't help but feel.
After weeks of feeling as if you were screaming into a crowded room, you had enough. You couldn't live like this any longer. With tears running down your cheeks, you wrote the hardest note in your life, hoping that Sam would finally hear the emotions that had constantly slipped his attention.
Sam,
By the time you find this letter, I'll be long gone. Don't you worry about looking for me, it's better this way. I've been feeling lost, forgotten in this crazy world. I know you didn't mean it, but I'm tired of being treated as if I don't matter. I need to leave, to find my voice again. To maybe find someone who will care enough to listen to me. There is so much in my mind right now, that just needs to be heard. Please know I love you, and I will pray every night that no harm comes to you. But I need this.
Placing it on his pillow, you made your way to your car, letting the tears fall as the radio started playing, the song Who Says pouring from the speakers. A song about empowerment, you sang along, your voice rising above the music. Making you hope that you were doing the right thing. That somewhere, out there, you could find your voice once again.
